I started Weight Watchers this week. I have told a few people and the reaction is always the same "Why? You don't need to lose weight." Well, since weaning Caroline, I have gained about 5 lbs, 5 lbs that I'd like to lose again , plus a little extra as long as I'm paying for it :) When I'm nursing, I can eat whatever I want and lose weight. Unfortunately, since weaning, I have eaten whatever I want and put a few extra pounds on. I don't even really know how much I'm *supposed* to be eating (portion control is not my forte), and I'm hoping this will help me with that as well.

This is the first official "diet" (though I loathe that term) that I've been on. When I was in high school and always thought that I was fat (and when I look at pictures of myself in high school, I can't believe I ever thought that), I would put myself on a restricted diet whereby I would not allow myself to eat more than 10 grams of fat per day. I was also on the morning sickness diet, unwittingly. I've always had a negative body image, even when I was thin. I remember when I was 12 years old that I would watch the Miss America pageant and compare my prepubescent body to theirs and feel fat as a result.

I do not want to pass this negative body image onto my own daughter. So, I'm hesitant to do this in the first place, but I think that getting to a healthy weight and getting better eating habits will serve us all well. We eat pretty healthy as a family, with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, but we also use a lot of butter and full-fat dairy, so I should be more mindful of those things.

I am also doing this with my Mom, which I think will help motivate us both! It always helps me to do difficult things with other people, this or working out. Does anyone who has done Weight Watchers have any tips for me? I'm seeing how there is a very strong incentive to work out because of the extra food you can eat. I'd welcome any tips or recipes!

Marriage

Jesus in response to the Pharisee's attempt to trap him (in a pretty ridiculous hypothetical situation, if you ask me) by asking him about the 7-times widowed, childless woman in Mark 12:18-25:

Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. (v. 24-25)

It has always struck me as odd that the American church has SO many ministries specifically devoted to families and marriage, particularly the largest, wealthiest and most politically influential ministries. Why is that? Certainly marriage and family is important, there's no denying that. But, if marriage to our current spouse isn't something that we will have in heaven, why so much focus, emphasis, energy and money spent specifically on it?

Wouldn't it be better if we were more focused on eternity? Wouldn't that help our marriages perhaps MORE than what we are currently doing now? This is not a rhetorical question, I'd love some feedback on it.

Parenthood has been the point in my life where I've been able to most understand God's commands. Well, as much as my puny pea-brain can possibly understand that which is so infinitely higher and greater than myself. A few examples:

• I now more fully understand why God commands us to love one another. BK (Before kids), it wasn't something I thought about, it was just something that I was commanded to do. Now, I understand the reasoning behind it. It makes me crazy when my children fight. And it melts my heart when they are intentionally kind and loving towards one another. The latter is a joy to me.
  

• God doesn't want us to use filthy language because it makes us sound stupid. Lately, Ben has been saying "poopy" "fart" "butt" indiscriminately, i.e., "You're poopy." "I'm a fart." What a waste of breath and words. I can only imagine how He feels when we cuss up and down.
  


• I see now more fully how ridiculous it is to say that you love God but don't obey Him. Ben tells me at least four times per day that he loves me, unprompted. It's very very sweet and I cherish hearing it because I know that it won't last forever. However, he also does things that are disrespectful or disobedient at least four times per day, thereby showing me that, while I do believe he loves me, it would be much better if he showed me that he loved me by obeying.

Now, of course, I can't extend this very far as I'm not holy and God is, so slights against me are miniscule in comparison to sin against Him. However, I'm grateful for the exortation to myself to pursue godliness in an enlightened state of understanding.

'tis the season...

With the holidays come and gone and with my children in the beginning stages of being able to remember our holiday traditions, I start to wonder "Am I doing enough to make the holiday special for them? Do they understand that it's about more than just presents? Will it matter to them that we make a gingerbread house every year? Will they remember me making homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning? Will they love Christmas music as much as I did as a child (and still do)?"

I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child. We always celebrated Christmas Eve at my mom's family and received a few presents there. My grandmother made her homemade fudge and we had lots of appetizers. It was always a comfortable place where I felt safe & loved. We would come home and open one gift and then go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and fill our stockings and put out the rest of our presents.

On Christmas Day we would wake up and open presents and stockings (stocking presents were my favorite) and have a laid-back day until my dad came to get me and my brother around noon. We'd then go to his house and open presents with he & my stepmom.

I'm a tradition-oriented person. I like traditions and want to create some for my own family. We decided after we had Ben that we were going to be home for Christmas Day so that our children could wake up in their own house and enjoy Christmas morning here since our families are all 4-6 hours away. There are some years that I regret that decision because I miss the Christmas Eve celebration with my family. This year, happily, we were able to have Christmas Eve dinner with friends from Chicago who happened to stay this year to the birth of their baby a few weeks before. We were able to have a large festive with them and some of their family who were in town. But many years it is just our family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (we then leave to see family afterwards).

Some holiday traditions that we have:
-listening to Christmas music pretty much non-stop between Thanksgiving and Christmas
-making a gingerbread house
-making & decorating Christmas cookies
-advent calendar
-advent devotional (need to be better about this with the kids)
-homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning
-picking out "birthday presents for Jesus" in the World Vision catalog

It's a truism that we don't see the fruit of much of our labor until our children are older. I don't know if I'll see whether or not I was successful with imparting the special nature of the season to my kids until they are grown and start implementing traditions of their own.

My Decade in Review

As the 2000's come to a close (how do you say that grammatically? The "aughts"? The "zero's"?), it's caused me to reflect on the decade that saw the most important and lasting transitions of my life. A one-phrase summary for each year:

2000 - homesick
2001 - courted by Chris
2002 - engagement
2003 - entering into holy matrimony
2004 - buying our first house
2005 - welcoming our first child
2006 - sleepless in Chicago
2007 - welcoming our second child
2008 - transitioning into a family of four
2009 - comfortable in my own skin

I like to see this decade as the one in which God has borne fruit in me. I think of the 1990's as the decade in which I was searching for my identity and found it in Christ. I see the 2000's as the decade in which my new identity has begun to flesh itself out.

Places I went on vacation (or was there for a wedding or a missions trip) this decade:
-Paris
-London
-Bath, England
-Kauai
-Maui
-Banff, Alberta
-Wisconsin Dells
-Washington DC
-Bar Harbor, Maine
-St. Louis
-Augusta, Georgia
-Denver
-Columbus, Ohio
-Harare, Zimbabwe (incidentally, I was there over 9/11 -- crazy story)
-New York City
-New Jersey
-Philadelphia

I anticipate traveling less in this upcoming decade, or at least to less exotic destinations, though perhaps if we end up adopting internationally, I'll have at least one opportunity to use my passport....

Happy New Decade to all!

an exercise in humility

I ran my first 5K in 10+ years today. It was with the young women in the youth program at Breakthrough Urban Ministries. We ran in a race with an organization called Girls on the Run, who exists to empower and enrich young girls' lives by involving them in a running program, culminating in a 5K race. All of the Breakthrough girls did a fabulous job! I was really proud of them and their good attitudes and desire to finish the race.

I was not able to be as involved as I would have liked to have been. Fall is a nutty time in our household, particularly the weekends. The girls (and adult volunteers) ran on Saturday mornings, which were hard for me to make. I made it to the last run before the race last Saturday and a particular girl, Sheniece (not her real name) latched onto me. She's a very nice girl who I enjoy talking with, but let's just say that she's not the fastest runner in the group. I had to prod her through most of the training that day (2 miles) and pretty much through the entire race, egging her on to catch up to me, or to run to the next stop sign, etc.

This was very much a struggle for me. I knew going into this race that we were most likely going to be the last ones to cross the finish line out of all of the groups in Breakthrough. I am very competitive by nature -- I can lose gracefully, but I don't like it. And I didn't like the idea of being the last one in when I could have (and would have preferred to) run the entire 3.1 miles and turn in a "good" time (though I'm a pretty slow runner, truth be told). Instead, it took us 55 minutes to finish. This wasn't an official timed race, so there were no winners -- the premise is that everyone who crosses the finish line is a winner. Particularly seeing where these girls started 2 months ago (I did make it to the first practice) and most, including Sheniece, could barely run/walk the .75 miles that the first week required.

However, I realized the week before the race that I'm not running for ME or any perceived glory that I would get by crossing the finish line in 35 minutes. I wasn't running this for me. I was running it for these girls. I was running for Sheniece. I wanted her to finish, I was there to be an encouragement and help for her. It didn't matter if Sheniece & I finished last. What mattered was that I humbled myself to help & encourage her, even if I had a few frustrating moments when I just wanted to finish the race and take off without her.

We were the slowest in our team as I had imagined, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I was so proud of her resilient spirit and that she never once broached the subject of giving up. In fact, our entire group did a great job and had wonderful attitudes. I saw one girl in another team sit down with 1/4 mile left to go. I saw another girl (9 years old, maybe?) literally cling to the fence screaming "I want to go home!! I want to go home!!" and her father (I think) had to pull her off of the fence and carry her!

I can't wait for next year's race! And my appetite for another race (in which I will actually be able to run the entire thing) is definitely whetted...

marriage vs. parenthood

Our church is conducting a 6 week marriage class this fall. We just completed week 5. It's given us some good things to think about and talk through. While it's not perfect, I think that Chris & I have a really good marriage. We are well-suited to each other in many ways, particularly in the way that we think and view the world. We didn't have that difficult first year that many people talk about, in fact our first year of marriage was one of the most fun. We had a difficult engagement, so perhaps that was why?

As a result of this marriage class, our church started a marriage blog that has some interesting thoughts/questions/ideas about marriage (and we are the featured wedding picture this time :)). This post is asking the question about whether marriage makes you happy or holy. I have been thinking about this question lately as it applies to my own marriage. Before I got married, I didn't expect to be happy. Not in the long term, at least. It had nothing to do with Chris -- it more had to do with what I was reading and listening to, as well as my own parents divorcing when I was young. Everything was about how much work marriage was and how you shouldn't look to your spouse to fulfill you and how you will wake up one morning and not even like the person sleeping next to you. While these things can be true, it painted a pretty bleak picture for me.

So my bar was set very low for marriage and it's FAR exceeded my expectations. The thing that has worked to make me holy is my children. I think that all of those things that people warned me about marriage applies to children for me. Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!! At least in my marriage, it's a two-way street. Parenthood often feels like a one-way street, especially with my son telling me today (out of nowhere) "I don't like you, Mom." :( It's definitely taught me a lot about servanthood, patience, my own selfishness, and my need for Jesus.

These things might flip-flop throughout my life, when parenting seems easier and marriage seems harder at the time. But in the season of life we're in right now, parenthood definitely wins in the sanctification category!

missing children

So, I've mentioned on this blog before that one of my biggest fears is that one of my children will be abducted. On Saturday night, a flyer was tucked into our door informing us of a missing girl, 15 years old, with her picture and pertinent information on her. She was last seen a few days ago and hasn't been heard from since.

Then, I pick up a Chicago Tribune this morning (from Friday's edition -- we have a bunch of Tribs lying around, long story), and read about Yasmin Acree, another West Side girl who hasn't been seen or heard from in almost 2 years.

What struck me as appalling in the article was that the police and detectives automatically assumed that because a teenage girl is African-American and lives in my neighborhood that she ran off with her boyfriend and that she'll be back. They didn't even gather evidence at her house when they answered the initial call! Would those same assumptions be made of a white teenage girl from Winnetka whose lock was found cut and evidence of forced entry apparent? I really don't think so. I think that would be front page news (see: Elizabeth Smart), it would be on all of the tv news (and maybe even national) and there would be candlelight vigils all over Winnetka.

This is just wrong.

long time no blog

So I've been absent for a loooong time. In fact, my blog tells me it's been 2 1/2 months since I've last posted. It's not for lack of things to write about -- in fact in some ways it's because I have too much to write about and don't know where to start. I've been reading a lot, and with the start of cool weather, the desire to knit has superseded the desire to blog. Those are all of my excuses! I can't guarantee that I'll keep up with this more regularly, but I'll try.

Maybe a good place to restart would be some short book reviews of things I've read recently:

Team of Rivals


Excellent book about Abraham Lincoln and his Cabinet. Lincoln was not a "yes" man -- he wanted the best people around him, even the ones who didn't agree with him. It was very interesting to see how almost everyone that he selected for his Cabinet did not think he was suited for the office of the President of the United States (because of his low birth, humble beginnings, little formal education), but they all save one ended up respecting and giving him their unswerving loyalty. I came away from this book with a new regard of Abraham Lincoln as a person.

Olive Kitteridge


I went through a phase a few years ago of wanting to read Pulitzer Prize Winning books, so I checked the list for this year, and this book won it for fiction. I put it on hold at the library and waited a LONG time for it. I did enjoy it, but it was somewhat dark and depressing. I had the feeling of peeking into someone's life through both their windows and their friends & family's windows seeing every facet of their being. Very well written and engrossing, but I didn't love it, partially because Olive, the main character, is a difficult character to love.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society


A friend of mine recommended this book to me and after my 2,000+ pages of presidential biographies (Truman and Lincoln) and somewhat depressing novel, I needed a bit of a break. This was a very quick read, definitely on the chick lit side, but not entirely. It's written in the form of people writing letters to each other. It's set in England in the 1940's, right after WWII. There were some interesting things in there for history buffs (yours truly) to make it seem not quite so marshmallow fluff-esque, but it was a wonderful read with a great ending.

an inconvenient truth

We have this movie in our Blockbuster queue, but haven't watched it yet :) Nevertheless, I'm learning more and more that inconvenience is part of the Christian life and that I think God actually wants it that way! Let me explain...

I, like most people, dislike being inconvenienced. It screws up my day/week, I can't get what I had planned done (or at least can't get it done in the time frame that I want it done), I have to expend more of my energy to handle the inconvenience, whether it's caused by road construction, someone needing my help, someone needing my husband's help, etc. It often leads to me giving up some of my free time for someone else's needs or purposes. As a stay-at-home mom who gets precious little free time throughout the day, I guard my time to myself with the utmost vigilance!

However, I'm learning more that inconvenience needs to be a part of my life, that I need to be willing, and cheerfully willing, to inconvenience myself in order to love other people. I think that's what we're called to as Christians. It's the refusal to give into our selfish inclination to make life about us and our needs and wants and instead to consider others better than ourselves.

For me, this is a hard lesson. I am selfish to the core, though God has used my children to beat the selfishness out of me! I still cling stubbornly to that last bit of self-absorption that I need to just give up already. I need to remind myself of the people that I know who refuse to be put out and the destructive effects on their relationships through it. I'm glad that God doesn't leave us to wallow in our sin, that, as believers, He provides a way out of it.

Book Review - Truman

I have a backlog of book reviews that I'd like to do, but I'll do the most recently read one first since it's freshest in my mind. I started reading this book when I was pregnant with my oldest child but for whatever reason (probably because of my diminished mental capacity as a pregnant woman) I didn't really get into it. I picked it up again on a friend's recommendation and I'm glad I did.

First off, I love biographies/history books. And David McCullough is truly a national treasure. He writes as a novelist, but doesn't use rhetorical flourishes or makes his voice the primary one in his books (at least in the 2 that I've read). Many will be initimidated by the sheer girth of the book (1,000+ pages in all), but don't let that discourage you. It is a relatively quick read and you'll find yourself not wanting to put it down.

Harry S. Truman was truly an extraordinary man and president. He came from humble beginnings (he didn't go to college), ascended to the highest office, and spent his whole life in service to his country. He did what he thought was the right thing, regardless of popular opinion or popularity polls and history has proved him correct in many of those things. There's a quote by Mark Twain that I really liked and summed him up well:

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Another striking quote that tells a lot about our current state of politics comes from a letter from his Secretary of State, Dean Acheson to Truman in reference to the Kennedy administration in regards to Kennedy's preoccupation with "image":

"This is a terrible weakness. It makes one look at oneself instead of at the problem. How will I look fielding this hot line drive to short stop? This is a good way to miss the ball altogether. I am amazed looking back to how far you were from this. I don't remember a case where you stopped to think of the effect on your fortunes - or the party's for that matter - of a decision in foreign policy."

Oh, how I wish our current politicians felt this way!!

I came away from this book wishing that our culture wrote more letters and kept diaries/journals versus blogs (guilty as charged -- I used to write in a diary daily until I got to college). McCullough was able to write this book because of the confluence of personal correspondance that Truman wrote in a diary and to the people in his life and that they wrote in return (all of which is archived in the Truman Library in Independence, Missouri). Actual letters take time & will to sit down and write, you have the opportunity to be thoughtful and reflective and it is more likely to write something meaningful than our culture of quickie emails, twittering and texting. It's interesting as we've become a more efficient society that we've become way less personal and communication is often reduced to "lol" or "ttyl". From a historical standpoint, having electronic documents and correspondance is convenient from a storage-wise, but I wonder how much of it will actually be useful in figuring out what a person's character is and what their thoughts & feelings about a specific situation are.

I also learned more about the Korean war than I ever have. I never realized how many lives were lost (mostly Korean, but also many American lives). My stepfather served in the Korean war and it gave me a greater appreciation for his service. It also makes me wonder about my biological family and the impact that it had on them.

This book is making my Top 10 list. If you are so inclined, pick it up! You'll be smarter for it.

*that* mom, part 2

So I fleshed out some of my comments in a previous post a few days ago.

Ben had his first soccer lesson on Thursday and he fought me tooth & nail on going to it. So much whining about not wanting to go and wanting to stay at home that I finally yelled at him to cut it out and that there are many kids whose mommies and daddies don't let them do anything fun and that he should be thankful and stop whining. That finally got him to stop, but he was still pouting and walking very slowly on the way to the field. I told him he had a choice to either participate and be happy or we're going home and he's sitting in his room for the rest of the day. A little background on my seemingly harsh reaction -- we had him in a swimming class over the winter and he refused to participate and was easily the most uncooperative child in the class. I get that he was afraid of some of the things they were doing, so we didn't push him too much, but there were several times when he decided to pout instead of trying something new.

When we got to the field (Wicker Park), there were about 6 other kids in his class and he was doing the first couple of things half-heartedly, which made me even madder. Finally though, he got engaged in what they were doing and ended up having fun -- he asked me afterwards when his next soccer class was and I told him in 7 days and he said "how about 1 day?"

I hate to be so demanding with him, but I also don't want him thinking he can go through life and only do what he wants to do at that given moment, and also that he doesn't ever have to challenge himself or try new things, especially when it's something that I know that he would like. The instructors were great with him and had a lot of fun things for the kids to do.

I struggle with knowing how much to push him through his fears or just plain stubbornness. I understand that he might be scared or reluctant to do new things. But I have coached kids who have flatly refused to do anything that they don't want to do and refuse to push themselves at any level, kids who are basically uncoachable. There are different reasons for that behavior, but my kid has no such excuse as abuse, poverty, broken home, lack of parental involvement, drugs, alcohol, violence, etc.

I don't care if my kids are the fastest, strongest, most talented kids on the field. I just want them to give their best effort.

Breakthrough Urban Ministries

rae_anna46 asked me to comment on Breakthrough Urban Minstries and the work that God has been doing through them. They recently just finished a new building that houses homeless men, as well as serving as administrative office space, meeting space, job training, etc. Their next project is building a youth and family center almost kitty corner from our house which will have a gym, computer lab, a medical clinic, and I've heard rumblings about a school that will be housed there. That is not a comprehensive list, but this is what I've heard through the grapevine...

Our primary involvement with Breakthrough these days is through Ben's attendance at their preschool. We were very very happy with his preschool. The quality of care & instruction is excellent and Chris & I both feel that Ben thrived there. He learned a lot academically but it was also really good for him to befriend children who are different from him and yet his peers and for us to be able to talk through those issues with him. I was able to help categorize the preschool books for the classroom and hope to be able to help out more now that Caroline isn't taking a morning nap.

Chris is still helping to coach the youth soccer team, though we've talked recently about him taking a break until Ben starts playing. He's been coaching for 6 years and I think he could use a sabbatical from it.

Okay, kids are both crying...

*that* mom

My husband, the kids and I were recently at a park about a 5 minute drive from our house.  We fed the ducks and then the kids wanted to go to the playground, so we headed in that direction.  Across from the playground, a little league baseball game was occurring and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  The boys were probably about 10 years old and both teams seemed to be well coached and disciplined.  I found myself standing there and realizing how strongly I wanted to be sitting there watching my son in the game.  

Before I had kids, one of the things that I most looked forward to was trucking them to all of their sports and sitting in the stands and cheering them on.  Playing sports was of such import to my childhood that the thought that they might not be interested in sports was never seriously entertained, particularly as my husband was also involved in many sports growing up.

I was always somewhat of a tomboy growing up.  Some of my earliest memories included a large red plastic bat and a proportionally large white plastic ball that my father would throw to me underhand, imploring me to hit it and showing me the correct posture and motions when I wouldn't.  I learned to catch and throw at an early age and have never once been accused of "throwing like a girl."  I played soccer until I got into high school and then softball and soccer were in the same seasons and I chose the former.  

I really would like my children to play sports.  Yes, I want them to play for health benefits (which seems to be much of the focus these days to counteract childhood obesity), but I want them to play because I think sports has much to teach children about working as a team, discipline, integrity, and character.  I would love for them to play baseball/softball (my first love), but I am also very conscious of not pigeon-holing them into what I want them to do instead of letting them develop their own interests and gifts.  And, of course, it's possible that they won't want to do any of it (though we will give them ample exposure and opportunity), in which case I will allow them to pursue the activity that they want to do.

I don't want to be that parent who lives vicariously through their child and is screaming at coaches to put her kid in or pushes her child to the point that they are not enjoying themselves any longer.  I want my kids to develop their God-given abilities, whether that is art, music, drama (I have a good deal of certainty that particular one is not my son's gift), athletics, or all of the above.  I'm excited to get to know better what their interests actually are.  It does seem that my son enjoys sports so far, so I'm hopeful that I'll be attending those baseball games after all.

Of course, I do have plans to groom Ben to be a professional soccer player in Europe in order to get my husband to finally go there with me.  But, if he doesn't make it that far, maybe I can still convince Chris to take me to Europe anyhow :)

proverbs, part 1

In an effort to be a better mother, I've been going through the Book of Proverbs lately, wanting to glean some wisdom for parenting and life in general.  I've not been disappointed, not that I expected to be disappointed in the Word of God!  I love the practicality in the proverbs -- I'm a "tell me what to do and I'll do it" kind of person, so I very much appreciate that aspect of the book as much of the rest of the bible is precepts and theory, which can sometimes be a challenge for me as I try to live out my faith.

I'm only through the first 18 chapters, so this isn't a comprehensive list, but I want to put down my thoughts before I forget them.

  

A few general observations from the first 9 chapters:

• Solomon exhorts his son(s) over and over in the first 9 chapters about heeding his words and instruction [main theme]
• The warnings against the forbidden woman are numerous and detailed
• Wisdom is to be pursued and loved -- there are manifold benefits to be gained from her
• Those who are happy in their ignorance are scorned

A few proverbs that have stuck out to me (chapters 10-14):

• Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. (3:27)  How often do I put off doing something thoughtful or kind for someone and then forget about it?  Or am just too lazy to get off my behind and do something nice for my husband or kids?  This is definitely something I want to teach my children.
• Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you. (3:29)  This is in contrast to Jesus' command to love your neighbor as yourself.
• Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has done you no harm. (3:30)  This is especially pertinent to me, when the kids are on my last nerve, I can sometimes take it out on my husband because I don't want to take it out on them!  
• There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him:  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. (6:16-19)  I think these are great verses to teach children -- pretty much sums up the life that I DON'T want my kids to live.
• Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her caputre you with her eyelashes; for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread, but a married woman hunts down a precious life. (6:25-26)  A good verse that can be used to talk to them about sexual purity and the value of marriage.
• Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. (12:1)  Probably not the best verse to give to them after a spanking (because really, who loves to be spanked?), but the precept is good to instill into them.
• One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. (13:7)  My brother-in-law once told me that when you don't have money, you want to buy things that make you feel like you do, even if you don't have the money for it.  
• Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools with suffer harm. (13:20)  An excellent verse to talk about and memorize before starting school!
• The fallow ground of the poor would yield much food, but it is swept away through injustice. (13:23)  How much "food" would the poor yield if they were given the opportunities that the rich have (i.e., education, healthcare, etc.)?

better off dead?

One of the most offensive things to me, as an adoptee, is when someone on the pro-choice side insinuates that adoptees would rather be dead than adopted.  This happens more than you may think.  It normally comes up during the course of a debate when the pro-life side brings up that  choosing adoption is also a choice -- and the pro-"choice" side inevitably brings up their one adopted friend that they know who doesn't like their parents (because all biological children like their parents???) and they extrapolate from their friend's experience that adoption is not a good choice.

I was reading a facebook group discussion about abortion around the time of the presidential election (I think it was either an anti-partial birth abortion group or the Fight FOCA group) and this very subject came up and this ignorant person brought up this argument.  It bugged me at the time, but it's been needling me ever since that there are people who think that adoptees would rather be dead than adopted and they think that this is a rational, cohesive argument for abortion?

I, for one, am glad that I was born.  I'm glad that my biological mother made the hard decision to give me life.  I don't know the circumstances of my adoption, but I'm thankful for the life that I have.  I had really good adoptive parents, but they weren't perfect, but I don't know many biological children who think their parents were either.

I will say that there are things that adoptive children do miss out on, and many do feel a sense of loss and have a difficult time getting over it (though I did not).  I remember my best friend growing up always commenting on how she had her dad's feet & nose and her mom's hair.  I never had that.  I would look at family pictures and feel self-conscious because I looked different than everyone else.  When I was younger, I had this feeling that my life was totally random, that if my case number was different or if a prospective set of parents wanted a boy instead of a girl, that my destiny could have been forever altered by very slight changes.  Knowing that there is a God who orders the world and our lives was important to me when I became a Christian, the knowledge that I was put into my family for a reason and that it wasn't a random act of chance.

I'ts been a joy to me to have children for many reasons, but also for the reason that I have people who look like me in my family (although Ben is ALL Chris, with just a touch of Korean).  To say that my daughter has a nose like mine or hair like me.  To look at our family pictures and not have that feeling that I don't look like everyone else.  I've really enjoyed that and am glad that I'm alive to experience it!

devil's advocate & sexual ethics

Got your attention with that title, eh?

I must admit, I love playing devil's advocate. I don't know what it is about it, perhaps it's the exercise of looking at a topic from all angles. Maybe it's because I'm a generally empathetic person and I can see a situation from someone else's vantage point. Maybe it's because I don't love the status quo. Maybe I'm just a jerk who likes to make people mad. Whatever it is, I thrive in being in discussions with people who aren't afraid to think and be challenged and challenge me as well.

Chris & I were talking a few nights ago about proverbs (we're trying to read it together and glean some wisdom), which led us talking about David, which led us to talking about polygamy and taking mistresses. Neither adultery or polygamy seem to be frowned upon much in the Old Testament. In fact, it was pretty much a given. There were various reasons for this (aside from good ol' male hubris) -- women were vulnerable in society with no rights to property and little legal rights. The richer and more powerful the man, the more protected the women were.

However, pretty much every one of the exalted Jewish men in the OT was involved in some kind of sexual sin, from Noah to Abraham to Jacob to David. Of course, there was David's egregious sin with Bathsheba, which is not to be overlooked and for which David and Bathsheba paid with the life of their baby. But, outside of them, not much is said in negative terms in the bible about the sexual sin of the men in the OT (that I can see).

And here's where my devil's advocate comes in: I think Paul is very clear that we are to flee from sexual immorality (not sure on the greek here, but I'm thinking that includes polygamy). And Jesus tells us that if we look on another lustfully, we have committed adultery in our hearts. God said in no uncertain terms in the 10 commandments that adultery was off-limits, so it's not that He was silent on the issue, but apparently no one really took that commandment seriously? What I don't get is that if polygamy/adultery is so bad, then why didn't God do something about it in the OT? Is sexual sin really the worst kind of sin? Should we as Christians really be making as big of a stink as we are about gay marriage?

***For those who know me, you know that I don't endorse polygamy/adultery/sexual sin. In fact, it makes me laugh thinking about Chris trying to have more than just me as a wife! I think I'm handful enough for him as it is :)

Anyhow, I'm interested in your thoughts...

holiday dilemmas

As a child, I loved holidays. I loved the 3 easter baskets I would get (one each from my mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and my paternal grandparents). I loved dying easter eggs, wasn't keen on the easter bunny, but tolerated him well enough. It was a nice, fun, candy-riffic time. Christmas was also fabulous with my maternal grandmother's fudge, lots of presents from my parents and other family (hey, there are advantages of having divorced parents -- double presents definitely ranking at the top). I love Christmas carols, shopping for presents for others, even wrapping presents (a task that I'm not quite as excited about nowadays). I love baking cookies, the tree, the lights, the tv programs (Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, A Charlie Brown Christmas) pretty much everything about it.

One annoyance to me since I became a Christian is how I reconcile these fond childhood memories and my faith. Growing up, Christmas & Easter had very little to do with Jesus for me. As an adult, I have reactionary tendencies where I want to cut out all of those vestiges of secularism from holidays that are meaningful to my faith since they weren't meaningful to me in the ways they should have been. I don't want my children to be confused as we're talking about Jesus coming alive again while they're sitting on the (metaphorical) easter bunny's lap. Or explain Jesus' birth and then ask them what they want from Santa Claus.

But even this provides a conundrum for me -- I want my children to have fond memories of holidays, I want them to have fun and celebrate and look forward to these just as much as I did when I was a kid. My Myers-Briggs profile is ESFJ (extrovert-sensing-feeling-judging) and apparently one of the markers for this combination is that we are family- & tradition-oriented and love to make holidays special and meaningful for our families, which fits me perfectly. I want my kids to have traditions, but I don't know which traditions I want them to have.

So, this morning we hid easter eggs (with candy inside) around the backyard and the kids had a blast finding them. We kept one of the eggs empty and said that it was the "special" egg and then read them the story of the resurrection in Ben's bible (which, if you're looking for a good children's bible, look no further). This seemed to be a good compromise for me. I have a feeling that we'll continue to tweak (and probably get some resurrection eggs) and try to find the right fit for our family.

Book Review - Protecting the Gift

I am generally a fearful person (which is something that God is working on in me). One of my biggest fears about being a parent (and if you have a few hours, I can tell you the 10,423 others) is that someone will abduct one of my children. My friend Rachael lent me this book about a year ago and it really impacted me because it was empowering -- I no longer felt like I was this protective bird trying to fan out my wings far enough to keep any predators from taking my children -- there are things that I can do to proactively protect my kids. Lately I've been thinking more about the techniques he proffers and have been doing them with Ben.

His main theme is that, as mothers, we need to listen to our "wild voice" -- that voice inside of you that senses that you're in danger or that someone is a little "off." I often try to squash or rationalize away that voice "No, I'm sure he's very nice -- he's just a little socially awkward" etc. But we need to listen to that voice that tells us that something is not quite right and believe our children when they say that as well.

One thing that was really reassuring to me was the fact that very few children are simply plucked off of the street. In a stranger abduction, it is more likely that someone tries to strike up a friendly conversation with a frazzled, distracted mother and when they're not looking, they will abduct the child or convince the mother to let them "help." He makes the point that in that situation, you need to say very loudly that you are not interested and to please leave them alone.

This happened recently to me -- the kids and I went downtown to visit Chris and took the el. Unfortunately, the stop that is closest to his work does not have an elevator, so I am laden down with a lightweight stroller & diaper bag slung over my shoulder, Caroline strapped onto me in a mei tai, and holding Ben's hand as we make our way down what feels like hundreds of stairs, but is in reality only 25 or so. And before we can even get down the stairs, we have to go through a revolving door that is not big enough for all 3 of us.

So, here is my circus act coming off of the train and I'm waiting for others to go down so that I can take my time in getting myself & my children down safely. This older man offers to help Ben through the revolving door (he's on the other side and helping Ben push the door), help that I accept, but then have second thoughts when he offers to carry him down the stairs. I'm 95% sure he meant well. But what if he didn't? What if he threw him down the stairs or off of the platform onto the street? What if he took off with him and I wasn't able to catch up? My wild brain conjured up all kinds of scenarios in that split second before I told this stranger "No thank you, I can handle it." He kind of gave me a weird look and then left.

One of my weird quirks is that I am very deferential to strangers. I don't want to insult, offend or hurt anyone's feelings. So, the author's assertion to be rude to people I don't know runs counter to who I am. Telling that man no, even though he most likely just saw a mother with a lot to deal with and wanted to help, was difficult for me, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.

Another thing he makes a point of in this book is that you need to tell your children to talk to strangers. Most of us grew up with the mantra "Don't talk to strangers" or "Find a police officer if you're lost," but as he points out, the likes of Ted Bundy and other serial killers were security guards, who are very difficult to distinguish from police officers to a small child. So, tell your kids to talk to strangers, just teach them which ones they should talk to, i.e., women, especially women with children, as they are the ones most likely to help your child and stay with them until they are found.

So, I have been coaching Benjamin if he ever gets lost that he should find a mommy and tell them: "My name is Ben. I can't find my mommy. Her name is Kindra. Can you help me?" I'm hoping that he never has to use it, but I feel a bit more confident that if he does get lost, I'll be able to find him more quickly. I've also thought about putting my cell phone number on a tag for his clothes. I probably wouldn't do that until we go to Disney or another amusement park.

Even though this book made me cringe and cry (he tells of true stories for children who were abducted and how they were), it was an invaluable resource for me.

google analytics

I have lately been obsessed with Google Analytics. It's an amazing (free!) resource for people who want to track website usage. It gives stats on how many hits your webpage gets, where the hits come from geographically (worldwide), which sites are referring people to your site (or where people come from before they get to your site), which pages on your site are accessed the most, etc. You can filter it by a specific date range, filter your own IP address out, etc.

I love this because it's some of what I did in my first job (the part I liked, that is) and my favorite part of my second job (a job that I really enjoyed all around). I love reports and creating useful information for people, information that makes people's jobs easier or gives them a perspective they didn't have before.

Anyhow, it's worth checking out! It's really easy to do if you have a blogspot blog, if you have a different site, it's a little more complex.