Autism

Autism. That word has been rolling around in my head, on my tongue, and doing circles around my heart for the last 3 1/2 weeks. I don't quite know what to do with it except to let it sit and nestle itself into my life because it's going to be here for awhile.
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Elias was diagnosed with autism shortly before his fourth birthday. We had to wait 6 (!!) months to get in to see a Developmental Pediatrician in order to get him diagnosed. We knew, of course, that he had some kind of developmental delay, mostly around his expressive speech. His receptive speech is good; he understands almost everything we say to him and obeys us quickly and without much hesitation (certainly better than either of his siblings). However, we knew that he needed extra support and has been seeing a speech therapist first through Early Intervention and now a private therapist since October and an Occupational Therapist since January. We've seen significant progress in him in the past month or two. Still, we needed to find out if something more was going on.

Before the appointment, I felt pretty confident that she wouldn't be diagnosing him that day, that his symptoms were vague enough and there were other mitigating factors (such as the fact that he makes good eye contact, affectionate, no significant repetitive behaviors) that would not lead her to diagnose him that day. I was caught off guard when she did. Something physiologically odd happens to me (and probably others) when I receive bad news about one of my children from a doctor. The room closes in on me. I lose my peripheral vision. The doctor's voice is the only thing I can hear but I only process intermittent phrases. Caroline was in the NICU for a week after she was born with a suspected infection and I remember being wheeled into the NICU to see my baby, only to see her in an incubator and unable to touch her. The doctor was explaining to me that she had a possible infection, but, being in a postpartum haze, I only picked up the words "spinal tap", "antibiotics", and "bacterial infection." This time the words I picked up were "I do think he has autism", "moderate on the spectrum", "preschool for children with autism", "he has average normal to near average normal intelligence" [edit: Chris's correction], "good self-help skills", "tend to have more positive outcomes".
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I have immersed myself in the world of autism and, as in any new "world" that one enters, I have acquired a new vocabulary: ASD, PDD-NOS, neurotypical, neurodiversity, stimming, scripting, echolalia, LRE, ABA, PECS... I have been particularly impacted by this blog and reading about both her and her daughter's journey. It's changed the way that I view autism. This diagnosis does not condemn my baby to a lifetime of loneliness, joylessness, or lack of relationships. He can have a rich life filled with love and light because of, not in spite of, his autism. So, I do not want sympathy because my son is on the spectrum. I do want sympathy because we have to spend way more time on the phone with insurance companies, therapists, and doctor's offices. I do need help: I'm thankful for friends who are willing to help us by watching our kids so we can go to meetings and just get a chance to recharge as a couple. I do need to be connected with other parents of children with autism. I do need people to understand and de-stigmatize autism and see Elias as a precious little boy made in the image of God, as we all are and to treat him with understanding and love.
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In the days leading up to his diagnosis, my Mark bible study led me to Isaiah 43. In fact, Isaiah continually admonishes the Israelites to "not fear", "do not be afraid", "fear not". These verses have covered my heart in these early weeks. 

1 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
 - Isaiah 43:1-3