My baby is almost one year old, a fact that gives me much consternation and sadness, as well as joy and delight. I have absolutely loved having a baby again. With each passing milestone -- sitting up, crawling, teething -- I have been happy and proud, with a twinge of sadness, knowing that was the end of that particular stage forever since this is most likely our last baby. However, this last "milestone" has reduced me to puddle of tears.
Elias decided on Friday that he was done nursing.
He had been horribly sick and miserable all week -- Caroline had it first and then passed it onto me and then I passed it onto Chris and finally it made its way to Elias. It was a terrible virus and he was one very unhappy baby, not wanting to be put down, but continuing to cry while I was holding him. He was skipping some of his regular nursing sessions that week, but would then nurse at the next one. However, on Friday, he decided that he didn't want to nurse at all and was screaming & arching his back as if I was trying to poison him. I was a weeping mess on Friday night -- I was not and am still not emotionally ready to let him wean.
I have loved nursing my babies. It was exquisitely painful with my firstborn for the first 6 weeks, but then it was way easier. I loved the knowledge that my body was nourishing and sustaining life, even after they were out of the womb. I loved knowing that I was giving them nutrition that was specifically tailored for them. I love all of the amazing properties of breast milk, including the medicinal ones. And, I won't lie -- I loved the weight loss benefits. But, most of all, I love watching their little faces as they nurse, how relaxed and happy that it makes both them and me, and I love the cuddle time, which is precious since neither of my boys were/are very cuddly.
That's not to say that nursing isn't without its issues -- I have had mastitis and plugged ducts. I had a particularly bad plugged duct with Elias, which was very tender and painful. Elias also started biting me in this past week and I have reacted strongly, as I have with my older two children, which got them to stop right away. However, he continued to bite me and I continued to say "No bite!" and pull him off, which made him cry. I wonder if this is part of the reason he is on a nursing strike, the fear of my reaction...
According to La Leche League, this is a classic nursing strike, not a weaning. I would like to continue our nursing relationship, but I have also heard of kids who are impossible to wean after you persevere through a strike and get them nursing again. He *is* almost 1 year old -- I was planning on starting to wean him around 18 months anyhow. I'm going to continue to offer it until Friday and then if he's done, then he's done. So far he has shown no interest, though he will take expressed breast milk from a cup, so I'm pumping for now.
*sigh* I clearly remember the last time he nursed, which was Thursday night before bed. I wish I would have known it was the last time :( I'm thankful to have had 11 months of nursing my baby though, I know that there are many who aren't able to nurse at all.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
New Year's Resolution
I don't make a New Year's Resolution every year. Typically it's not something I have agonized over for months and on January 1st take the plunge. When I make one, it's either something that I've wanted to do for awhile and have made ample excuses not to, something that takes work that I haven't been able to put into it before, or something that I want to in order to better myself. A few years ago it was to commit to reading one book per month, which sounds modest, but when you have 2 small children at home, it wasn't as easy as one may think, though I did end up exceeding my goal.
This year, I decided that that my resolution would be to put our family on a budget. I have been married for almost nine years, I have a business degree and yet we have never been on a real budget before. I do the bills and it's all been in my head. I've always known if we have enough money in checking to cover our expenses and if we don't, I know when we need to transfer it. This has worked okay -- we have no consumer debt and we have emergency and retirement savings. However, we also don't have any financial goals for lack of pre-planning.
I've mostly resisted putting us on a budget because it's been too annoying as the one who does the bills. For example: if I go to Target and buy bananas, diapers, soup, a birthday card and toilet paper, I then get home and have to distill the receipt into four different categories and also account for tax (this is my business background coming out -- wanting to tie every amount to the penny). It's irritating and I tend to give up after the receipts start piling up.
I downloaded 30 day trial of this budgeting program called You Need a Budget and I really like it so far. Their methodology makes sense to me and I'm not sure if it's just because I'm in a place where I'm ready to do finally do it, but I really like the way the software is set up. I've also decided to just estimate the amounts when I make one of those Target trips that I described before -- even if it's not perfect, it's better than not recording it at all.
I have accounts set up for both our checking and credit card since we put most of our purchases on the credit card and then pay it off in its entirety the following month to take advantage of the rewards. I like being able to see the balances of both instead of just guessing at what is coming up and what has been paid already. It is somewhat labor intensive for me as I go daily to our bank website and download files to import into the software, but right now it's not a burden. To me, that's easier than keeping track of all of the receipts!
I also like this software because there's a lot of support for it, unlike Quicken or Microsoft Money. You can email a real person and they will email you back, or you can post to their forums, on which their staff answers questions. The only drawback is that it costs $60, which seems a little steep to me, but then you have it for life, including any updates. I haven't bought it yet, but I'm thinking I will.
I have the tool and resolve right now -- let's see if I stick to it! I'd love to hear about how other people budget.
This year, I decided that that my resolution would be to put our family on a budget. I have been married for almost nine years, I have a business degree and yet we have never been on a real budget before. I do the bills and it's all been in my head. I've always known if we have enough money in checking to cover our expenses and if we don't, I know when we need to transfer it. This has worked okay -- we have no consumer debt and we have emergency and retirement savings. However, we also don't have any financial goals for lack of pre-planning.
I've mostly resisted putting us on a budget because it's been too annoying as the one who does the bills. For example: if I go to Target and buy bananas, diapers, soup, a birthday card and toilet paper, I then get home and have to distill the receipt into four different categories and also account for tax (this is my business background coming out -- wanting to tie every amount to the penny). It's irritating and I tend to give up after the receipts start piling up.
I downloaded 30 day trial of this budgeting program called You Need a Budget and I really like it so far. Their methodology makes sense to me and I'm not sure if it's just because I'm in a place where I'm ready to do finally do it, but I really like the way the software is set up. I've also decided to just estimate the amounts when I make one of those Target trips that I described before -- even if it's not perfect, it's better than not recording it at all.
I have accounts set up for both our checking and credit card since we put most of our purchases on the credit card and then pay it off in its entirety the following month to take advantage of the rewards. I like being able to see the balances of both instead of just guessing at what is coming up and what has been paid already. It is somewhat labor intensive for me as I go daily to our bank website and download files to import into the software, but right now it's not a burden. To me, that's easier than keeping track of all of the receipts!
I also like this software because there's a lot of support for it, unlike Quicken or Microsoft Money. You can email a real person and they will email you back, or you can post to their forums, on which their staff answers questions. The only drawback is that it costs $60, which seems a little steep to me, but then you have it for life, including any updates. I haven't bought it yet, but I'm thinking I will.
I have the tool and resolve right now -- let's see if I stick to it! I'd love to hear about how other people budget.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Two Book Reviews
Book Review #1
I recently read Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Girly Girl Culture by Peggy Orenstein. I was reluctant to read this book after reading an excerpt of it on msnbc.com several months ago, but my friend Ann recommended it to me so I thought I would give it a go. I'm glad that I did.
There are many things in the book that I disagree with. Part of the reason that I didn't want to read it after reading the excerpt was the whole idea that girls playing with, say, Thomas the Tank Engine, was preferred over them playing with princesses. I think that is a feminist ruse that exalts the male while diminishing the female, which ironically is what feminists are supposedly fighting against. As the mother of a girly girl who is not one herself, it has been a struggle at times to accept all of the pink and obsession with princesses. I certainly don't need a feminist telling me that my daughter needs to play with boy toys! However, my initial impression of the book was incorrect. It was less of a railing against pink and girly than an examination of our culture and the impact that it is having on young girls, particularly the sexualization of girls at a younger and younger age.
Though I fundamentally disagree with her sexual ethics, I do agree with her observation that girls are being encouraged to act, dress, and pretend to be older than they are. I see this when I go shopping and see Disney Princess lip balm, eyeshadow, and nail polish. I see this when I see ads for Toddlers and Tiaras (a show that I purposefully boycotted, even when we did have cable). I see this when I walk down the clothing aisles for 6-10 year old girls and am appalled that they look like mini versions of clothes for 21 year olds. I see this when I read stories about men arrested for possessing child pornography. I see this when I hear the horror stories of 3 and 4 year old girls around the world being sold into sexual slavery to assuage the appetites of pedophiles, many from western countries. It's a slippery slope.
If you have a girl, it's worth the read.
Book Review #2
Over the weekend I finished Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick. This was one of the most amazing books I've ever read. Demick uses her interviews from six North Korean defectors to piece together what life was like in the 80s and 90s in the northern town of Chongjin, which is in the northeast corner of North Korea.
We have all heard the figures -- approximately 600,000 to 2 million people died during the famine in the late 90's after the Soviet Union collapsed and stopped subsidizing the North Korean government. However, reading the stories behind the famine makes it almost unbearable to contemplate the horrors that were going on at the time, and the government's unwillingness to acknowledge it, much less help. Instead of food for its people, all of the country's meager resources were going into the production of nuclear weapons. The people have been so indoctrinated (read: brainwashed) into thinking that a strike by the US or its "puppet government" in South Korea was imminent that they were willing to accept this. Further, the government would tell them to persevere while they and their children were starving. The deification of the Kim family, the propoganda and the blindness of the government would almost be funny if it weren't so tragic.
I could not possibly do this book justice in this review. Read it.
I recently read Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Girly Girl Culture by Peggy Orenstein. I was reluctant to read this book after reading an excerpt of it on msnbc.com several months ago, but my friend Ann recommended it to me so I thought I would give it a go. I'm glad that I did.
There are many things in the book that I disagree with. Part of the reason that I didn't want to read it after reading the excerpt was the whole idea that girls playing with, say, Thomas the Tank Engine, was preferred over them playing with princesses. I think that is a feminist ruse that exalts the male while diminishing the female, which ironically is what feminists are supposedly fighting against. As the mother of a girly girl who is not one herself, it has been a struggle at times to accept all of the pink and obsession with princesses. I certainly don't need a feminist telling me that my daughter needs to play with boy toys! However, my initial impression of the book was incorrect. It was less of a railing against pink and girly than an examination of our culture and the impact that it is having on young girls, particularly the sexualization of girls at a younger and younger age.
Though I fundamentally disagree with her sexual ethics, I do agree with her observation that girls are being encouraged to act, dress, and pretend to be older than they are. I see this when I go shopping and see Disney Princess lip balm, eyeshadow, and nail polish. I see this when I see ads for Toddlers and Tiaras (a show that I purposefully boycotted, even when we did have cable). I see this when I walk down the clothing aisles for 6-10 year old girls and am appalled that they look like mini versions of clothes for 21 year olds. I see this when I read stories about men arrested for possessing child pornography. I see this when I hear the horror stories of 3 and 4 year old girls around the world being sold into sexual slavery to assuage the appetites of pedophiles, many from western countries. It's a slippery slope.
If you have a girl, it's worth the read.
Book Review #2
Over the weekend I finished Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick. This was one of the most amazing books I've ever read. Demick uses her interviews from six North Korean defectors to piece together what life was like in the 80s and 90s in the northern town of Chongjin, which is in the northeast corner of North Korea.
We have all heard the figures -- approximately 600,000 to 2 million people died during the famine in the late 90's after the Soviet Union collapsed and stopped subsidizing the North Korean government. However, reading the stories behind the famine makes it almost unbearable to contemplate the horrors that were going on at the time, and the government's unwillingness to acknowledge it, much less help. Instead of food for its people, all of the country's meager resources were going into the production of nuclear weapons. The people have been so indoctrinated (read: brainwashed) into thinking that a strike by the US or its "puppet government" in South Korea was imminent that they were willing to accept this. Further, the government would tell them to persevere while they and their children were starving. The deification of the Kim family, the propoganda and the blindness of the government would almost be funny if it weren't so tragic.
I could not possibly do this book justice in this review. Read it.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
the difference between boys & girls
Scene: me, pumping milk to squirt into the baby's eye, which is infected with pink eye.
Ben: *eyeing the output (note: he couldn't actually see anything, just the bottle sticking out from under my shirt)* "How does the store get gallons and gallons of milk?"
Me: "Well, that milk comes from cows."
Ben: "From the cow's privates, just like your milk comes from your privates?"
Me: "Uh, yes -- on cows it's called an udder. It's underneath of them."
Ben: "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about. Boy and girl cows have udders."
Me: "No, only girl cows have udders. Only girls, cows and humans, make milk."
Ben: "What do boy cows make? Cheese?"
Me: "No, cheese comes from milk."
Ben: *thinking* "So, boys don't make anything, huh?"
Ben: *eyeing the output (note: he couldn't actually see anything, just the bottle sticking out from under my shirt)* "How does the store get gallons and gallons of milk?"
Me: "Well, that milk comes from cows."
Ben: "From the cow's privates, just like your milk comes from your privates?"
Me: "Uh, yes -- on cows it's called an udder. It's underneath of them."
Ben: "Oh yeah! I know what you're talking about. Boy and girl cows have udders."
Me: "No, only girl cows have udders. Only girls, cows and humans, make milk."
Ben: "What do boy cows make? Cheese?"
Me: "No, cheese comes from milk."
Ben: *thinking* "So, boys don't make anything, huh?"
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
a parenting dilemma solved
I actually made up a solution to a parenting dilemma that was driving me nuts! I'm not a super original mom for the most part -- I often ask friends for advice, scour the internet, post a facebook plea... Why reinvent the wheel when I can stand on the shoulders of giants, right?
So, our issue was that a certain little Miss was asking me constantly for a snack. Like every 30 minutes, at least. It was making me crazy because she wasn't hungry, she was bored and it devolves into pestering and whining. She also wasn't eating meals because she was snacking so much through the day! It was making me miserable and her too. So, I decided to do something about it. I got out a plate and put a variety of healthy (yogurt, fruit, vegetables, string cheese) and neutral (I'm looking at you graham crackers and pretzels) snacks on it and dubbed it her "snack plate" and put it on the bottom of the refrigerator that she can get whenever she wants. And once she's out, she's out of snacks.
To this writing, she has asked me far less for snacks and not even eaten the entire plate once! This tells me that she really was bored and not actually hungry when she was asking before, which is something I want to nip in the bud with her right away. I think this has allowed her to feel much more in control of her food, which in turn has made her stop obsessing over it.
Now, I'm sure that this isn't an original idea and probably everyone else does this and I'm finally just catching on now :) But it's been a revelation over here!
 |
| A plate of snacks = harmony between mom & daughter |
To this writing, she has asked me far less for snacks and not even eaten the entire plate once! This tells me that she really was bored and not actually hungry when she was asking before, which is something I want to nip in the bud with her right away. I think this has allowed her to feel much more in control of her food, which in turn has made her stop obsessing over it.
Now, I'm sure that this isn't an original idea and probably everyone else does this and I'm finally just catching on now :) But it's been a revelation over here!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Life With 3 Kids - Clarification
I realize that I said that I wanted three kids and then ended my last post with "this was the best thing that we almost didn't do." which is confusing! I didn't mention in that post how much back and forth Chris & I both did about whether or not to birth the third child or to begin the adoption process. It really felt like a now or never situation if we were going to birth another baby.
Once I got pregnant, my husband said "Well, I guess we're having 4 kids!" However, I need a little more sleep before I start thinking about adopting another baby :)
Once I got pregnant, my husband said "Well, I guess we're having 4 kids!" However, I need a little more sleep before I start thinking about adopting another baby :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Life With 3 Kids
I come from a two child family, it was just me and my brother who is 18 months younger than me. Growing up I often wished that there was someone else to play with, particularly when my brother was alone playing Legos, something that held no interest for me -- I built the same thing every time: a house.
I decided from a young age that I wanted more than two kids -- probably three, maybe even four. When my husband and I started dating and talked about children, we both said three or four (at least one of which would be adopted).
Then we had our first. He was fussy (bordering on colic) and slept horribly for the first 12 months of his life. I was beginning to reconsider this whole 3-4 kids idea. We were surprised with our second child, but we were fully intending to start trying to conceive in the next few months, so it was not shocking. I was terrified of a repeat experience as I had with my first in his newborn years, but our daughter could NOT have been more different. She was an amazing sleeper (sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and from 7 pm - 7 am by 12 weeks) and nothing seemed to bother her. She was the most laid-back and easy baby.
It was the memories of my second that drove my desire to give birth to just one more baby about a year and a half ago. I wanted to squeeze those chubby thighs and kiss those chubby cheeks. I missed having a child that didn't yet talk to me, just gave me sweet little grins. And, I knew that this was most likely going to be the last opportunity -- I am going to be 35 next year and with a previous c-section, I didn't want to take chances that I would have to have a repeat c-section and I feared being on a short leash while in labor. Plus, I would like to get some sleep at SOME point in my life!
Our third baby has been all of the chubby smooshiness that I could have wanted. Seriously, if I could bottle up the sensation of kissing fat baby cheeks and sell it, I would be a billionaire. For the most part, he has been a hybrid of my two previous baby experiences -- mostly laid-back, happy baby, but not a great sleeper, though he's not as bad as his brother was.
I have been able to take things more in stride this time around. Yes, sleep deprivation is still a really horrible feeling, plus having to take care of two other children after you haven't gotten any sleep and can't take a nap since the other two need attention, in addition to my husband going out of town for work two separate times for a few days apiece within 5 weeks. However, this time I have admitted my weakness and called on the Lord and I know that He's given me the strength, energy, and yes, joy, that I have needed in this season. I don't want to look back at this time and only see a sleep-deprived fog. I know how quickly this baby time with Elias is going to go and I want to make sure I enjoy it!
I will say though that there are times when I think "Wow, was this totally crazy that we had a third kid???" Mostly I say that when the sleep deprivation gets really bad. However, the other two were potty-trained, sleeping through the night (mostly), they were both in school, and now we started all over again. Elias is at the point that he needs regular naps, so I'm once again tied to home while he naps -- which isn't a bad thing, but difficult because I would really love to volunteer to go on field trips at Ben's school, but I can't right now since I don't have a babysitter and he won't take a bottle.
However, I know that this is all just a phase and it will go more quickly than I want it to. Having Elias was absolutely the best thing that we almost didn't do. As happens with each child, I can't imagine our family without him anymore!
I decided from a young age that I wanted more than two kids -- probably three, maybe even four. When my husband and I started dating and talked about children, we both said three or four (at least one of which would be adopted).
Then we had our first. He was fussy (bordering on colic) and slept horribly for the first 12 months of his life. I was beginning to reconsider this whole 3-4 kids idea. We were surprised with our second child, but we were fully intending to start trying to conceive in the next few months, so it was not shocking. I was terrified of a repeat experience as I had with my first in his newborn years, but our daughter could NOT have been more different. She was an amazing sleeper (sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and from 7 pm - 7 am by 12 weeks) and nothing seemed to bother her. She was the most laid-back and easy baby.
It was the memories of my second that drove my desire to give birth to just one more baby about a year and a half ago. I wanted to squeeze those chubby thighs and kiss those chubby cheeks. I missed having a child that didn't yet talk to me, just gave me sweet little grins. And, I knew that this was most likely going to be the last opportunity -- I am going to be 35 next year and with a previous c-section, I didn't want to take chances that I would have to have a repeat c-section and I feared being on a short leash while in labor. Plus, I would like to get some sleep at SOME point in my life!
Our third baby has been all of the chubby smooshiness that I could have wanted. Seriously, if I could bottle up the sensation of kissing fat baby cheeks and sell it, I would be a billionaire. For the most part, he has been a hybrid of my two previous baby experiences -- mostly laid-back, happy baby, but not a great sleeper, though he's not as bad as his brother was.
I have been able to take things more in stride this time around. Yes, sleep deprivation is still a really horrible feeling, plus having to take care of two other children after you haven't gotten any sleep and can't take a nap since the other two need attention, in addition to my husband going out of town for work two separate times for a few days apiece within 5 weeks. However, this time I have admitted my weakness and called on the Lord and I know that He's given me the strength, energy, and yes, joy, that I have needed in this season. I don't want to look back at this time and only see a sleep-deprived fog. I know how quickly this baby time with Elias is going to go and I want to make sure I enjoy it!
I will say though that there are times when I think "Wow, was this totally crazy that we had a third kid???" Mostly I say that when the sleep deprivation gets really bad. However, the other two were potty-trained, sleeping through the night (mostly), they were both in school, and now we started all over again. Elias is at the point that he needs regular naps, so I'm once again tied to home while he naps -- which isn't a bad thing, but difficult because I would really love to volunteer to go on field trips at Ben's school, but I can't right now since I don't have a babysitter and he won't take a bottle.
However, I know that this is all just a phase and it will go more quickly than I want it to. Having Elias was absolutely the best thing that we almost didn't do. As happens with each child, I can't imagine our family without him anymore!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
race and elementary school
A curious development has happened in the first few months of Kindergarten -- Ben seemingly has joined a group of friends (about 3 other boys) and they're all ASIAN!!! This is interesting to me, as my son has joined what I call the "racial clumping" phenomenon (I'm sure there's a more sociologically correct term), where kids tend to hang out with their own race. His class seems to be about 30-35% white/black/asian and 5-10% latino.
This isn't surprising, generally. Kids tend to stick to the familiar and similar cultures and appearance breeds familiarity, so this doesn't surprise me for most children. HOWEVER, my child has the following working against this mentality:
-He is of mixed race
-We live in a mostly African-American community
-His entire extended family is white
-He has never spent extended time with 100% Asian kids -- they've all been white/Asian mix, white, or black
-I am not culturally Korean -- the most Korean we get is his white father eating kimchee
So what would cause him to be in the "Asian boy" group? Is it because these boys grouped together naturally (I'm assuming they all have culturally Asian parents -- I believe they are all Chinese, based on their last names)? Did they know each other in advance? Did they see my son and accept him into their group based on his looks? It seems that Ben befriended a boy early on and then they all started hanging out together somehow. Since I'm not there, I don't know the ins and outs of it -- I'm just extrapolating from the little he's told me and what I've been able to observe.
I also realize that very little of this matters to children -- it's not in their consciousness. Maybe in their subconscious they are choosing their friends based on race, but it's not their primary motivator. I remember an incident when I was in elementary school when a Jewish kid called me "flat face" and I called him "big nose" -- we weren't being racist, we were just insulting each other based on our observations. I had no idea he was Jewish until I was much older! I actually didn't have a conception of race until I was in middle school. I knew I looked different than my parents, but I wasn't able to process why/how I was different besides the fact that I was born in a different country.
No matter what their race, I am so glad that my son has found friends so quickly at this school -- it's an answer to prayer for me!
This isn't surprising, generally. Kids tend to stick to the familiar and similar cultures and appearance breeds familiarity, so this doesn't surprise me for most children. HOWEVER, my child has the following working against this mentality:
-He is of mixed race
-We live in a mostly African-American community
-His entire extended family is white
-He has never spent extended time with 100% Asian kids -- they've all been white/Asian mix, white, or black
-I am not culturally Korean -- the most Korean we get is his white father eating kimchee
So what would cause him to be in the "Asian boy" group? Is it because these boys grouped together naturally (I'm assuming they all have culturally Asian parents -- I believe they are all Chinese, based on their last names)? Did they know each other in advance? Did they see my son and accept him into their group based on his looks? It seems that Ben befriended a boy early on and then they all started hanging out together somehow. Since I'm not there, I don't know the ins and outs of it -- I'm just extrapolating from the little he's told me and what I've been able to observe.
I also realize that very little of this matters to children -- it's not in their consciousness. Maybe in their subconscious they are choosing their friends based on race, but it's not their primary motivator. I remember an incident when I was in elementary school when a Jewish kid called me "flat face" and I called him "big nose" -- we weren't being racist, we were just insulting each other based on our observations. I had no idea he was Jewish until I was much older! I actually didn't have a conception of race until I was in middle school. I knew I looked different than my parents, but I wasn't able to process why/how I was different besides the fact that I was born in a different country.
No matter what their race, I am so glad that my son has found friends so quickly at this school -- it's an answer to prayer for me!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
perfection & Laurie Berkner
Before Chris & I were engaged, we went through pre-engagement counseling (which I would recommend for anyone who is thinking about marrying someone -- do it before a ring is bought and deposits are put down). One thing that has stuck with me 10 years later is our counselor telling me that if I continue to be so hard on myself, that is going to extend to Chris and any future children we have. I have thought about that statement on and off and am realizing how true it is.
I know that I am by no means perfect and I'm not even really a perfectionist. And I don't believe that I demand perfection from my husband or kids. But I do find myself sometimes thinking that they should be better than they are (and I often think about myself in those terms as well) and I'm especially guilty of thinking my kids should be able to do more than they actually can at their age. I think partly it's because the oldest two started talking so early and have always shown themselves to be fairly intelligent (though I am their mom, so I'm biased).
We have lately been obsessed with Laurie Berkner around these parts, Caroline in particular (I also admit to really loving her music too!). There's a song called "I"m Not Perfect" that almost brought my to tears when I first heard it. It's not even 2 minutes long -- take a listen:
lyrics
You know what? I don't want perfect kids. I love my kids just the way they are -- and they love me, flaws and all. They do their best, and I do my best. And it's okay. This also extends to God's relationship with us -- while He is perfect, He doesn't expect us to be and knows that we're going to screw up all of the time, and yet He loves us anyhow. It's great to find wisdom in unexpected places, like driving in a car listening to children's music :)
I know that I am by no means perfect and I'm not even really a perfectionist. And I don't believe that I demand perfection from my husband or kids. But I do find myself sometimes thinking that they should be better than they are (and I often think about myself in those terms as well) and I'm especially guilty of thinking my kids should be able to do more than they actually can at their age. I think partly it's because the oldest two started talking so early and have always shown themselves to be fairly intelligent (though I am their mom, so I'm biased).
We have lately been obsessed with Laurie Berkner around these parts, Caroline in particular (I also admit to really loving her music too!). There's a song called "I"m Not Perfect" that almost brought my to tears when I first heard it. It's not even 2 minutes long -- take a listen:
lyrics
You know what? I don't want perfect kids. I love my kids just the way they are -- and they love me, flaws and all. They do their best, and I do my best. And it's okay. This also extends to God's relationship with us -- while He is perfect, He doesn't expect us to be and knows that we're going to screw up all of the time, and yet He loves us anyhow. It's great to find wisdom in unexpected places, like driving in a car listening to children's music :)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Kindergarten Update
We are beginning Week 4 of Kindergarten today. Thank you Chicago Public Schools -- in the 3 weeks that we've had so far, we've only had 1 full week, and actually, while this is a full week, he has a day off the following week. Looking at the CPS calendar (we are "Regular Track"), Chris & I are continually in amazement how many days he gets off -- he has 6 days off in November!
So far, it's been going okay. I really like his teacher. She's really communicative with parents and seems to be on top of things. The first few weeks have centered around forming letters, both upper and lowercase, as well as beginning to get into their reading and math groups. We've had 2 meltdowns at school where he wasn't able to write his name -- he's fine writing it all uppercase, but has balked at lowercase and we haven't forced him. But, in the first week of school, she wanted them to write their full name (copying it off of their name tag) and he freaked out! The second meltdown was 2 weeks later because he wasn't at his name tag and couldn't spell his last name by memory.
The hardest adjustment for us all is just understanding the routine. Everything is brand new to us and it is hard for me as a mom to not be able to provide any guidance to Ben because I don't know how things work either. For example, Chris is dropping Ben off in the mornings on his way to work, but school doesn't start until 9:15 am and he has to be at work by 9, so he drops him off around 8:45. All of the children (K-8) who get there before school starts are kept in the cafeteria where they are then called out grade by grade to go to their classrooms.
Imagine being a 5 year old in a cafeteria with hundreds of other children where you don't know anyone, don't know what you're supposed to be doing or when you're leaving. Yeah, stressful. Chris left him the first day and called me later and told me that he was glad that I didn't have to do it because I probably couldn't have come away from the experience unscathed. Ben didn't cry, but the kid across the table was. Unfortunately, he ended up getting lost when they called his grade to leave :( The next day, when Chris dropped him off, he was crying and he Chris stayed with him until it was time for him to go to his classroom, which was good because then Chris could understand the process and he could drop him off in the optimal place for Ben to be able to hear when his grade is called.
The amount of homework has been excessive for a Kindergartner, in my opinion. His school is a Classical school, which in this case means that they are working a grade level ahead, and I believe it. He daily has at least 30 minutes of homework, which includes handwriting practice, math, and reading. In addition, he is supposed to be doing 15 mins of reading each day (we don't), and learning his sight words. This makes our after school routine somewhat cramped as we get home around 3:20, get a snack, put the baby down for a nap, do homework until about 4:15 and then have about 30 mins of downtime until I am making dinner, eating, bath and then starting the bedtime routine at 7:15. Part of the problem is that CPS has the shortest day in the country -- his runs from 9:15 - 2:50, which is 5 hours, 35 minutes. The short day, combined with the large number of days they get off make the work they do at home that much more.
There's a big debate on how to extend the day raging in Chicago right now. I'm for a longer day, but I sincerely hope that some of the homework they send home right now would actually be done in class instead of at home. Some days I feel like I'm homeschooling him!
Though honestly, I'm not complaining about it. I'm happy with the way he is progressing and his attitude has been amazing. He is so-so about whether or not he likes school (or so he tells me), but he's making friends and not complaining about having to do his homework, even telling me he'd like to do it. He has definitely been ready for the challenge academically. I want to make sure he gets downtime in and not push him so hard so young. I was talking to my friend whose son is in a good neighborhood school and their homework is currently drawing pictures for about 5 minutes. She makes the good point that how can kids who come from neighborhood schools compete with kids from Gifted/Classical schools when the level of work is so disparate?
I have three opposing forces working within me when I think about all of this. One is upset that I am unable to homeschool my son to spare him of all of the initial anxiety of having to learn new routines and being with him when he doesn't know how to do things like write his name in upper and lowercase letters. However, I know that it would never work for us. I remember asking a homeschooling friend what she does when her son says "No!" when she asks him to do something. She told me that her son very rarely does that and basically does what she asks him to do. This would most certainly NOT be my experience with Ben. He would fight me 80% of the time, particularly when we were working on things that didn't come easily to him (i.e., anything but math).
The other force is the suck-it-up force. Both of my parents worked full-time. I was in daycare from the time I was 2 years old. I went to before school care, after school care, etc. I got teased by older children for being Korean at one of my daycares. I had to learn new routines whenever we switched daycares (which we did after I was getting teased continuously). As a result, I was very independent from a young age. Maybe it's good for him to struggle and figure out things on his own. Still, as a mom, it's hard to watch your kid struggle even if it might be good for him.
The third force is the trust God force, that we are in this school for a purpose and to make the best of it. For the first time, Ben is making friends independent of me and we have an opportunity to be lights for Christ in this school. We told Ben that some people might not know who God is at this school and he said "EVERYONE knows who God is!" and we told him no, that's not necessarily true.
We finally do feel this week that we're starting to get a better handle on things and getting more comfortable with the school and our new routine... just in time for me to start stressing over getting Caroline into Skinner!
So far, it's been going okay. I really like his teacher. She's really communicative with parents and seems to be on top of things. The first few weeks have centered around forming letters, both upper and lowercase, as well as beginning to get into their reading and math groups. We've had 2 meltdowns at school where he wasn't able to write his name -- he's fine writing it all uppercase, but has balked at lowercase and we haven't forced him. But, in the first week of school, she wanted them to write their full name (copying it off of their name tag) and he freaked out! The second meltdown was 2 weeks later because he wasn't at his name tag and couldn't spell his last name by memory.
The hardest adjustment for us all is just understanding the routine. Everything is brand new to us and it is hard for me as a mom to not be able to provide any guidance to Ben because I don't know how things work either. For example, Chris is dropping Ben off in the mornings on his way to work, but school doesn't start until 9:15 am and he has to be at work by 9, so he drops him off around 8:45. All of the children (K-8) who get there before school starts are kept in the cafeteria where they are then called out grade by grade to go to their classrooms.
Imagine being a 5 year old in a cafeteria with hundreds of other children where you don't know anyone, don't know what you're supposed to be doing or when you're leaving. Yeah, stressful. Chris left him the first day and called me later and told me that he was glad that I didn't have to do it because I probably couldn't have come away from the experience unscathed. Ben didn't cry, but the kid across the table was. Unfortunately, he ended up getting lost when they called his grade to leave :( The next day, when Chris dropped him off, he was crying and he Chris stayed with him until it was time for him to go to his classroom, which was good because then Chris could understand the process and he could drop him off in the optimal place for Ben to be able to hear when his grade is called.
The amount of homework has been excessive for a Kindergartner, in my opinion. His school is a Classical school, which in this case means that they are working a grade level ahead, and I believe it. He daily has at least 30 minutes of homework, which includes handwriting practice, math, and reading. In addition, he is supposed to be doing 15 mins of reading each day (we don't), and learning his sight words. This makes our after school routine somewhat cramped as we get home around 3:20, get a snack, put the baby down for a nap, do homework until about 4:15 and then have about 30 mins of downtime until I am making dinner, eating, bath and then starting the bedtime routine at 7:15. Part of the problem is that CPS has the shortest day in the country -- his runs from 9:15 - 2:50, which is 5 hours, 35 minutes. The short day, combined with the large number of days they get off make the work they do at home that much more.
There's a big debate on how to extend the day raging in Chicago right now. I'm for a longer day, but I sincerely hope that some of the homework they send home right now would actually be done in class instead of at home. Some days I feel like I'm homeschooling him!
Though honestly, I'm not complaining about it. I'm happy with the way he is progressing and his attitude has been amazing. He is so-so about whether or not he likes school (or so he tells me), but he's making friends and not complaining about having to do his homework, even telling me he'd like to do it. He has definitely been ready for the challenge academically. I want to make sure he gets downtime in and not push him so hard so young. I was talking to my friend whose son is in a good neighborhood school and their homework is currently drawing pictures for about 5 minutes. She makes the good point that how can kids who come from neighborhood schools compete with kids from Gifted/Classical schools when the level of work is so disparate?
I have three opposing forces working within me when I think about all of this. One is upset that I am unable to homeschool my son to spare him of all of the initial anxiety of having to learn new routines and being with him when he doesn't know how to do things like write his name in upper and lowercase letters. However, I know that it would never work for us. I remember asking a homeschooling friend what she does when her son says "No!" when she asks him to do something. She told me that her son very rarely does that and basically does what she asks him to do. This would most certainly NOT be my experience with Ben. He would fight me 80% of the time, particularly when we were working on things that didn't come easily to him (i.e., anything but math).
The other force is the suck-it-up force. Both of my parents worked full-time. I was in daycare from the time I was 2 years old. I went to before school care, after school care, etc. I got teased by older children for being Korean at one of my daycares. I had to learn new routines whenever we switched daycares (which we did after I was getting teased continuously). As a result, I was very independent from a young age. Maybe it's good for him to struggle and figure out things on his own. Still, as a mom, it's hard to watch your kid struggle even if it might be good for him.
The third force is the trust God force, that we are in this school for a purpose and to make the best of it. For the first time, Ben is making friends independent of me and we have an opportunity to be lights for Christ in this school. We told Ben that some people might not know who God is at this school and he said "EVERYONE knows who God is!" and we told him no, that's not necessarily true.
We finally do feel this week that we're starting to get a better handle on things and getting more comfortable with the school and our new routine... just in time for me to start stressing over getting Caroline into Skinner!
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Reflections on 9/11
My memories of 9/11 are different than the vast majority of the rest of the country -- I was in the capital of Zimbabwe, Harare, on a short-term missions trip. Even after 10 years, it's difficult for me to process the events of that time because my trip so radically changed from what it was supposed to be to what it turned into.
On 9/11, we were just getting back to our rooms after spending the day out talking to people. I remember getting a knock on my door from my team leader around 3 pm, telling me that his wife just called and told him that a plane hit the World Trade Center. At the time, we didn't know if it was a small plane, if it was an accident or what. We turned on CNN in our rooms and saw the scope of what had actually happened. As we watched, we saw the 2nd plane hit the other tower. I remember distinctly my team leader saying that he was sure that Osama bin Laden was involved somehow. He was in Kenya when the American Embassy was bombed, so he was versed in the Islamic extremist movement.
My first thoughts were towards my friend Emily who was at school at NYU. She was the only person that I knew was in NYC at the time. Any internet connection was impossibly slow at that point because it was (1) 10 years ago and (2) I was in a developing country. I was able to get off an email to make sure that she was okay and also to my almost-boyfriend (now husband) who worked in downtown Chicago. He said that everything was fine there and that they were sent home early.
The rest of that day was a blur. Our team went out to dinner and the restaurant had the coverage playing over and over. We ate our meal and talked, incredulously, that something like this could have happened. When we heard that all flights had been grounded, we wondered how we were going to get home.
The Zimbabwean people were so gracious to us -- they would ask us if we were Americans and then extend their condolences. Everyone seemed to be in shock over this, not just us.
I finally got a line out to call my mom a few days later. As it turned out, she was actually in New York City for work on 9/11 and had a meeting scheduled for 9 am in a building directly across from the World Trade Center. The meeting got postponed to noon that day, so she was still in her hotel when the planes hit. She described the scene as apocolyptic as everyone evacuated Manhattan covered in soot and ash. She was so upset and was sobbing as she worried about me. I told her "Mom!! I'm in Zimbabwe!! You were in New York City!! I'm WAY safer than you are right now!"
We were scheduled to come home on September 20th and we were still worried about how we were going to get home since all flights in the US continued to be grounded. I was thinking that instead of my Harare -> London -> Chicago route that I might have to fly into Toronto and have my parents pick me up from there and then take the bus or train to Chicago. As it turns out, we were able to leave Harare on time (and boy, was I sweating bullets boarding that plane) and land in London Heathrow. Heathrow was a DISASTER -- since all of the airlines were feeling out the new world post-9/11, they decided that they were no longer going to transfer luggage and were making everyone claim their luggage and then re-check it in! You can imagine what the lines were like. I had to wait in a heated tent (and it was COLD and rainy in London in mid-September) for hours to even get into the airport to check my luggage in! My flight was delayed for hours due to the backlog.
I finally got into Chicago and was so thankful to finally be home and back with my countrymen, but it felt very much like I missed a collective national experience. Even though CNN was available in Zimbabwe, we weren't able to watch it all of the time. We didn't get any of the US network channels and no US print media. In retrospect, I'm glad that I did because the constant rehashing of it is difficult to watch, even 10 years ago, much less 2 or 3 days after. But I do feel like I missed much of the national spirit of unity that many people talk about in the days after.
In the intervening 10 years between then and now, I've gotten married, had 3 children, put my career on hold to raise those children, bought a house, and accumulated many more friends. There are times when I fear for my husband, commuting to downtown Chicago for work every day. But, in reality, the chances of him being the victim of a terror attack is slim to none. I am raising my children in a post-9/11 world, which doesn't mean a lot in our day-to-day lives, but I'm reminded of it when I watch the news or when we fly and all of the hoops that we have to jump through now. Does anyone else remember when we could show our driver's license, put our carry-on bags (with full-sized bottles of shampoo and contact solution!) on the conveyor belt and walk through security with our shoes on? And when we could go to the gate and meet our loved ones as they disembarked?
All of this is so minor compared to what so many people lost on that day -- husbands, fathers, wives, mothers, sisters, brothers. I cannot imagine the horror of knowing that your spouse went to work and then watching those images on tv, always wondering if they were killed instantly or were one of the ones who jumped or were killed when the towers fell. Looking at your young children and realizing that they will grow up without a father. It's heartbreaking.
I'm thankful to all of the first responders out there -- firefighters, police officers, and EMTs. What a difficult job you have. And despite my occasional cynicism and confusion about the US military, I'm thankful for them for protecting our country!
On 9/11, we were just getting back to our rooms after spending the day out talking to people. I remember getting a knock on my door from my team leader around 3 pm, telling me that his wife just called and told him that a plane hit the World Trade Center. At the time, we didn't know if it was a small plane, if it was an accident or what. We turned on CNN in our rooms and saw the scope of what had actually happened. As we watched, we saw the 2nd plane hit the other tower. I remember distinctly my team leader saying that he was sure that Osama bin Laden was involved somehow. He was in Kenya when the American Embassy was bombed, so he was versed in the Islamic extremist movement.
My first thoughts were towards my friend Emily who was at school at NYU. She was the only person that I knew was in NYC at the time. Any internet connection was impossibly slow at that point because it was (1) 10 years ago and (2) I was in a developing country. I was able to get off an email to make sure that she was okay and also to my almost-boyfriend (now husband) who worked in downtown Chicago. He said that everything was fine there and that they were sent home early.
The rest of that day was a blur. Our team went out to dinner and the restaurant had the coverage playing over and over. We ate our meal and talked, incredulously, that something like this could have happened. When we heard that all flights had been grounded, we wondered how we were going to get home.
The Zimbabwean people were so gracious to us -- they would ask us if we were Americans and then extend their condolences. Everyone seemed to be in shock over this, not just us.
I finally got a line out to call my mom a few days later. As it turned out, she was actually in New York City for work on 9/11 and had a meeting scheduled for 9 am in a building directly across from the World Trade Center. The meeting got postponed to noon that day, so she was still in her hotel when the planes hit. She described the scene as apocolyptic as everyone evacuated Manhattan covered in soot and ash. She was so upset and was sobbing as she worried about me. I told her "Mom!! I'm in Zimbabwe!! You were in New York City!! I'm WAY safer than you are right now!"
We were scheduled to come home on September 20th and we were still worried about how we were going to get home since all flights in the US continued to be grounded. I was thinking that instead of my Harare -> London -> Chicago route that I might have to fly into Toronto and have my parents pick me up from there and then take the bus or train to Chicago. As it turns out, we were able to leave Harare on time (and boy, was I sweating bullets boarding that plane) and land in London Heathrow. Heathrow was a DISASTER -- since all of the airlines were feeling out the new world post-9/11, they decided that they were no longer going to transfer luggage and were making everyone claim their luggage and then re-check it in! You can imagine what the lines were like. I had to wait in a heated tent (and it was COLD and rainy in London in mid-September) for hours to even get into the airport to check my luggage in! My flight was delayed for hours due to the backlog.
I finally got into Chicago and was so thankful to finally be home and back with my countrymen, but it felt very much like I missed a collective national experience. Even though CNN was available in Zimbabwe, we weren't able to watch it all of the time. We didn't get any of the US network channels and no US print media. In retrospect, I'm glad that I did because the constant rehashing of it is difficult to watch, even 10 years ago, much less 2 or 3 days after. But I do feel like I missed much of the national spirit of unity that many people talk about in the days after.
In the intervening 10 years between then and now, I've gotten married, had 3 children, put my career on hold to raise those children, bought a house, and accumulated many more friends. There are times when I fear for my husband, commuting to downtown Chicago for work every day. But, in reality, the chances of him being the victim of a terror attack is slim to none. I am raising my children in a post-9/11 world, which doesn't mean a lot in our day-to-day lives, but I'm reminded of it when I watch the news or when we fly and all of the hoops that we have to jump through now. Does anyone else remember when we could show our driver's license, put our carry-on bags (with full-sized bottles of shampoo and contact solution!) on the conveyor belt and walk through security with our shoes on? And when we could go to the gate and meet our loved ones as they disembarked?
All of this is so minor compared to what so many people lost on that day -- husbands, fathers, wives, mothers, sisters, brothers. I cannot imagine the horror of knowing that your spouse went to work and then watching those images on tv, always wondering if they were killed instantly or were one of the ones who jumped or were killed when the towers fell. Looking at your young children and realizing that they will grow up without a father. It's heartbreaking.
I'm thankful to all of the first responders out there -- firefighters, police officers, and EMTs. What a difficult job you have. And despite my occasional cynicism and confusion about the US military, I'm thankful for them for protecting our country!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
'twas the night before the night before Kindergarten
Ben starts Kindergarten in 2 days. He and I are both ready and not ready for this event. Academically, he's definitely ready. Physically, I'm ready for him to go. This has been an exhausting summer for me, having 3 kids at home all day long and not getting much sleep at night. Emotionally, neither of us are ready. He's going into a brand new environment -- we don't know a soul at this school! And that's anxiety-producing for both of us. He's told me a few times that he's nervous about it, which is expected and natural. I'm nervous too! the good thing is that none of the other kids know each other either (or if they do, it's a fluke thing) since kids from all over the city come to this school, so they're all in the same boat and it's not like he's coming into a place with already established friendships.
Of course, I worry about him socially. The thought of my little boy sitting all by himself at the lunch table or wandering on the playground alone is enough to make my sleep-deprived postpartum hormonal self start tearing up. Rationally, I know that he'll be okay. I am praying that he'll find a friend quickly so that going to school will be a little easier for him.
Academically, he'll do fabulously, though I think getting into the routine of doing daily homework will be challenging. He is working 1 grade level ahead at his school and I'm anticipating that the reading will be difficult for him. He's expected to read 40 books by June. 20 of those books we just have to record what he read and the date he read them, but for the other 20 he will have to write a book report (which can be dictated to us).
We had an Open House last Thursday where he got to see his classroom, his teacher, and most of the students. I like his teacher a lot. She's the only teacher in the school who gets the kids outside every day for recess and she really believes in the educating through play. Skinner is a really academic school, so I'm glad that he will have a gradual entry into the rigors of the academia. His teacher is also from Michigan, which makes me like her even more! :)
I personally loved school. I so hope that will be his experience too!
*for a recap of our CPS journey, click here for part 1 and here for part 2.
Of course, I worry about him socially. The thought of my little boy sitting all by himself at the lunch table or wandering on the playground alone is enough to make my sleep-deprived postpartum hormonal self start tearing up. Rationally, I know that he'll be okay. I am praying that he'll find a friend quickly so that going to school will be a little easier for him.
Academically, he'll do fabulously, though I think getting into the routine of doing daily homework will be challenging. He is working 1 grade level ahead at his school and I'm anticipating that the reading will be difficult for him. He's expected to read 40 books by June. 20 of those books we just have to record what he read and the date he read them, but for the other 20 he will have to write a book report (which can be dictated to us).
We had an Open House last Thursday where he got to see his classroom, his teacher, and most of the students. I like his teacher a lot. She's the only teacher in the school who gets the kids outside every day for recess and she really believes in the educating through play. Skinner is a really academic school, so I'm glad that he will have a gradual entry into the rigors of the academia. His teacher is also from Michigan, which makes me like her even more! :)
I personally loved school. I so hope that will be his experience too!
*for a recap of our CPS journey, click here for part 1 and here for part 2.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
bible memory
One of the things that we started this summer was bible memorization as a family. We decided that, since Ben is going to public school, that we need to be a whole lot more intentional about teaching Ben about our faith. Had we sent him to the private Christian school, that would have been part of the curriculum. Plus, bible memorization is not my forte, so I was looking forward to learning them as well.
We purchased the Foundation Verse Pack from John Piper's website. I like that there's a picture on one side and a verse on the other, so if they see the picture, they can recall what the verse is about. However, I was a little hesitant about it before we started. See, Ben and I can be like oil and water sometimes, particularly when I am trying to teach him something, so I was thinking that he'd fight me tooth and nail in trying to get us to memorize these verses. And I was also a little worried that Caroline was a little too young for it. However, she is excellent at memorizing song lyrics and we have a CD with bible verses set to music and she knows those, so I had hope that she'd be able to do at least a few.
Well, it has exceeded my expectations! I have been so surprised and delighted that my children genuinely like the challenge of memorizing the verses and are so proud of themselves after they do it! I sometimes have to give them a little nudge with the beginning of the verse or the reference (particularly Caroline). They have memorized (in order):
-Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"
-Matthew 6:24 "No one can serve two masters"
-Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding"
-Psalm 1:6 "The LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked shall perish"
-Isaiah 30:15 "In quietness and in trust shall be your strength"
Do they understand what they all mean? Not really, except perhaps for Genesis 1:1. But will these verses be accessible to them for probably the rest of their life? Hopefully! It showed me too how I've underestimated what my kids are capable of.
*In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that I do sometimes reward them with candy if they recite their verses to me, which made the eagerness quotient much higher than it otherwise would have been :) However, they will recite them all and not expect candy these days!
We purchased the Foundation Verse Pack from John Piper's website. I like that there's a picture on one side and a verse on the other, so if they see the picture, they can recall what the verse is about. However, I was a little hesitant about it before we started. See, Ben and I can be like oil and water sometimes, particularly when I am trying to teach him something, so I was thinking that he'd fight me tooth and nail in trying to get us to memorize these verses. And I was also a little worried that Caroline was a little too young for it. However, she is excellent at memorizing song lyrics and we have a CD with bible verses set to music and she knows those, so I had hope that she'd be able to do at least a few.
Well, it has exceeded my expectations! I have been so surprised and delighted that my children genuinely like the challenge of memorizing the verses and are so proud of themselves after they do it! I sometimes have to give them a little nudge with the beginning of the verse or the reference (particularly Caroline). They have memorized (in order):
-Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth"
-Matthew 6:24 "No one can serve two masters"
-Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding"
-Psalm 1:6 "The LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked shall perish"
-Isaiah 30:15 "In quietness and in trust shall be your strength"
Do they understand what they all mean? Not really, except perhaps for Genesis 1:1. But will these verses be accessible to them for probably the rest of their life? Hopefully! It showed me too how I've underestimated what my kids are capable of.
*In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that I do sometimes reward them with candy if they recite their verses to me, which made the eagerness quotient much higher than it otherwise would have been :) However, they will recite them all and not expect candy these days!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
summer fruit
Unfortunately it's been 3 months since I've last updated this blog! I literally have about 15 minutes all to myself each day these days with 3 needy kids at home all day long. This summer has been filled to the brim, it's hard to believe it's already August 24th! A truism about stay-at-home motherhood is that the years fly by but the days drag on... which is very much how this summer has felt. So much has happened this summer! In no particular order:
1. My little Elias just turned 4 months old!
I love this baby. He's so sweet and cuddly. He hates car rides (which is unfortunate as we're taking a loooong one on Friday) and cannot soothe himself (he wants either Chris or my finger in his mouth to suck on -- will not take a pacifier, or if he does, he will spit it out and then cry). He's still up 3x per night (boo) but will go right back to sleep once he nurses. He loves to give kisses, watch his older brother, and be scared.
2. We had a cataclysmic hail storm.
It totaled our car.
So, I joined the minivan set.
After all was said and done with insurance, we paid about $50 for our minivan. We totaled a 2008 Mazda5 with 45,000 miles on it and got a 2006 Toyota Sienna with 46,000 miles on it. I was feeling okay about keeping the Mazda, even though our family was outgrowing it. It's a fabulous car for 2 kids, pretty tight with three, particularly with car seats, and there is very little storage room. I am totally thrilled with our minivan!!
3. Death in the family
Our church is like family to us. Our family is 4-6 hours away, so having strong relationships at church is critical to us. One of the pillars of our church passed away at the end of June after a long battle with cancer. It was not unexpected, but the speed with which she declined was surprising to us all.
4. Vacation(s)
In July, my parents watched our older 2 kids while Chris, Elias & I went to the Washington DC area. We visited friends and enjoyed having a child that doesn't yet talk :) Chris stayed for a training conference while Elias and I flew back to Michigan.
A few weeks later, the 5 of us headed up to the Wisconsin Dells for our annual week vacation. Ben has proclaimed this the only vacation spot that he will accept. A few weeks after we went to Orlando in February, he asked me "When are we going on vacation?" and I told him we just went on a big vacation and he told me "No, I mean our REAL vacation!!" meaning the Dells! We have stayed at the exact same resort for the past 3 years. He looks forward to this week all year. We had a really nice time, though the theme of this summer for me has been sleep-deprivation and that did not change just because we were on vacation. It was nice to get out of the city though and the kids had so much fun.
5. Deck
Chris's brother and his family came up a few weeks ago and built us a deck!
It's going to be so nice to have usable space in our backyard -- our yard is really rocky and our deck was really small, so it's nice to have a space where we can eat outside and the kids can play! We also have plans to build a patio off of the deck for even more space.
Will try to update more once the kids are back in school. Ben starts Kindergarten in 2 weeks!!
1. My little Elias just turned 4 months old!
I love this baby. He's so sweet and cuddly. He hates car rides (which is unfortunate as we're taking a loooong one on Friday) and cannot soothe himself (he wants either Chris or my finger in his mouth to suck on -- will not take a pacifier, or if he does, he will spit it out and then cry). He's still up 3x per night (boo) but will go right back to sleep once he nurses. He loves to give kisses, watch his older brother, and be scared.
2. We had a cataclysmic hail storm.
It totaled our car.
So, I joined the minivan set.
After all was said and done with insurance, we paid about $50 for our minivan. We totaled a 2008 Mazda5 with 45,000 miles on it and got a 2006 Toyota Sienna with 46,000 miles on it. I was feeling okay about keeping the Mazda, even though our family was outgrowing it. It's a fabulous car for 2 kids, pretty tight with three, particularly with car seats, and there is very little storage room. I am totally thrilled with our minivan!!
3. Death in the family
Our church is like family to us. Our family is 4-6 hours away, so having strong relationships at church is critical to us. One of the pillars of our church passed away at the end of June after a long battle with cancer. It was not unexpected, but the speed with which she declined was surprising to us all.
4. Vacation(s)
In July, my parents watched our older 2 kids while Chris, Elias & I went to the Washington DC area. We visited friends and enjoyed having a child that doesn't yet talk :) Chris stayed for a training conference while Elias and I flew back to Michigan.
A few weeks later, the 5 of us headed up to the Wisconsin Dells for our annual week vacation. Ben has proclaimed this the only vacation spot that he will accept. A few weeks after we went to Orlando in February, he asked me "When are we going on vacation?" and I told him we just went on a big vacation and he told me "No, I mean our REAL vacation!!" meaning the Dells! We have stayed at the exact same resort for the past 3 years. He looks forward to this week all year. We had a really nice time, though the theme of this summer for me has been sleep-deprivation and that did not change just because we were on vacation. It was nice to get out of the city though and the kids had so much fun.
5. Deck
Chris's brother and his family came up a few weeks ago and built us a deck!
It's going to be so nice to have usable space in our backyard -- our yard is really rocky and our deck was really small, so it's nice to have a space where we can eat outside and the kids can play! We also have plans to build a patio off of the deck for even more space.
Will try to update more once the kids are back in school. Ben starts Kindergarten in 2 weeks!!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
my worst personality trait
So, we had our third baby a month ago! We are so thrilled with our little Elias, particularly his big sister, who told my husband that she was mad at me for having a boy when she first heard the news, but as soon as she held him in the hospital, it was love :)
He has been a pretty typical, textbook baby. With my oldest son, it felt like nothing worked with him to get him to calm down. With my daughter, everything worked. She was hardly ever fussy and slept through the night at 8 weeks old, whereas Ben was up every hour or two from weeks 3-12. With Elias, he seems to cry when something is wrong (tired, hungry, gassy), but as soon as you fix it, he's fine.
Something that I've known for a long time about myself but have not known how to fix it is my propensity to not want to be in the moment. I've always looked to the next thing, even as a child. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be an adult and have responsibilities and freedom (I am the child who asked her first grade teacher if there was going to be any homework -- I was so ready to pretend like I was a "big kid"!). When I was in college, I couldn't wait to leave Ann Arbor and be on my own (and oh, how I miss college life some days!!). When I was on my own, I couldn't wait to get married, when I was married, I couldn't wait to have kids. And now I'm at the married-with-kids point with nothing more to "look forward to" (well, except grandkids) and being in this stage of life for awhile. Looking back, I wish that I would have enjoyed each stage I was in more than I did. Ah, youth is wasted on the young...
Recently, God has shown me how quickly my kids are growing and how I'm going to miss it if I continue in the patterns that I have developed over my lifetime. For all of the sleeplessness, fighting, correction that is my life right now, I absolutely know that I'm going to miss this stage of life in 10, 15, 20 years. And I want to appreciate it, I want to enjoy the precious days left that I have with my children being at home. To enjoy how cute they are with their mispronunciations, their freedom to dance and sing, their joyfulness, their desire for affection and attention. These things are not going to last forever! Having Elias has only punctuated this feeling of holding onto this time while they're little -- he's 1 month old and has already changed so much since he was born. I don't want to wish this time away, I want to bottle it up and have it tucked away in the recesses of my heart. Yes, I am excited to sleep through the night again. But with the sleeping through the night comes a less cuddly, more active baby. And since Elias is more likely than not my last newborn, I am savoring this time with him.
All of this has made me more patient and more loving towards my children. I'm sad that it's taken my 5 1/2 years to figure this out, but better late than never...
Something that my excellent friend Colleen sent me has also helped me a lot. I've printed this out and put it on my fridge:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/10-points-of-joyful-parenting-printable/
This has just reinforced the things that God has been teaching me lately -- and it could not come at a better time as I could easily be driven crazy with a newborn in the house, sleep-deprivation and my kids on summer break from preschool :)
He has been a pretty typical, textbook baby. With my oldest son, it felt like nothing worked with him to get him to calm down. With my daughter, everything worked. She was hardly ever fussy and slept through the night at 8 weeks old, whereas Ben was up every hour or two from weeks 3-12. With Elias, he seems to cry when something is wrong (tired, hungry, gassy), but as soon as you fix it, he's fine.
Something that I've known for a long time about myself but have not known how to fix it is my propensity to not want to be in the moment. I've always looked to the next thing, even as a child. When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to be an adult and have responsibilities and freedom (I am the child who asked her first grade teacher if there was going to be any homework -- I was so ready to pretend like I was a "big kid"!). When I was in college, I couldn't wait to leave Ann Arbor and be on my own (and oh, how I miss college life some days!!). When I was on my own, I couldn't wait to get married, when I was married, I couldn't wait to have kids. And now I'm at the married-with-kids point with nothing more to "look forward to" (well, except grandkids) and being in this stage of life for awhile. Looking back, I wish that I would have enjoyed each stage I was in more than I did. Ah, youth is wasted on the young...
Recently, God has shown me how quickly my kids are growing and how I'm going to miss it if I continue in the patterns that I have developed over my lifetime. For all of the sleeplessness, fighting, correction that is my life right now, I absolutely know that I'm going to miss this stage of life in 10, 15, 20 years. And I want to appreciate it, I want to enjoy the precious days left that I have with my children being at home. To enjoy how cute they are with their mispronunciations, their freedom to dance and sing, their joyfulness, their desire for affection and attention. These things are not going to last forever! Having Elias has only punctuated this feeling of holding onto this time while they're little -- he's 1 month old and has already changed so much since he was born. I don't want to wish this time away, I want to bottle it up and have it tucked away in the recesses of my heart. Yes, I am excited to sleep through the night again. But with the sleeping through the night comes a less cuddly, more active baby. And since Elias is more likely than not my last newborn, I am savoring this time with him.
All of this has made me more patient and more loving towards my children. I'm sad that it's taken my 5 1/2 years to figure this out, but better late than never...
Something that my excellent friend Colleen sent me has also helped me a lot. I've printed this out and put it on my fridge:
http://www.aholyexperience.com/10-points-of-joyful-parenting-printable/
This has just reinforced the things that God has been teaching me lately -- and it could not come at a better time as I could easily be driven crazy with a newborn in the house, sleep-deprivation and my kids on summer break from preschool :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
our CPS odyssey, part 2
We finally got our letter and found out that Ben got into Skinner West, a classical school. We unfortunately were not thrilled with Skinner when we went to visit their Open House in the fall, the only one they had. The gym was standing room only with parents. No one from the administration came to talk to us. Parents of current students who couldn't answer any questions led us around the building. It was very disorganized and discouraged us, despite the brand new building and its sparkling test scores (ranked #18 elementary school in the state).
Skinner West had another Open House for parents of students who were admitted. We were a little surprised to see how many asian parents were there, particularly first generation asian parents. The school is about 50% african-american, 25% asian-american, 20% caucasian and 5% latino. This, compared to the overall CPS statistics of 9.2% caucasian, 45.1% african-american, 3.6% asian, and 41.9% latino (source: Racial Ethnic Surveys).
Further, it was interesting to drill deeper into this data (if you click on one of the links, an Excel document will download with several different tabs) and see that, while the percentages of black & white students are approximately the same between gifted and classical schools, the percentage of asian students in classical students far exceeded the percentage of latino students, and it was exactly the opposite in the gifted schools. I would define a gifted school as a school for children who have exceptional reasoning/critical thinking abilities, things that can't be taught as easily, and a classical school for children who KNOW a lot of things, either naturally or through repetitive drilling and memorization. I'm very interested as to why this happens -- you could point to the cliched asian parent (i.e., Tiger Mother), but why is the asian attendance so low in the gifted schools?
Anyhow, the nice thing is that my son will fit in fairly well at Skinner, racially. As we live in a predominantly black neighborhood, as he gets older it is important to us that he has friends of all different races. We were much more impressed with Skinner during this last Open House. The principal seemed like she was on top of things, all of the parents had good things to say about it (though they did emphasize that there was going to be a LOT of homework) and we were able to take another tour of the school, this time with one of the classical Kindergarten teachers who was actually able to answer our questions. We really were impressed with her. She said that they start out with 30 students per classroom and don't add any more kids, but some kids end up moving or leaving the school. She had 25 kids in her classroom at that point. However, there is a neighborhood Kindergarten class that must take students who live within the boundary limits and they have 38 (!!!!) children in their class. 38!!
The kink in all of this is that we visited a Christian school where many of our friends from the neighborhood send their kids and we really liked it. It is reasonably priced and is committed to teaching children about God through bible memorization, chapels, bible class, and studying subjects via the biblical worldview. As I could not get Ben to memorize a bible verse without coercion and/or bribery, I would love for him to be able to get that at school! They also have daily recess, spanish, music, art, and gym class. Skinner offers either mandarin or spanish, library, music, art, and laboratory science (starts at 1st grade). No daily recess, though some teachers do take the kids out for recess on their own volition. Westside is not as diverse (mostly african-american), though there is currently a Korean boy in the preschool who I believe is going to be in the Kindergarten class next year. We also love the fact that Ben would already have community at Westside as a number of children we know go there and one of his good friends will be in his Kindergarten class. Plus, the Kindergarten class for this year has about 18 students in it, which seems very reasonable to me.
So, we're not entirely sure what we're going to do. We took the spot at Skinner because we would lose it if we didn't and this is our only CPS option as he didn't get into any of the magnets. He could always take the test again next year for 1st grade, but there are no guarantees. My heart tells me to send him to Westside Christian, but my head tells me Skinner... Probably we'll end up putting him in Skinner and if we're unhappy with it, we'll move him to Westside. In some ways, it would have been easier had he not gotten in anywhere at all!
My conclusion? CPS works if at least 2 of the following are true: (1) your child is smart (2) you live in the boundaries or a good neighborhood school (which are hard to find and housing costs are normally VERY high in those places) (3) the parent is motivated (4) you are politically connected (sad, but true) (5) you live within the boundaries of a good magnet school -- your chances of getting in via proximity lottery go WAY up. These factors hardly seem fair to the vast majority of students out there. It once again underscores the privilege of choice that wealthy, college-educated people have that most low-income people don't. Had Ben not gotten in anywhere, we could afford private school. I could (gulp) even homeschool if push came to shove. Watching Waiting for Superman (which in and of itself is an entirely separate blog post) really brought home the power of choice to me.
Skinner West had another Open House for parents of students who were admitted. We were a little surprised to see how many asian parents were there, particularly first generation asian parents. The school is about 50% african-american, 25% asian-american, 20% caucasian and 5% latino. This, compared to the overall CPS statistics of 9.2% caucasian, 45.1% african-american, 3.6% asian, and 41.9% latino (source: Racial Ethnic Surveys).
Further, it was interesting to drill deeper into this data (if you click on one of the links, an Excel document will download with several different tabs) and see that, while the percentages of black & white students are approximately the same between gifted and classical schools, the percentage of asian students in classical students far exceeded the percentage of latino students, and it was exactly the opposite in the gifted schools. I would define a gifted school as a school for children who have exceptional reasoning/critical thinking abilities, things that can't be taught as easily, and a classical school for children who KNOW a lot of things, either naturally or through repetitive drilling and memorization. I'm very interested as to why this happens -- you could point to the cliched asian parent (i.e., Tiger Mother), but why is the asian attendance so low in the gifted schools?
Anyhow, the nice thing is that my son will fit in fairly well at Skinner, racially. As we live in a predominantly black neighborhood, as he gets older it is important to us that he has friends of all different races. We were much more impressed with Skinner during this last Open House. The principal seemed like she was on top of things, all of the parents had good things to say about it (though they did emphasize that there was going to be a LOT of homework) and we were able to take another tour of the school, this time with one of the classical Kindergarten teachers who was actually able to answer our questions. We really were impressed with her. She said that they start out with 30 students per classroom and don't add any more kids, but some kids end up moving or leaving the school. She had 25 kids in her classroom at that point. However, there is a neighborhood Kindergarten class that must take students who live within the boundary limits and they have 38 (!!!!) children in their class. 38!!
The kink in all of this is that we visited a Christian school where many of our friends from the neighborhood send their kids and we really liked it. It is reasonably priced and is committed to teaching children about God through bible memorization, chapels, bible class, and studying subjects via the biblical worldview. As I could not get Ben to memorize a bible verse without coercion and/or bribery, I would love for him to be able to get that at school! They also have daily recess, spanish, music, art, and gym class. Skinner offers either mandarin or spanish, library, music, art, and laboratory science (starts at 1st grade). No daily recess, though some teachers do take the kids out for recess on their own volition. Westside is not as diverse (mostly african-american), though there is currently a Korean boy in the preschool who I believe is going to be in the Kindergarten class next year. We also love the fact that Ben would already have community at Westside as a number of children we know go there and one of his good friends will be in his Kindergarten class. Plus, the Kindergarten class for this year has about 18 students in it, which seems very reasonable to me.
So, we're not entirely sure what we're going to do. We took the spot at Skinner because we would lose it if we didn't and this is our only CPS option as he didn't get into any of the magnets. He could always take the test again next year for 1st grade, but there are no guarantees. My heart tells me to send him to Westside Christian, but my head tells me Skinner... Probably we'll end up putting him in Skinner and if we're unhappy with it, we'll move him to Westside. In some ways, it would have been easier had he not gotten in anywhere at all!
My conclusion? CPS works if at least 2 of the following are true: (1) your child is smart (2) you live in the boundaries or a good neighborhood school (which are hard to find and housing costs are normally VERY high in those places) (3) the parent is motivated (4) you are politically connected (sad, but true) (5) you live within the boundaries of a good magnet school -- your chances of getting in via proximity lottery go WAY up. These factors hardly seem fair to the vast majority of students out there. It once again underscores the privilege of choice that wealthy, college-educated people have that most low-income people don't. Had Ben not gotten in anywhere, we could afford private school. I could (gulp) even homeschool if push came to shove. Watching Waiting for Superman (which in and of itself is an entirely separate blog post) really brought home the power of choice to me.
our CPS odyssey, part 1
Over 2 years ago, I started seriously thinking about Kindergarten options for Benjamin. My assumption had been that we probably would not be in the city long enough to really worry about navigating the system, but as Ben turned 3, I realized that we probably would still be here and I'd better get my rear in gear.
Chris & I talked extensively about all of our options -- (1) homeschooling, (2) private school, (3) public school and the implications of each. As Ben's personality started emerging further and his talent for numbers/math became evident, we realized (1) homeschooling was not an option for either him or me for a myriad of reasons, the chief of which is that it would be detrimental to our family because of our clash in personalities (read: grumpy, frustrated mom vs. unwilling student) (2) private schools cost money, and in some cases, LOTS of money and (3) the Chicago Public Schools (CPS) is a labyrinth of magnet, charter, classical, gifted and neighborhood schools, with sibling, proximity, general lotteries, tiers, testing, etc.
In order to give ourselves the maximum possible options, I decided to research CPS and figure out what exactly was involved and at least understand the process well enough to apply. It wasn't going to cost us anything (except time), so we were at least going to put our feet into the water and see what happens.
Well, little did I know HOW much time it was going to involve just trying to figure out the system. To be fair to myself, they did end up changing the way the magnet & selective enrollment (selective enrollment = kids must take a test to get in) schools worked as the Supreme Court (rightly, IMO) put an end to their race-based admissions policy. So then CPS implemented this complicated tier system, whereby your address put you in a tier (1-4, 4 being in the wealthiest neighborhoods) and your chances of getting into a magnet or selective enrollment school are partially based on tier, e.g., tier 1 requires lower scores than tier 4 to get into a school for selective enrollment -- magnet schools fill their spots through random lottery by tier.
Okay, I am a college-educated stay-at-home mom and this was complicated enough for me to figure out (and there is even more minutiae than what I have described), as well as finding and researching each school that we were interested in and finding out when open houses were! It's hard to imagine a single parent in my neighborhood with less time/motivation sitting down and trying to figure all of this out. The CPS website is not intuitive and it was sheer luck that I stumbled across the CPS Office of Academic Enhancement website, which was finally a centralized location for many of my questions!
We visited four selective enrollment schools and then ranked them on our application. We also applied to magnet schools, but those are a long shot since we are not in the higher percentage sibling or proximity lotteries. Ben took the highly secretive gifted & classical tests (kids take them both at the same time) in December. This test is the source of anxiety for many parents mostly because of the total unknown. The children go in to take the test with a stranger (a grad student at IIT, I think), are gone for about 15 minutes and then come back, seemingly with their minds wiped clean of the time in the room since they can't seem to remember anything on the test! Ben told Chris that he didn't know what the "pink thing was on the end of a pencil" but couldn't tell him anything else about the test.
And then we waited. I felt an uncommon peace during this time because we had done all that we could do and there was nothing else to do except forget about it until our letter came in March. I did a good job of forgetting until I mistakenly went to the www.cpsobsessed.com site and found out that the letters were going to go out a few days before I thought they were going to be sent out, so I anxiously waited each day for the mailman to come. I wish I wouldn't have seen that site because I got my letter when I initially thought I would!
to be continued...
Chris & I talked extensively about all of our options -- (1) homeschooling, (2) private school, (3) public school and the implications of each. As Ben's personality started emerging further and his talent for numbers/math became evident, we realized (1) homeschooling was not an option for either him or me for a myriad of reasons, the chief of which is that it would be detrimental to our family because of our clash in personalities (read: grumpy, frustrated mom vs. unwilling student) (2) private schools cost money, and in some cases, LOTS of money and (3) the Chicago Public Schools (CPS) is a labyrinth of magnet, charter, classical, gifted and neighborhood schools, with sibling, proximity, general lotteries, tiers, testing, etc.
In order to give ourselves the maximum possible options, I decided to research CPS and figure out what exactly was involved and at least understand the process well enough to apply. It wasn't going to cost us anything (except time), so we were at least going to put our feet into the water and see what happens.
Well, little did I know HOW much time it was going to involve just trying to figure out the system. To be fair to myself, they did end up changing the way the magnet & selective enrollment (selective enrollment = kids must take a test to get in) schools worked as the Supreme Court (rightly, IMO) put an end to their race-based admissions policy. So then CPS implemented this complicated tier system, whereby your address put you in a tier (1-4, 4 being in the wealthiest neighborhoods) and your chances of getting into a magnet or selective enrollment school are partially based on tier, e.g., tier 1 requires lower scores than tier 4 to get into a school for selective enrollment -- magnet schools fill their spots through random lottery by tier.
Okay, I am a college-educated stay-at-home mom and this was complicated enough for me to figure out (and there is even more minutiae than what I have described), as well as finding and researching each school that we were interested in and finding out when open houses were! It's hard to imagine a single parent in my neighborhood with less time/motivation sitting down and trying to figure all of this out. The CPS website is not intuitive and it was sheer luck that I stumbled across the CPS Office of Academic Enhancement website, which was finally a centralized location for many of my questions!
We visited four selective enrollment schools and then ranked them on our application. We also applied to magnet schools, but those are a long shot since we are not in the higher percentage sibling or proximity lotteries. Ben took the highly secretive gifted & classical tests (kids take them both at the same time) in December. This test is the source of anxiety for many parents mostly because of the total unknown. The children go in to take the test with a stranger (a grad student at IIT, I think), are gone for about 15 minutes and then come back, seemingly with their minds wiped clean of the time in the room since they can't seem to remember anything on the test! Ben told Chris that he didn't know what the "pink thing was on the end of a pencil" but couldn't tell him anything else about the test.
And then we waited. I felt an uncommon peace during this time because we had done all that we could do and there was nothing else to do except forget about it until our letter came in March. I did a good job of forgetting until I mistakenly went to the www.cpsobsessed.com site and found out that the letters were going to go out a few days before I thought they were going to be sent out, so I anxiously waited each day for the mailman to come. I wish I wouldn't have seen that site because I got my letter when I initially thought I would!
to be continued...
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
the princess problem
After we found out that we were having a girl, Chris steadfastly eschewed any of the girl clothes that said "Daddy's Little Princess" because he didn't like the sense of entitlement or the insinuation that she was going to get anything/everything that she wanted.
I knew that I was going to get a girly-girl, as I was not and my mother was and always wanted me to be more girly. It was only just that I should get the girl who preferred pink and ballerinas. And boy, did I ever get her.
From a very young age (before 2) she made her preference for pink known. At one point, she would only wear clothes that had a sufficient amount of pink in them, as deemed by her. She discovered the Disney Princesses (DP) around the time she was 2 1/2 years old and immediately clung to Sleeping Beauty, not because she had seen the movie or knew anything about the character, but because her dress was pink.
My daughter is 3 1/2. I am okay with letting her like Sleeping Beauty because she wears a pink dress right now. I have sometimes wondered if feeding the DP monster (i.e., taking her to Disney World, buying DP books, merchandise, etc.) is a good idea or if we should temper it a bit. The old feminist in me thinks that this whole idea can be destructive to the way she sees herself as a woman as she grows. However, if she was really into Thomas the Tank Engine or Legos, I wouldn't discourage her, so why should I discourage her from this? I have never pushed her towards liking pink (quite the opposite, in fact), nor did I push her towards the DP. Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I really liked the DP when I was a kid, but I was older, like middle school when movies like The Little Mermaid, Beauty & the Beast and Aladdin came out.
My main concerns about her DP obsession:
1. The unrealistic standard of beauty. Though Disney has made concerted efforts to include all races as DP's, they certainly have focused on the European standard of beauty, including an 18" waist for all of the DP's. And, the marketing for the DP's is heavily skewed towards the European characters.
2. Where are the mothers in these stories? The only mothers that I can think of are Cinderella's wicked stepmother and Sleeping Beauty's mother who plays such a minor part that she's not really a mother. Flora, Fauna & Merryweather are her adjunct mothers, but even their relationship is not really shown.
3. The focus on the Prince/romantic story lines. My daughter isn't really old enough to understand all of this (I finally convinced her that she wasn't going to be marrying her brother, which was her initial assumption), but I don't want her to grow up thinking that getting her man is the focus of her life. Plus, all of the Princes fall in love with their beauty, not because of their personalities, and this supposedly enduring and everlasting love all happens very quickly. Understandably it has to be relatively quick in a 90 minute movie, but I think that can set up unreasonable expectations of what love actually is.
4. The undesirable characteristics of some of the DP's. Ariel is headstrong, disobedient and makes a really horrible decision for a foolish reason. Jasmine is also headstrong (which I can't really blame her for, given her situation) and runs away from her loving father. Princess Aurora is just meh -- pretty bland & vanilla. The only estimable characters (in my opinion) are Cinderella & Belle. Cinderella is kind and patient in the face of extreme cruelty. Belle is smart, strong, and willing to sacrifice her life for her father's.
Again, my daughter is too young to understand a lot of this and it's good because it gives us fodder for discussion as she grows older. We've already talked about being beautiful on the inside is much more important than being beautiful on the outside (which comes up because she is often told how cute/pretty she is and she is old enough to understand it now). But I need to continue the discussion with her.
I'm curious what others think about the DP's, especially if you have a daughter?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
the name game
One strange fact about my life is that no one has ever been able to figure out *what* I am based on my name. My first name is basically made up and my last name is probably English -- my husband is the classic American-European mix. My maiden name was actually Ukranian, though in spelling it looked like it could have been Japanese. Suffice it to say, I had my fair share of people asking me "Uh, what are you?" in varying degrees of politeness. This is common to most adoptees, and it never really bothered me and still doesn't. I actually think it's nice that people don't know what race I am when I'm on the telephone or if I send in an application.
My father-in-law was recently telling me about a man he had met several years ago with the last name of Washington, who changed his last name, asking my father-in-law "Have you ever met a white person with the last name of Washington?", so when I saw this article online yesterday, I immediately recalled his story.
As we get close to welcoming our third child into the world, we are still discussing names. Last night we realized that both children had the same number of letters in their first names, and half-jokingly said that we should continue with that? I have been a proponent of "regular" names, having a name that I could never find on a magnet, sticker, etc. when I was young and a name that was constantly misspelled by one letter. My brother had it worse -- he has a seemingly normal name that has a letter missing that is common to 99% of the people with his name! So he & I have always vowed to spell our children's names normally.
What do we want people to think about our child when they first hear their name? Because of his/her last name, they will automatically presume that our child is white. My daughter has a Korean middle name and I'm thinking that I might want to give this child my maiden name. But as far as first names, I'm stumped. Chris & I haven't been able to agree on anything thus far. Oh well, neither of our other kids had names picked out until the week before they were born!
My father-in-law was recently telling me about a man he had met several years ago with the last name of Washington, who changed his last name, asking my father-in-law "Have you ever met a white person with the last name of Washington?", so when I saw this article online yesterday, I immediately recalled his story.
As we get close to welcoming our third child into the world, we are still discussing names. Last night we realized that both children had the same number of letters in their first names, and half-jokingly said that we should continue with that? I have been a proponent of "regular" names, having a name that I could never find on a magnet, sticker, etc. when I was young and a name that was constantly misspelled by one letter. My brother had it worse -- he has a seemingly normal name that has a letter missing that is common to 99% of the people with his name! So he & I have always vowed to spell our children's names normally.
What do we want people to think about our child when they first hear their name? Because of his/her last name, they will automatically presume that our child is white. My daughter has a Korean middle name and I'm thinking that I might want to give this child my maiden name. But as far as first names, I'm stumped. Chris & I haven't been able to agree on anything thus far. Oh well, neither of our other kids had names picked out until the week before they were born!
Monday, February 7, 2011
tiger mother
The debate over the Tiger Mother seems to have calmed down, at least for now. Most of the opinions have been negative, which is unsurprising as her methods are (were?) extreme by most people's standards. And certainly that is not the way that I would ever want to raise my children, no matter what the results turned out to be.
However, it has gotten me to think about parenting, both my own and those that our western society espouses. I am often sympathetic to my children's feelings and desires and try to work with them. If they don't want to go to the park, I try to find an alternate activity to do with them. If they want to play with a certain friend, I will contact that friend's mom and try to set up a play date. But, lately I have been thinking that I am catering too much to my children's desires.
A few examples:
(1) my 3 year old seems to have developed some kind of social anxiety, which peaked during the Christmas season. This isn't surprising as we were going to new places quite a bit with lots of new faces, or at least faces that we haven't seen for awhile, between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's gotten better (and once we are wherever we're going, she's fine and has a great time), but she will still push back on us when we are going places from time to time, especially church. She will insist that she doesn't want to go and start crying, but we calmly explain to her that in our family, we always go to church on Sunday. Thankfully our drive to church is not long, so even if she is crying, she stops as soon as she sees her friends!
(2) We have enrolled Ben in music (Mon), golf (Thurs) & swim (Sat) lessons. He has started fighting going to all of them, though in the first 2 at least, he has a good time and participates like a champ. Yes, 3 lessons seems like a lot for a 5 year old, but I am learning that he needs a schedule or else he gets so bored and starts tormenting his sister or acting crazy. Even though he doesn't want to go to them, we make him go.
In my childhood experience, my parents were always encouraging me to "do my best" and if my best was a B (I never got a C on a report card until college), then that was okay. They put me in many different activities and let me choose what I wanted to do, for the most part. The one significant exception was when I was in 4th - 6th grade and they signed me and my brother up for the track team. I HATED it. I would hide the forms when they would be sent home so that my parents wouldn't see it, but they always found out and I always had to go. But you know what? I am so glad that they did it and that they didn't listen to what I wanted. It was good for me. It taught me discipline, perseverance and that I had another "gear" that I could kick myself into. These have become invaluable lessons as I grew older.
A negative example from my childhood would be piano lessons. I started taking them when I was in 1st grade and I really did not like my teacher. I don't quite remember why I didn't, but she was intimidating to me and not a particularly warm person. I did not like them and did not want to continue and my parents let me stop. I now wish that they would have made me continue them -- maybe with another teacher? But I wish that I would not have been able to give up on them so easily.
It's hard to know when to push your kids. My general rule of thumb thus far is that if you commit to something, you have to see it through to the end, with the exception of things that I sign them up for without asking them (which is rare). In those situations, they have to try at least one or two classes and if they don't like it, then they don't have to go. But sometimes I wonder if I should keep pushing them to try things that they don't like or don't think they'll like? I'm curious how others handle this? Though my kids have wills of their own, I am of the opinion that a 3 and a 5 year old do not always (or often?) know what's best for them...
However, it has gotten me to think about parenting, both my own and those that our western society espouses. I am often sympathetic to my children's feelings and desires and try to work with them. If they don't want to go to the park, I try to find an alternate activity to do with them. If they want to play with a certain friend, I will contact that friend's mom and try to set up a play date. But, lately I have been thinking that I am catering too much to my children's desires.
A few examples:
(1) my 3 year old seems to have developed some kind of social anxiety, which peaked during the Christmas season. This isn't surprising as we were going to new places quite a bit with lots of new faces, or at least faces that we haven't seen for awhile, between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's gotten better (and once we are wherever we're going, she's fine and has a great time), but she will still push back on us when we are going places from time to time, especially church. She will insist that she doesn't want to go and start crying, but we calmly explain to her that in our family, we always go to church on Sunday. Thankfully our drive to church is not long, so even if she is crying, she stops as soon as she sees her friends!
(2) We have enrolled Ben in music (Mon), golf (Thurs) & swim (Sat) lessons. He has started fighting going to all of them, though in the first 2 at least, he has a good time and participates like a champ. Yes, 3 lessons seems like a lot for a 5 year old, but I am learning that he needs a schedule or else he gets so bored and starts tormenting his sister or acting crazy. Even though he doesn't want to go to them, we make him go.
In my childhood experience, my parents were always encouraging me to "do my best" and if my best was a B (I never got a C on a report card until college), then that was okay. They put me in many different activities and let me choose what I wanted to do, for the most part. The one significant exception was when I was in 4th - 6th grade and they signed me and my brother up for the track team. I HATED it. I would hide the forms when they would be sent home so that my parents wouldn't see it, but they always found out and I always had to go. But you know what? I am so glad that they did it and that they didn't listen to what I wanted. It was good for me. It taught me discipline, perseverance and that I had another "gear" that I could kick myself into. These have become invaluable lessons as I grew older.
A negative example from my childhood would be piano lessons. I started taking them when I was in 1st grade and I really did not like my teacher. I don't quite remember why I didn't, but she was intimidating to me and not a particularly warm person. I did not like them and did not want to continue and my parents let me stop. I now wish that they would have made me continue them -- maybe with another teacher? But I wish that I would not have been able to give up on them so easily.
It's hard to know when to push your kids. My general rule of thumb thus far is that if you commit to something, you have to see it through to the end, with the exception of things that I sign them up for without asking them (which is rare). In those situations, they have to try at least one or two classes and if they don't like it, then they don't have to go. But sometimes I wonder if I should keep pushing them to try things that they don't like or don't think they'll like? I'm curious how others handle this? Though my kids have wills of their own, I am of the opinion that a 3 and a 5 year old do not always (or often?) know what's best for them...
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