Giving Thanks

Doe anyone's Thanksgiving ever look like this? 

I love Thanksgiving. I hate that it gets squeezed on the front end by Halloween and on the back end by Christmas. I'm a tradition kind of girl, so the appeal of eating the same delicious things only once per year (twice if you count leftovers) is strong.

Like most Americans, I have much to be thankful for this year and every year. My country is not torn apart by war and I'm forced to flee with the clothes on my back. I am not actively being persecuted for my faith. I have a warm home, food on the table, people who love me. My family is healthy. I do not take these things for granted. This year, however, there was a little bit extra to be thankful for.

We went to visit my husband's family in Ohio this year. My husband is one of five children, each married with at least two children. So the numbers of just that extended family is 25. Add on a few aunts and uncles and their families and we were a bulging party of 32. Even the most extroverted of us can get overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in one space, not to mention the autistic among us. However, Elias did so much better than I had anticipated. Like he was truly amazing. Not only did he talk to others on a few occasions, he was happy and mostly content pretty much the entire time. We did give him a few accommodations, such as not making him come and sit at the table for Thanksgiving dinner, allowing him to drag his blanket around the house even with all of the people around, and going outside with him often so that he could ride his scooter around and leave the fray (thank you Jesus for 61 degree weather on Thanksgiving!!).

This is contrasted to Memorial Day earlier this year. Similar circumstances, but much different outcome. He had several meltdowns over not getting popsicles and me needing him to wear shorts because that's all that was available. He wasn't talking much either, which was par for the course at that point. While he has learned a lot at school, I think we have learned a lot as well. I've been reading several things about how family gatherings can be a trial for many autistic children and their families: it's the classic fight between expectations and reality. One can have an expectation of the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving dinner: everyone sits down at a long table with a gleaming turkey and all of the trimmings, with all present (including the children) well-dressed and groomed waiting with anticipation for the patriarch to carve the turkey. If that's your expectation, you will most often be sorely disappointed, even with NT kids. And if that's your expectation for your autistic child, well, it's going to be a disappointing AND frustrating experience for all.

I went into this past weekend realizing that not everything has to look perfect and that it's much more important for Elias to feel comfortable and realize that he's in a safe space with the MANY people who love him. And to do that without demanding more from him than he's able or willing to give, such as sitting at a table at the same time everyone else does, making him eat food that he's not used to, or making him stay inside when he clearly needs to get away for awhile. And he responded beautifully. As we still have Christmas coming up with even more family gatherings, I want to do what I can to provide those accommodations for him. There will be a time when we will want him to join us at a family dinner table and when we will gently push him more than we currently are. That time will come when he has more expressive language than he currently does and we can have a conversation about why and I will know with certainty that he understands. Suffice it to say we are not there yet but I am optimistic that we will get there.