amateur psychologists needed

So, I have this recurring nightmare. Actually, it's more like variations on a theme, the theme always being my husband cheating on me or leaving me or something of that nature. I had this dream last night. I remember being completely heartbroken in the dream and sobbing. I probably have had this dream at least 3 times per year since we've been married.

The strange thing about these dreams is that they occur at all. When I'm awake, I very seldom ever think about him being unfaithful or leaving us. I'm very secure in our marriage and I've never really worried about him -- he doesn't even really look at other women when we're together (i.e., ogle attractive women who are passing us by on the street or whatever). He's very respectful of me in that way. Plus, I know him to be a man of integrity. He's extremely steady and faithful to those people and things that he holds dear. In his right mind, he'd never choose to be with another woman or leave us, I know that.

So, why these dreams? Is it pent up anxiety that I rationalize out of my head during the day but rears its ugly head at night? Is it because I've been hurt in relationships before (mostly from my own naivete and stupidity) and I'm extrapolating it on him?

In any case, I'm glad that these are just dreams and have no basis in reality!!

kindergarten really shouldn't be this stressful...

I used to privately bemoan the fact that Benjamin misses the Chicago Public Schools cut off because of his late-November birthday (and Caroline for that matter, though she misses it by a smaller margin). He's so socially needy that looking at him starting school when he's almost 6 seems like an eternity to me. However, as we're marching ever closer to him beginning kindergarten, I feel the need to start researching my options, at least doing some preliminary research. So, in that sense, I'm happy that I have 2 1/2 years in which to make a decision, versus 1 1/2 years.

• Option #1: Homeschool. This is not my first choice and not appealing to me for various reasons (though I would be willing to do it). First, as I mentioned, Ben is extremely social and I think this would be detrimental to him. Second, it would drive me crazy. Being with my children all day long is hard for me. While it's true that as they get older it is getting easier, it is still a challenge for me every week. Third, I want him to learn to trust other adults and be in a classroom setting where he develops relationships with other children. That said, I would do it if I thought it was best for him -- if there was a situation in which he was being bullied or having difficulties with a teacher.
  
• Option #2: Public School. Unfortunately in our neighborhood, our local elementary school is not an option for us. I attended exclusively public schools, from 1st grade through my undergraduate degree. However, I was in one of the best districts in my state, so it was a no-brainer for my parents. Here, it's a different story. I'd love to be that family who has so much faith in God that they send their children to public school and the school and community is changed as a result of their faithfulness, as I've heard others testify. I just don't feel called to do that and feel strongly that in our present community & environment, my child would be thrown into a very difficult situation that he's not equipped to handle at such a young age. I grieve for children who don't have the option (through lack of resources or parents who don't care) for anything other than our neighborhood school. There are charter schools and magnet schools that I would consider and will be open to Chicago public high schools, should my kids place into one of the magnets and should we be in the city that long. I really love the idea of public schools and wish that this was a viable option for us.
  
• Option #3: Christian School. This is the most likely scenario for us. I would be sending my children to christian school so that their education would be in line with our worldview, though I strongly believe that it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my child about the Lord and the way we view the world. However, having narrowed it down to christian school leaves many options out there. Most of the children that we know of school age go to a specific christian school a few miles from where we live. By all accounts, it's a good school with caring teachers and an emotionally safe environment. This school is almost entirely african-american, with a handful of caucasian kids scattered around. I do worry about my children and the struggles they might have over identity being (1) bi-racial and (2) living in a predominantly african-american community. My personal preference would be for something a little more diverse since we live in a city so rich with other cultures. However, I'm not sure that I would want to take Ben away from his friends in the neighborhood who attend that school either. Plus, money is a factor as well.

Ugh. Just thinking about all of this makes my head hurt. I'm glad to have a long time to think about this!

elusive peace

Well, I was hoping for a peaceful start to 2009, but with the Israeli assault on Gaza and the riots in Oakland over a shooting of an unarmed man, I guess that I'm not going to get that wish.

gaza
I wonder why America seemingly supports Israel with hardly any conditions. I confess that I don't know everything that is going on with the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I know the big picture, but not when Gaza was given back to the Palestinians, under what conditions, who was opposed to it, who supported it, etc. Nor do I know the ins and outs of Israeli laws. I have heard that Palestinians are disenfranchised and marginalized under Israeli law. And bombing UN schools, as well as killing a driver delivering humanitarian aid isn't typically going to win you friends.

I affirm Israel's right to exist and defend itself. They are surrounded by enemies, by nations who have nuclear weapons pointed at them, as well as suicide bombers crossing into their borders (and within their own country). I can understand their paranoia. Can you imagine how different our country would be if Canada and Mexico were hostile to us and were armed with nuclear weapons?

However, I have a hard time understanding why American Christians in particular give Israel a complete blank check. Is it because it's a seemingly Jewish/Muslim conflict and we root for the Jews in that case? I would posit that it's not that simple, that there are Palestinian Christians who are caught up in this as well. I remember reading an article in Christianity Today a long time ago by a Palestinian Christian asking us not to forget them.

This conflict will not be solved until Jesus returns, I'm afraid.

oakland
I hate hearing about these sorts of things. Black man killed by white man. Cop kills unarmed civilian. While I don't condone the violence taking place, I do understand it. You can only handle so much injustice before you finally cave and say "enough!"

I could never be a police officer. It's a high-stress job and it's very difficult not to become hardened and prejudiced. I understand that. But, I have heard of numerous examples in my neighborhood of cops acting out their prejudices through words and actions. Racial profiling is real. Unfortunately, the abuse of power is real too.

I am inclined to think that if the men involved in the altercation on public transit in Oakland were white, there wouldn't be rioting right now because someone probably wouldn't have been shot and killed. It most likely would have been handled differently. Maybe I'm wrong about that. I hope I am, but I fear that I'm not.

supersize me
I haven't seen this movie yet. I'd like to, but then again, I really don't want to.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way that our society eats vs. the way that we were intended to eat. My dad is a hunter and he shot a deer this fall and gave us some of the meat. I grew up eating venison -- he shot a huge buck when I was a kid and we ate quite a bit of venison that year, so much that I developed an aversion to it -- plus, at age 10, it was all about him shooting Bambi's dad and I couldn't stomach that.

However, an older and wiser Kindra accepted the free, free range, organic meat that my father offered me and we made lasagna, spaghetti and a roast out of it. It was quite tasty and my kids didn't have any complaints (they haven't seen Bambi yet).

Food is so easy in our culture. Most Americans don't have to grow or harvest their food, they don't have to slaughter and process animals to get it. I can assure you that if I had to kill a cow, or any animal for that matter or made to visit a slaughterhouse annually, my family would eat a lot less meat. And maybe that's the way it should be? There's a sacrifice made by someone or something and when it's so easy and cheap to come by, it's taken for granted.

I watch Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel from time to time. He's a former NYC chef who has a show about traveling the globe and trying all kinds of different food. He's insolent, but very entertaining. However, he makes me want to become a vegetarian with all of the dead animals he shows, and what actually occurs in our food chain. He went to Argentina one show, which is a huge beef loving nation, and showed the young bulls being separated from their mothers and getting castrated so that they'd be less aggressive as they got older. Yuck! The mother cows were mooing as their children were being led away. It was terrible. But that's part of what's involved in me being able to buy a package of ground beef on sale for $1.99/lb in the grocery store.

Chris & I belonged to a CSA in Wisconsin this past summer and we continued it this winter. CSA = community supported agriculture. Basically, we're paying for locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables by partnering with farms in Wisconsin. We really have enjoyed it and were able to try vegetables that we've never had before, such as kohlrabi and beets -- Chris in particular has developed an affinity for roasted beets (along with Caroline). As foodies who cook a lot at home, this was worth it to us. The produce was extremely fresh and the price comparable to shopping at a Farmer's Market in the city or Whole Foods (a store where I seldom spend money, but love to wander).

We Americans like things cheap and easy, especially our food, and I think we pay the price for it with our bulging waistlines and increased rates of cancer and heart disease. We have been buying less beef lately. I don't think we could ever become vegetarians, but I'm interested in finding tasty, non-meat options for our family as well.

holiday recovery

I love the holidays. I really do. I have always loved Christmas music (I've even been caught listening to it when it's not actually the Christmas season), decorating the tree, food and spending time with family. It was especially fun this year with Ben loving all of the pageantry -- every time we get in the car, he's on the prowl for Christmas lights and loudly declares "Christmas Lights!!!" every time he spots them, which, in the city, is quite often. It's fun though, I really enjoyed seeing this time through his eyes.

However, said child is also quite spoiled with presents. His is a late-November birthday and we had a birthday party for him 2 weeks before his actual birthday. So, basically, he got presents just about once per week from mid-November until the Monday after Christmas when all was said and done. He's at the point where he wonders aloud "Where are my presents???" Guess we have our work cut out for us in trying to raise a non-materialistic child...

More to post but the kids are up! Hope everyone had a great holiday season.