marriage vs. parenthood

Our church is conducting a 6 week marriage class this fall. We just completed week 5. It's given us some good things to think about and talk through. While it's not perfect, I think that Chris & I have a really good marriage. We are well-suited to each other in many ways, particularly in the way that we think and view the world. We didn't have that difficult first year that many people talk about, in fact our first year of marriage was one of the most fun. We had a difficult engagement, so perhaps that was why?

As a result of this marriage class, our church started a marriage blog that has some interesting thoughts/questions/ideas about marriage (and we are the featured wedding picture this time :)). This post is asking the question about whether marriage makes you happy or holy. I have been thinking about this question lately as it applies to my own marriage. Before I got married, I didn't expect to be happy. Not in the long term, at least. It had nothing to do with Chris -- it more had to do with what I was reading and listening to, as well as my own parents divorcing when I was young. Everything was about how much work marriage was and how you shouldn't look to your spouse to fulfill you and how you will wake up one morning and not even like the person sleeping next to you. While these things can be true, it painted a pretty bleak picture for me.

So my bar was set very low for marriage and it's FAR exceeded my expectations. The thing that has worked to make me holy is my children. I think that all of those things that people warned me about marriage applies to children for me. Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!! At least in my marriage, it's a two-way street. Parenthood often feels like a one-way street, especially with my son telling me today (out of nowhere) "I don't like you, Mom." :( It's definitely taught me a lot about servanthood, patience, my own selfishness, and my need for Jesus.

These things might flip-flop throughout my life, when parenting seems easier and marriage seems harder at the time. But in the season of life we're in right now, parenthood definitely wins in the sanctification category!

Book Review - Protecting the Gift

I am generally a fearful person (which is something that God is working on in me). One of my biggest fears about being a parent (and if you have a few hours, I can tell you the 10,423 others) is that someone will abduct one of my children. My friend Rachael lent me this book about a year ago and it really impacted me because it was empowering -- I no longer felt like I was this protective bird trying to fan out my wings far enough to keep any predators from taking my children -- there are things that I can do to proactively protect my kids. Lately I've been thinking more about the techniques he proffers and have been doing them with Ben.

His main theme is that, as mothers, we need to listen to our "wild voice" -- that voice inside of you that senses that you're in danger or that someone is a little "off." I often try to squash or rationalize away that voice "No, I'm sure he's very nice -- he's just a little socially awkward" etc. But we need to listen to that voice that tells us that something is not quite right and believe our children when they say that as well.

One thing that was really reassuring to me was the fact that very few children are simply plucked off of the street. In a stranger abduction, it is more likely that someone tries to strike up a friendly conversation with a frazzled, distracted mother and when they're not looking, they will abduct the child or convince the mother to let them "help." He makes the point that in that situation, you need to say very loudly that you are not interested and to please leave them alone.

This happened recently to me -- the kids and I went downtown to visit Chris and took the el. Unfortunately, the stop that is closest to his work does not have an elevator, so I am laden down with a lightweight stroller & diaper bag slung over my shoulder, Caroline strapped onto me in a mei tai, and holding Ben's hand as we make our way down what feels like hundreds of stairs, but is in reality only 25 or so. And before we can even get down the stairs, we have to go through a revolving door that is not big enough for all 3 of us.

So, here is my circus act coming off of the train and I'm waiting for others to go down so that I can take my time in getting myself & my children down safely. This older man offers to help Ben through the revolving door (he's on the other side and helping Ben push the door), help that I accept, but then have second thoughts when he offers to carry him down the stairs. I'm 95% sure he meant well. But what if he didn't? What if he threw him down the stairs or off of the platform onto the street? What if he took off with him and I wasn't able to catch up? My wild brain conjured up all kinds of scenarios in that split second before I told this stranger "No thank you, I can handle it." He kind of gave me a weird look and then left.

One of my weird quirks is that I am very deferential to strangers. I don't want to insult, offend or hurt anyone's feelings. So, the author's assertion to be rude to people I don't know runs counter to who I am. Telling that man no, even though he most likely just saw a mother with a lot to deal with and wanted to help, was difficult for me, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.

Another thing he makes a point of in this book is that you need to tell your children to talk to strangers. Most of us grew up with the mantra "Don't talk to strangers" or "Find a police officer if you're lost," but as he points out, the likes of Ted Bundy and other serial killers were security guards, who are very difficult to distinguish from police officers to a small child. So, tell your kids to talk to strangers, just teach them which ones they should talk to, i.e., women, especially women with children, as they are the ones most likely to help your child and stay with them until they are found.

So, I have been coaching Benjamin if he ever gets lost that he should find a mommy and tell them: "My name is Ben. I can't find my mommy. Her name is Kindra. Can you help me?" I'm hoping that he never has to use it, but I feel a bit more confident that if he does get lost, I'll be able to find him more quickly. I've also thought about putting my cell phone number on a tag for his clothes. I probably wouldn't do that until we go to Disney or another amusement park.

Even though this book made me cringe and cry (he tells of true stories for children who were abducted and how they were), it was an invaluable resource for me.

Running & Numbness

run, kindra, run
I went running yesterday for the first time since February, 2007 (which is the month we found out I was pregnant). Ouch -- both for the length of time it has been and for my physical state. I was doing fine the first two blocks. And then it started to hurt. I plowed through and did 2 miles -- walked the last .1 mile or so. It took me a looong time, like 23 minutes to do those 2 miles, but I got through it. I'm hoping to get myself up tomorrow morning to do it again. I know it just gets easier the more you do it, but man, it's hard to motivate yourself to get out of your warm cozy bed in the morning!

comfortably numb
I had a dentist appointment yesterday to get a cavity filled, an appointment that I was NOT looking forward to. I have only had 3 small cavities in my entire life. Apparently I have really good enamel, or so says my dentist.

I really hate having Novocaine applied. I had a bad experience once where the dentist must have put it directly on a nerve because it hurt like the Dickens. Beyond that, I just don't like that numbness sensation. However, I'm so thankful that we have that now -- I have had one of those small cavities filled without it and it was really painful! I can't even imagine how horrible it would be without it -- as people had to endure in the days before anesthesia. It really wasn't bad, all in all. I didn't feel any pain, not even in the application of the Novocaine.

It did get me thinking about how to improve my oral hygiene so I don't have to go through this again. I brush twice a day, floss sometimes, drink lots of water and chew sugarfree gum. I don't really limit my sweet intake though.

I also think about how to improve my children's oral hygiene, beyond just hoping they have my good enamel (and not Chris'). Ben LOVES candy (actually, any junk food). He also loves chocolate milk, and for awhile, that was the only way he would drink milk. I normally give him one cup/day of chocolate milk (with only one scoop of chocolate powder). He's been to the dentist twice already and has great teeth, though I do feel guilty about how much sweet stuff I give him. I really need to try to limit it, though I wasn't really limited as a child and never had a lot of negative repercussions (weight gain, teeth issues) because of it. Though I definitely want to spare my children the negative experience of having to have a cavity filled, particularly at a young age.

Dental health is pretty important to me -- I was always taken to the dentist twice/year as a child and plan to take my children that often. I'm thankful we have insurance to cover it.

Socks and A Sorry

socks
I finished my socks yesterday! I'm very proud of them. I have been wanting to learn how to knit socks for a good 6 months or so, but the class that I wanted to take at my favorite local yarn store, Loopy Yarns, was never at times when I could be there every week. Finally, there was a class that fit with my schedule and I took it. I'm so glad I did! It was fun to go and learn something new and get out of the house and let Chris take care of the kids for a night.

I never could have figured out on my own how to knit these. I'm mostly a self-taught knitter (with the notable exception of being initially taught by Colleen), but the rest has just been through reading and www.knittinghelp.com.

I'm going to try a pattern on my next pair, like these:
They are significantly more complicated, so maybe I should do a few more easy ones and then try these...

a sorry
I was getting ready for the day this morning when I hear wailing and whining from downstairs. I yell down to see what was going on and find out that Ben was crying because Chris wasn't letting him watch a Jib Jab video that he wanted to watch. Why is my kid watching Jib Jab, you ask? Our friend made some Jib Jab e-cards with Ben's face (along with 2 other boys his age) break dancing and Ben loves watching it (we think he thinks he can actually dance like that).

Anyhow, there are videos on the side while you're watching your e-card, and Ben wanted to watch one of them that Chris deemed inappropriate. And a fit ensued.

I took Ben upstairs with me and distracted him sufficiently (i.e., showed him my cell phone games) that he calmed down after awhile. We went into his room to get him dressed for school. After Chris got out of the shower, Ben went into our room and said to him "Daddy, I'm sorry that I was crying." I was floored. Completely unprompted, he apologized for his temper tantrum!

The biggest thing that my mom did right in raising us was modeling for us how to apologize. Whenever we would fight, she would always come up and apologize and make sure we made up. That's something that I really want to try to do with my kids. I think it's important for my kids to know that it's not weakness to apologize -- and when you're wrong, you need to do what you can to make things right. I think that lesson has served me well in my marriage and in my relationships.

It's much more often when I feel like I am screwing up my kids. But then there comes a moment like this morning when I think that my folly & failures are not getting in the way of what God wants done with these children...