Judgment

So many times we as parents are judged by the behavior of our children, are we not? Society sees a misbehaving child and assumes that the parents are too lenient. They see a perfectly behaved child and assumes that the parents must be doing something right. Both assumptions are problematic. First, the misbehaving child may be that way because of a disability/disorder, maybe they've been running errands for 2 hours straight because that's the only day that her parent has off, her parents may have just decided to divorce, or she is just having a lousy day. The second child may be perfectly behaved because of draconian discipline practices at home, maybe he has a sensory processing disorder that makes him hypo-reactive to sensory input (meaning: he is a little too laid back), or he might just have gotten his favorite ice cream. An outside observer does not know any details of the situation, yet can still place unfair judgment. Any mom whose kid has had a public meltdown and been given unsolicited advice knows this.

Now that we have an autism diagnosis, I have at times felt compelled to tell this to complete strangers who are looking askance as my 4 year runs back and forth in the hallway while we wait for his speech therapy appointment or when he lays down on the floor of the grocery store (gross). Viscerally, I want people to know that it's not my poor parenting that cannot control my son; his autism is creating this socially undesirable behavior. I feel the weight of others's judgment, whether spoken or not.

We were at dinner with Caroline's soccer team and their parents on Friday night. I sat next to one of her teammates's mothers whom I had never met before. We exchanged pleasantries, including how old our sons were. Her son was almost 4 and was interacting with her in a normal 4-year old way. She asked how old Elias was and responded "4" and almost felt compelled to tell her that he has autism so that she'd understand why he was not speaking in sentences, singing to himself, and grabbing all of the silverware that he could reach and banging on the table with it like a drum. But I didn't. Because I should not have to explain to every stranger that I meet about Elias's diagnosis (unless his behavior is disruptive or violent, which it almost never is). But this fear of people thinking poorly of me, my parenting skills and/or my child is so ingrained that I feel the need to explain and deflect.

The firestorm around the autistic child who was kicked off of the United Airlines flight hurts my mama's heart. I clicked on the Facebook comments even though I knew that it would upset me. And it did. Comments like: "As a passenger, I cringe whenever there is a crying child on board, but the worst is a kid with behavioral problems. Why should I tolerate a kid kicking the back of my seat for an entire flight? If a passenger has a kid with issues, then drive to your destination, or hire a charter flight. The public should not be subject to these kids." (emphasis mine) "Parents are responsible for not planning" One post even said that they should have medicated her with a sedative before they put her on the plane!

There are many things I could say about both the way that United mishandled the situation and yes, it's true that perhaps the parents could have planned it a little better. However, if there is one constant about autism is that it's not predictable. Your kid can be doing just fine at one point and then do an about-face with little warning. The mother has said that she tried feeding her daughter a hot meal in the airport but she rejected it. If it was me, I would start panicking thinking that it's a long way from Florida to Portland, but that I'm sure that I could buy a hot meal on board if I explained the situation to a flight attendant. That someone in this process would have compassion. I think that the mother made a mistake in insinuating that her child could become violent, which is what alerted the captain. It does appear that there was also a degree of prejudice and misunderstanding about autism by the crew as well.

To my mind, it comes down to this: extend grace. Reserve judgment. Offer assistance if needed. These are good mantras to live by with respect to all people, not just in interactions with people with disabilities.