trust in the Lord with all of your heart...

Many Christians cite the verse I quoted in my title as one of their favorite verses in the bible: "...and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6) It was one of mine when I first got saved. However, lately I have let it drift to the recesses of my mind. I could recite it if called upon, but it was one of those verses that I haven't meditated on and glossed over because I had heard so many times before. However, it has become fresh and new to me recently, as a myriad of internal events have transpired.

I confess, I'm a reluctant stay-at-home mom. Most people who know me well know this. I love my kids more than I can express, but the stay-at-home thing can be a struggle for me. I do it because I feel that this is what God wants for my life, but I haven't always done it joyfully. If I had to quantify it, I would say that I really enjoy stay-at-home motherhood (SAHM from here on out) about 75% of the time and dislike it 25% of the time. When I think about looking back on my life when I'm old (Lord willing), I don't think that I will ever say that I regretted staying at home with my kids when they were young. I've appreciated being there for all of the firsts and for being the primary caregiver to them, the one with the most influence in their young lives. I love all of the kisses and hugs and affection I get on an hourly basis. However, it is an exhausting job and one from which you very rarely get a break. It exposes your sin nature, how selfish you really are and how little patience you actually have. It also exposes how much you can love, serve and nurture someone as well. This really goes for all mothers, not just stay-at-home ones, but I think both get magnified under the SAHM lens.

After 3+ years, I'm finally understanding what it means to trust God in this area, that it means when God calls you to do something, He gives you the grace to do it. For so long I've been waiting for this season to end -- to the time when I'll be able to go back to school and get a job, to the time when the monotony of everyday life with children and incessant demands of small voices will stop and I'll be able to return to the land of cubicles, copy machines, books, the Library of Congress Classification, and intelligent adult interaction, not to mention a paycheck for all of my hard work.

We have had a plan for the past few years, that I would go to school in about 2 years and then get a full-time job afterwards, at least for as long as it took to pay off my school loan and then maybe go to part-time, if able. However, I have come to realize that having this plan has made me discontented and biding my time until I'm able to go to school, that I'm simply enduring this season in my life instead of fully delighting in it and in my children. And that's not fair to them.

In addition to that, I had a notion before I had children that I was not going to become so inwardly focused on my family as I've perceived that so many Christian households (and mothers) have become. Yes, I will care for and love my children, but I don't want my life to be ONLY about my kids. I had visions that my kids weren't going to interrupt ministries I was involved with, that I'd schlep them to and from different events and they'd just deal with it. All of that changed when Benjamin was about 3 weeks old and cried and cried and cried and decided to boycott sleep for about 3 months (while crying all the way). And now, I wonder whether or not that's even prudent, that maybe my kids NEED to be the primary focus right now as we teach them and help to build their character so that they are ready and willing to serve with us when they're able. My jury is still out about this -- comments welcome.

Anyhow, I'm striving to be a better mom by understanding that God is going to help me and give me the grace to do this crazy job, even if I'm cleaning up poop for the 4th time today or trying to be patient during a temper tantrum. That I need to trust in Him with all of my heart -- that my own understanding of what I think I need (i.e., to get a job) is not necessarily what God knows I need (for my character to be shaped & refined). If I acknowledge Him, He'll make my paths straight, and hopefully help me to show my kids that as well. So, I'm abandoning my plans in favor of His and trusting Him to show, help and guide me...