does a happy marriage beget a happy marriage?

I am a product of divorced parents, something that I seldom think about except around the holidays and we're trying to juggle 3 different families with mixed success. My parents always got along, there wasn't a prolonged custody battle and both of my parents have been remarried for 25+ years. I actually don't ever remember my parents being married to one another. Both of my parent's remarriages seemed to have the same ups and downs that most people have, so I did have examples of marriages that stay together in my life.

My assumption (and I think the assumption of a lot of Christians, in particular, based on the number of marriage ministries/books/seminars out there) is that if you have a good marriage, your children will see that and will tend to have a good marriage. I still think that assumption is a decent one. However, I was reading a fiction book called Let the Great World Spin, which is a compilation of many short stories all woven together. One of the characters comments on her parent's marriage and how happy it was and how she never felt that she could attain that level of happiness, so married the first boy that showed interest in her and divorced him shortly after.

Now, this is a fictional account, but it has got me thinking. I consider myself to be in a happy marriage. My children almost never see us in conflict (we don't have very much, admittedly, but what we do, we talk through after the kids are in bed). But, is that really the best thing for them? Are we not showing them conflict resolution skills or what unconditional love looks like because we don't fight or bicker? Will their expectation of their own marriage be unreasonable because they don't have that modeled for them? Now, I'm not suggesting that I manufacture conflict just to prove a point, but it does have me wondering. My kids don't like to see us even play fighting, it tends to really upset them.

I think my parent's divorce made me extra cautious about who I chose to marry and what kind of person *I* wanted to be. Will my kids be that introspective because they think that marriage is easy based on what they've experienced in ours?

Thoughts? Was your parent's marriage happy (happy does not mean perfect -- but overall, was it conflict-ridden or did they enjoy each other's company?) and how has that affected your own, or your thoughts about marriage?

marriage vs. parenthood

Our church is conducting a 6 week marriage class this fall. We just completed week 5. It's given us some good things to think about and talk through. While it's not perfect, I think that Chris & I have a really good marriage. We are well-suited to each other in many ways, particularly in the way that we think and view the world. We didn't have that difficult first year that many people talk about, in fact our first year of marriage was one of the most fun. We had a difficult engagement, so perhaps that was why?

As a result of this marriage class, our church started a marriage blog that has some interesting thoughts/questions/ideas about marriage (and we are the featured wedding picture this time :)). This post is asking the question about whether marriage makes you happy or holy. I have been thinking about this question lately as it applies to my own marriage. Before I got married, I didn't expect to be happy. Not in the long term, at least. It had nothing to do with Chris -- it more had to do with what I was reading and listening to, as well as my own parents divorcing when I was young. Everything was about how much work marriage was and how you shouldn't look to your spouse to fulfill you and how you will wake up one morning and not even like the person sleeping next to you. While these things can be true, it painted a pretty bleak picture for me.

So my bar was set very low for marriage and it's FAR exceeded my expectations. The thing that has worked to make me holy is my children. I think that all of those things that people warned me about marriage applies to children for me. Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!! At least in my marriage, it's a two-way street. Parenthood often feels like a one-way street, especially with my son telling me today (out of nowhere) "I don't like you, Mom." :( It's definitely taught me a lot about servanthood, patience, my own selfishness, and my need for Jesus.

These things might flip-flop throughout my life, when parenting seems easier and marriage seems harder at the time. But in the season of life we're in right now, parenthood definitely wins in the sanctification category!