I am a product of divorced parents, something that I seldom think about except around the holidays and we're trying to juggle 3 different families with mixed success. My parents always got along, there wasn't a prolonged custody battle and both of my parents have been remarried for 25+ years. I actually don't ever remember my parents being married to one another. Both of my parent's remarriages seemed to have the same ups and downs that most people have, so I did have examples of marriages that stay together in my life.
My assumption (and I think the assumption of a lot of Christians, in particular, based on the number of marriage ministries/books/seminars out there) is that if you have a good marriage, your children will see that and will tend to have a good marriage. I still think that assumption is a decent one. However, I was reading a fiction book called Let the Great World Spin, which is a compilation of many short stories all woven together. One of the characters comments on her parent's marriage and how happy it was and how she never felt that she could attain that level of happiness, so married the first boy that showed interest in her and divorced him shortly after.
Now, this is a fictional account, but it has got me thinking. I consider myself to be in a happy marriage. My children almost never see us in conflict (we don't have very much, admittedly, but what we do, we talk through after the kids are in bed). But, is that really the best thing for them? Are we not showing them conflict resolution skills or what unconditional love looks like because we don't fight or bicker? Will their expectation of their own marriage be unreasonable because they don't have that modeled for them? Now, I'm not suggesting that I manufacture conflict just to prove a point, but it does have me wondering. My kids don't like to see us even play fighting, it tends to really upset them.
I think my parent's divorce made me extra cautious about who I chose to marry and what kind of person *I* wanted to be. Will my kids be that introspective because they think that marriage is easy based on what they've experienced in ours?
Thoughts? Was your parent's marriage happy (happy does not mean perfect -- but overall, was it conflict-ridden or did they enjoy each other's company?) and how has that affected your own, or your thoughts about marriage?
4 comments:
This is a really interesting post with a lot to think about.
My parents have a great marriage - and did when we were younger too (unlike many of my friends' parents who had strained marriages until their kids were older).
I think that preparing our kids for a healthy marriage (and healthy adult relationships) requires a few things:
1. Modeling of a good marriage - like you talked about.
2. Good parenting - I know people who jumped into bad marriages (or avoided marriage altogether) even though their parents had stable marriages. But even though the marriage was strong, their parenting did not equip their children with solid relational skills and emotional health. That lack of emotionally healthy parenting was reflected in their kids' poor relationship choices as adults IMO (and many of them overcame those issues via counseling - but for them it was very much a learned process to navigate relationship stuff I simply take for granted with Nick).
3. Open communication. DH's parents have a good marriage but didn't live it out in front of their kids - it was much more private. My parents have a good marriage and were very open about it. And I never saw them 'fight' that I can remember - but I learned in the context of our family how to handle disagreement in a calm and rational way (which is how Nick and I handle it in our marriage too). I think that kids seeing their parents fight IS scary and they don't need to see it - but they do need to see problem solving and be encouraged and taught how to problem solve on their own and how to navigate relationships.
This is why I think focusing on teaching healthy communication, conflict-management, and owning responsibility for your own feelings and actions (in a healthy way) will go a long way toward fostering healthy marriages for our kids.
Anyway...those are my thoughts :). FWIW, my siblings and I are all in stable relationships or marriages with good communication and such and we all settled down far younger than the national norm (early 20's) and I think that is due in large part to how our parents modeled marriage as something really good to have in your life instead of a burden/chore/boring reality.
Actually, thinking about it more makes me believe that this topic is very similar to how we teach our children to have a relationship with God and all about our Christian faith. It needs to be modeled in the home, but that isn't enough - it also needs to be actively taught to each child as they grow so that they know how to take the model and apply it to their own life as they become independent adults.
I think Rachael said it well: parenting, communication, modeling are all really important. The other thing that I think is key (and maybe could be categorized under "good parenting") is cultivating self-awareness. Being conscious of one's thoughts, feelings, and areas of growth seems to be really important for intimacy in a relationship, and also for good communication in fights, etc.
Great question and thoughts, Kindra. You're such an excellent thinker. :)
Not sure I can say it much better than Rachael did above.
My parents have been married for 46 years. I've seen/heard them fight and get catty with each other, but I also have seen them be affectionate/joke/laugh/make fun of each other. Something else of note that I noticed while dating Ben when we were younger - more than once he got into a tiff with his dad, or his mom and dad would gripe at each other about something, and they would never leave mad. I think one instance was a fight as one of them was getting ready to go out of town, and they made sure to resolve things before the other person left. That made a good impression on me, knowing Ben grew up seeing that sort of exchange.
I think it's good for them to hear you/be around you when you disagree/fight. Andrew has heard & seen us YELL at each other, (and has seen us talk one another down from WANTING to yell) but he's also seen us admit wrongdoing/apologize/make up, etc. I think that is important.
Post a Comment