Our church is conducting a 6 week marriage class this fall. We just completed week 5. It's given us some good things to think about and talk through. While it's not perfect, I think that Chris & I have a really good marriage. We are well-suited to each other in many ways, particularly in the way that we think and view the world. We didn't have that difficult first year that many people talk about, in fact our first year of marriage was one of the most fun. We had a difficult engagement, so perhaps that was why?
As a result of this marriage class, our church started a marriage blog that has some interesting thoughts/questions/ideas about marriage (and we are the featured wedding picture this time :)). This post is asking the question about whether marriage makes you happy or holy. I have been thinking about this question lately as it applies to my own marriage. Before I got married, I didn't expect to be happy. Not in the long term, at least. It had nothing to do with Chris -- it more had to do with what I was reading and listening to, as well as my own parents divorcing when I was young. Everything was about how much work marriage was and how you shouldn't look to your spouse to fulfill you and how you will wake up one morning and not even like the person sleeping next to you. While these things can be true, it painted a pretty bleak picture for me.
So my bar was set very low for marriage and it's FAR exceeded my expectations. The thing that has worked to make me holy is my children. I think that all of those things that people warned me about marriage applies to children for me. Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!! At least in my marriage, it's a two-way street. Parenthood often feels like a one-way street, especially with my son telling me today (out of nowhere) "I don't like you, Mom." :( It's definitely taught me a lot about servanthood, patience, my own selfishness, and my need for Jesus.
These things might flip-flop throughout my life, when parenting seems easier and marriage seems harder at the time. But in the season of life we're in right now, parenthood definitely wins in the sanctification category!
5 comments:
But something can be fun and still make you more like Jesus. Sanctification doesn't necessarily = painful. You probably just don't notice it as much, because it's more subtle, occurs over a longer period of time and involves less obvious work.
I totally agree about parenthood being the sanctification route. I love being a mom, but it is incredibly challenging work. And part of the hard part (for you too, I bet) is having high standards for being a parent! It wouldn't be so difficult if we didn't care so darn much.
Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!!
That is so true for me too. Parenting constantly confronts me with my own flaws and self-centeredness, marriage is a lot easier in so many ways (and we also had an awesome first year of marriage without much difficulty transitioning either).
Francie -- you're absolutely right, sanctifcation is not just painful and I've learned a lot about God through my marriage. Parenthood, however, hearkens the phrase "refined in the fire" to mind...
Ann -- you're so right about having high standards! It would be way easier if I wasn't worried about shaping my children's characters and values.
Rachael -- I think that's been one of the hardest things about parenthood, being constantly faced with how short I fall.
Kindra,
It's so good to read about how much you and Chris enjoy each other and that you guys are so happy.
I'll be the black sheep here and say that for me, it's marriage. We also didn't have a difficult first year of marriage (I do think difficult engagements make the first year a lot more of a wedded bliss). However, especially with all the drastic changes our family has had to undergo in the past 2.5 years, marriage has been the part that has been more difficult for me. (Not to say parenthood hasn't been difficult, but sometimes it's easier for me to give to my kids than to Jeff). I think because we were in survival mode this year with our move, I expected Jeff to take care of himself and not to ask me for much. I think I also feel this way when I have a newborn. Anyway, when we are stressed, our cultural differences come out a lot more too. It's nice when we can pull back to be alone, but very rare since family is far away and Jesse is still so young.
Either way, I think every marriage has seasons of ease and seasons of trial, some have the latter more than others.
I'll have to check out the blog!
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