can't win

Lately I've been feeling like I cannot win when it comes to the health of my children.

Disclaimer: my children are very healthy, are seldom sick, have zero allergies (Ben has a touch of seasonal allergy). Chris & I have hearty constitutions as well.

As a mom, I want to do the best for my children. I want to feed them good food, exercise their minds & bodies, and most importantly teach them about God and His love for them. Seems not too difficult, right? Well, here's a typical day and what I feel I'm up against in parentheses:

We wake up around 6:30 am. I go for a run while Chris feeds this kids breakfast, usually chocolate milk (that organic milk was too expensive at $6/gallon last week, so I bought conventional) for Ben, orange juice with calcium for Caroline and non-sugary cereal. I come back from my run and get everyone ready and eat breakfast myself, lately it's been organic yogurt with frozen blueberries, honey & sliced almonds (all non-organic). It's not even 8 am and my family has ingested like 100 pesticides.

I have been trying to limit their TV time to 1 - 2 hours per day, so we go outside to the park so they can run around and not succumb to the childhood obesity epidemic in this country. I put sunscreen on them (crap, I can't find my organic sunscreen and all I have is Aveeno, which I read on the label has ingredients that can cause skin cancer). I guiltily slather some on so they don't get sunburns and head out to the park.

Kids run around and we eat a healthy lunch, which consists of turkey sandwiches (turkey with nitrates and non-organic cheese), pretzels (high fructose corn syrup) or nuts and apples (non-organic, part of the dirty dozen). Go home, Caroline takes a nap and I do a quiet time, take a mini-nap and then start on dinner. Since I've been trying to switch us to a less meat-dependent diet since the way we produce meat in this country is horrendous, so it will be tofu stir-fry (tofu is made of GMO soy and stir fry contains non-organic vegetables). Dessert will be homemade popsicles made with orange, peach (non-organic, on dirty dozen list) & mango juice.

At the end of this day, they've probably consumed thousands of pesticides and exposed to lots of harmful chemicals. We belong to an organic vegetable CSA (which starts in 2 weeks), as well as an organic meat CSA. This is a LOT of money for our one-income family and yet my family is still exposed. Everything on the dirty dozen list are things we eat on a regular basis so converting all of that to organic is going to add $30+/week to our grocery list! I already buy potatoes, lettuce & peppers organic, but can't bring myself to buy organic apples because I don't think they taste as good and have to be imported from Chile and Argentina.

I'm the type of person who worries about what I can't control (i.e., plane crashes, tornadoes and the like) and so I try to control as much as I possibly can in the meantime. But it sometimes seems impossible to control the chemicals and pesticides that go into my family's bodies without spending all of our money. Plus, I think that we eat pretty healthy!

It's frustrating to me as I live in a community where children live off of pop and chips and other junk food. Is it not better to give children fruits and vegetables instead of junk food with zero nutritional value? But then their pesticide level in their bodies goes up as well as most people on food stamps cannot afford organic produce. Heck, most people with middle class incomes can't afford it. Does that mean that good health is restricted to only the wealthy? Food, Inc. gave an alarming statistic that 1 in 3 children born after 1990 will develop type 2 diabetes. If you're a minority living in the inner city, that statistic jumps to 1 in 2.

Boo. The older I get, the more cynical I am about our government (that they actually care about the people and aren't completely beholden to lobbyists -- in this case the food industry), corporations who only care about money and their shareholders and just capitalism in general. I am sick of feeding my children a piece of tofu and worrying that they are going to get cancer! I feel like it's never enough.

Food, Inc.

I recently watched the documentary Food, Inc. and am still processing it and how I want my family to eat and view food differently.

I was shocked and appalled by it while watching. However, after thinking about it for awhile, I've decided that while the truth of it is disturbing, the movie itself is fairly alarmist and meant to be shocking. If you have not seen it, you should! It is important for us to think about how our food is produced and processed, particularly since we are so far removed from the process, unless you are raising your own meat and growing your own vegetables.

One of the particular evils that is being committed is our reliance on corn. Corn by-products are in so many processed foods! Corn is heavily subsidized by our federal government and therefore cheap to produce. Because of its low cost, it is also put in many processed foods instead of sugar or other natural sweeteners (read: high fructose corn syrup). Corn is also fed to chickens, cattle, pigs to fatten them up more quickly for slaughter. So, if corn is being used to fatten up animals, what is this reliance on corn in our food supply doing to us? Fattening US up.

Since corn is just about the only crop we produce and we produce it so cheaply because of these government subsidies, we basically control the world's food supply since other countries cannot compete with us in corn, so they end up importing it from us. This, in turn, makes them vulnerable to oil shocks, due to the cost of shipping the corn overseas, which we saw when oil spiked to $4/gallon, which it is also forecasted to hit again this summer. There were food riots around the world because of the shortages. So, we continue to get fatter while the rest of the world starves.

So, what this means for our family is me trying to cut the corn syrup and other by-products out of our diet. I've been making my own sandwich bread and significantly cutting down on our snack foods and making substitutions, for example -- instead of pretzels and chips, snacking on nuts. If we want cookies or other treats, I'm making them from scratch. I'm blessed with a son who loves vegetables and accepts those as a substitute. I'm reading the labels -- not perfectly since shopping with 2 children isn't the most efficient way to shop. I don't want to be crazy about it, but I think this is a good next step for us to take as far as healthier eating.

Anyone else seen Food, Inc.? thoughts?

the elderly & immigration

My grandmother recently fractured her pelvis as a result of a fall. She couldn't walk and is in a lot of pain, but seems to be recovering. She's in a rehabilitation center/nursing home for anywhere from 6 to 12 weeks, and while she's unhappy there and would rather be home, she seems to be getting good care from attentive and kind staff.

I went to visit her this past weekend and while I was walking through the antiseptic corridors, I couldn't help but think that: (1) getting old is hard; (2) I'm going to have to go through this, or something akin to it, in about 25-30 years; (3) the effects of modern medicine on our society; and (4) who is paying for all of this?

In regards to thought (3), I recently watched a Frontline episode on this man who traveled to Germany to commit assisted suicide. He was suffering from Lou Gehrig's disease that had left him a paraplegic. He still had full presence of mind, but his body was failing and he did not want to end up with a mind fully intact and a body that was not. To his detractors, he made the point that if not for modern medicine, he would already be dead as the only way he was currently alive was because of the respirator that he was on day and night. While I disagree with the decision he made to end his own life, I do wonder about modern medicine and how God sees it. I think that in many, if not most, ways modern medicine is a miracle that God has allowed to happen. There have been countless numbers of people whose lives have been saved because of modern medicine. There are many people's lives who depend on prescription drugs in order to stay alive and those numbers swell as people get older.

Because we can keep people alive longer (which is a good thing! I have all 4 of my grandparents and am so blessed to have them), our population is aging at an alarming rate. I was recently listening to Robert Reich in a segment on Marketplace (one of my favorite NPR shows) and was incredulous to learn that 30 years ago, there were 5 workers for every retiree. In a few decades, there will be 2 workers for every retiree. Though it's not in the article, there are currently 3 workers for every retiree.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this is unsustainable. His solution? Get immigrants paying into social security. Immigrants tend to be young and have many children, which will get more workers paying into the system.

I personally have never seen the social security taxes that were taken out of my paycheck as something for me -- I've always seen them as something for those currently retired. I don't honestly expect to see any of that money in my elderly years. I'm glad that my grandparents have it and that my parents, most likely will. I think I need to plan on having lots of kids to take care of me in my old age (that and careful retirement planning now)!

Sunday Night Dinner

A few weeks ago, Chris & I took a trip to Washington D.C. (sans kids!) to do some sightseeing, visit with friends and refresh and recharge after Chris finished his Masters degree requirements, after 6 long years.

One of the friends we stayed with are friends of mine from college that we've hung out with quite a bit. It was great to see them and see how their family with 3 children worked in contrast to ours. One thing that they did that we really enjoyed was "Sunday Night Dinner." My one friend has choir practice around dinner time, which left her husband in charge of dinner. He can cook, but with 3 little ones around, found it difficult, so started a tradition of popping popcorn, cutting up cheese, apples & vegetables and putting out crackers or bread. They ate it in the living room and then played games afterwards. Their kids loved it, it was easy and a fun family tradition.

Chris & I decided to incorporate this idea into our family. In addition to the reasons above, I love the idea of not cooking one night, having one less meal to plan, and it also gives our kids a sense of the principle of Sabbath rest (something we're admittedly not good at). We have done it for 2 Sundays now (well, one Sunday was Easter, so we did it the Saturday before) and it's something they are already looking forward to.

"It's the End of the World As We Know It...

...and I feel fine." - Michael Stipe, REM

While I'm sure that Mr. Stipe did not pen those words with his eternal future secure, they ring somewhat true to me because mine is.

With each earthquake that I hear about this year (3 significant ones in 3 months -- Haiti, Chile & Turkey, as well as one off of the coast of Hawaii). And we're only in the beginning of March! And, if you think back even over the last 15 years, there have been tsunamis, hurricanes and a multitude of other natural disasters. I can't say for certain that there have been MORE natural disasters in the last 15 years than in the previous ones, but there have been quite a few.

Here's what the Gospel of Luke (Chapter 21) has to say about the end of the world (emphasis mine):

⁸He replied: "Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and, 'The time is near.' Do not follow them. ⁹When you hear of wars and revolutions, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away."

¹⁰Then he said to them: "Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. ¹¹There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.

¹²"But before all this, they will lay hands on you and persecute you. They will deliver you to synagogues and prisons, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name. ¹³This will result in your being witnesses to them. ¹⁴But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. ¹⁵For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. ¹⁶You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death. ¹⁷All men will hate you because of me. ¹⁸But not a hair of your head will perish. ¹⁹By standing firm you will gain life.

²⁰"When you see Jerusalem being surrounded by armies, you will know that its desolation is near. ²¹Then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains, let those in the city get out, and let those in the country not enter the city. ²²For this is the time of punishment in fulfillment of all that has been written. ²³How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! There will be great distress in the land and wrath against this people. ²⁴They will fall by the sword and will be taken as prisoners to all the nations. Jerusalem will be trampled on by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.

²⁵"There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. ²⁶Men will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken. ²⁷At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. ²⁸When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near."

There's a lot of scholarship surrounding this and I won't pretend that I've read it all or understand this at all. I think there is compelling evidence that some of these events have happened already, such as the sack of Jerusalem in AD 70 that destroyed the temple (v.20-24). Verses 12-19 seem to point to the martyrdom of the disciples to whom Jesus is speaking, but I certainly would not rule out that he's talking to Christians and the persecution we will endure.

While I firmly believe that this is what's going to happen and am trying to watch for it, I can't help but be a little fearful, though Jesus does exhort us to not be afraid in v.9 (and then in v. 20 acknowledges that we will be terrified). I confess that I am a little scared of all of this. I fear for my children -- what is to become of them? I believe that I will be raptured, or "caught up in the air" as a believer in Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:17. Whether that happens before or after the tribulation, I am unsure (please God, let it be before!). But, if it happens before, what happens to my children? They know about Jesus, but they are too young to understand what it means to really put their faith in Him. Will they be left here?

My children have lately been listening to Steve Green whom I very much recommend if you're interested in helping your kids memorize bible verses. At the tender age of 2, Caroline is already reciting several bible verses just from listening to this CD! Anyhow, one of the verses is Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid I will trust in you." As in all things, I have to trust that God is good, gracious, merciful & kind and that He has it all worked out in advance.

4.5 weeks in...

...and I've learned a LOT.

• I always thought that we ate fairly healthy. We eat a fair amount of organic food, lots of vegetables and have even started to eat more vegetarian in the past year. However, I've been proved wrong, at least where fat and calories are concerned.
  
• My portions used to be gigantic!
• My stomach has shrunk considerably in the last 4 1/2 weeks
• Writing down everything you eat creates a disincentive to put just anything in your mouth
  
• I appreciate my food a lot more these days
• I forgot what being hungry for my food actually was until 4 1/2 weeks ago
  
• I have way more energy when I eat less food, which is counter-intuitive
• My husband is incredibly supportive, even though he would look malnourished if he lost any weight
• Annoyingly, my kids want to eat my food, particularly if I have methodically portioned it
• I really like how Weight Watchers allows you to budget your food -- you can eat whatever you want, you just have to save them up by eating healthier to account for it
• If I'm given an incentive to exercise (like the ability to eat more food), I will exercise consistently
• After I hit my goal weight and my subscription has ended, I think I'm going to try to eat well for most of the week and then not worry about it for 1 or 2 days out of the week

Overall, it's going well and I am really enjoying it, even though measuring out all of your food gets pretty old. I only have 5 more lbs until I hit my goal weight!

I started Weight Watchers this week. I have told a few people and the reaction is always the same "Why? You don't need to lose weight." Well, since weaning Caroline, I have gained about 5 lbs, 5 lbs that I'd like to lose again , plus a little extra as long as I'm paying for it :) When I'm nursing, I can eat whatever I want and lose weight. Unfortunately, since weaning, I have eaten whatever I want and put a few extra pounds on. I don't even really know how much I'm *supposed* to be eating (portion control is not my forte), and I'm hoping this will help me with that as well.

This is the first official "diet" (though I loathe that term) that I've been on. When I was in high school and always thought that I was fat (and when I look at pictures of myself in high school, I can't believe I ever thought that), I would put myself on a restricted diet whereby I would not allow myself to eat more than 10 grams of fat per day. I was also on the morning sickness diet, unwittingly. I've always had a negative body image, even when I was thin. I remember when I was 12 years old that I would watch the Miss America pageant and compare my prepubescent body to theirs and feel fat as a result.

I do not want to pass this negative body image onto my own daughter. So, I'm hesitant to do this in the first place, but I think that getting to a healthy weight and getting better eating habits will serve us all well. We eat pretty healthy as a family, with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, but we also use a lot of butter and full-fat dairy, so I should be more mindful of those things.

I am also doing this with my Mom, which I think will help motivate us both! It always helps me to do difficult things with other people, this or working out. Does anyone who has done Weight Watchers have any tips for me? I'm seeing how there is a very strong incentive to work out because of the extra food you can eat. I'd welcome any tips or recipes!

Marriage

Jesus in response to the Pharisee's attempt to trap him (in a pretty ridiculous hypothetical situation, if you ask me) by asking him about the 7-times widowed, childless woman in Mark 12:18-25:

Is this not the reason you are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God? For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven. (v. 24-25)

It has always struck me as odd that the American church has SO many ministries specifically devoted to families and marriage, particularly the largest, wealthiest and most politically influential ministries. Why is that? Certainly marriage and family is important, there's no denying that. But, if marriage to our current spouse isn't something that we will have in heaven, why so much focus, emphasis, energy and money spent specifically on it?

Wouldn't it be better if we were more focused on eternity? Wouldn't that help our marriages perhaps MORE than what we are currently doing now? This is not a rhetorical question, I'd love some feedback on it.

Parenthood has been the point in my life where I've been able to most understand God's commands. Well, as much as my puny pea-brain can possibly understand that which is so infinitely higher and greater than myself. A few examples:

• I now more fully understand why God commands us to love one another. BK (Before kids), it wasn't something I thought about, it was just something that I was commanded to do. Now, I understand the reasoning behind it. It makes me crazy when my children fight. And it melts my heart when they are intentionally kind and loving towards one another. The latter is a joy to me.
  

• God doesn't want us to use filthy language because it makes us sound stupid. Lately, Ben has been saying "poopy" "fart" "butt" indiscriminately, i.e., "You're poopy." "I'm a fart." What a waste of breath and words. I can only imagine how He feels when we cuss up and down.
  


• I see now more fully how ridiculous it is to say that you love God but don't obey Him. Ben tells me at least four times per day that he loves me, unprompted. It's very very sweet and I cherish hearing it because I know that it won't last forever. However, he also does things that are disrespectful or disobedient at least four times per day, thereby showing me that, while I do believe he loves me, it would be much better if he showed me that he loved me by obeying.

Now, of course, I can't extend this very far as I'm not holy and God is, so slights against me are miniscule in comparison to sin against Him. However, I'm grateful for the exortation to myself to pursue godliness in an enlightened state of understanding.

'tis the season...

With the holidays come and gone and with my children in the beginning stages of being able to remember our holiday traditions, I start to wonder "Am I doing enough to make the holiday special for them? Do they understand that it's about more than just presents? Will it matter to them that we make a gingerbread house every year? Will they remember me making homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning? Will they love Christmas music as much as I did as a child (and still do)?"

I have very fond memories of Christmas as a child. We always celebrated Christmas Eve at my mom's family and received a few presents there. My grandmother made her homemade fudge and we had lots of appetizers. It was always a comfortable place where I felt safe & loved. We would come home and open one gift and then go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come and fill our stockings and put out the rest of our presents.

On Christmas Day we would wake up and open presents and stockings (stocking presents were my favorite) and have a laid-back day until my dad came to get me and my brother around noon. We'd then go to his house and open presents with he & my stepmom.

I'm a tradition-oriented person. I like traditions and want to create some for my own family. We decided after we had Ben that we were going to be home for Christmas Day so that our children could wake up in their own house and enjoy Christmas morning here since our families are all 4-6 hours away. There are some years that I regret that decision because I miss the Christmas Eve celebration with my family. This year, happily, we were able to have Christmas Eve dinner with friends from Chicago who happened to stay this year to the birth of their baby a few weeks before. We were able to have a large festive with them and some of their family who were in town. But many years it is just our family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day (we then leave to see family afterwards).

Some holiday traditions that we have:
-listening to Christmas music pretty much non-stop between Thanksgiving and Christmas
-making a gingerbread house
-making & decorating Christmas cookies
-advent calendar
-advent devotional (need to be better about this with the kids)
-homemade cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning
-picking out "birthday presents for Jesus" in the World Vision catalog

It's a truism that we don't see the fruit of much of our labor until our children are older. I don't know if I'll see whether or not I was successful with imparting the special nature of the season to my kids until they are grown and start implementing traditions of their own.

My Decade in Review

As the 2000's come to a close (how do you say that grammatically? The "aughts"? The "zero's"?), it's caused me to reflect on the decade that saw the most important and lasting transitions of my life. A one-phrase summary for each year:

2000 - homesick
2001 - courted by Chris
2002 - engagement
2003 - entering into holy matrimony
2004 - buying our first house
2005 - welcoming our first child
2006 - sleepless in Chicago
2007 - welcoming our second child
2008 - transitioning into a family of four
2009 - comfortable in my own skin

I like to see this decade as the one in which God has borne fruit in me. I think of the 1990's as the decade in which I was searching for my identity and found it in Christ. I see the 2000's as the decade in which my new identity has begun to flesh itself out.

Places I went on vacation (or was there for a wedding or a missions trip) this decade:
-Paris
-London
-Bath, England
-Kauai
-Maui
-Banff, Alberta
-Wisconsin Dells
-Washington DC
-Bar Harbor, Maine
-St. Louis
-Augusta, Georgia
-Denver
-Columbus, Ohio
-Harare, Zimbabwe (incidentally, I was there over 9/11 -- crazy story)
-New York City
-New Jersey
-Philadelphia

I anticipate traveling less in this upcoming decade, or at least to less exotic destinations, though perhaps if we end up adopting internationally, I'll have at least one opportunity to use my passport....

Happy New Decade to all!

an exercise in humility

I ran my first 5K in 10+ years today. It was with the young women in the youth program at Breakthrough Urban Ministries. We ran in a race with an organization called Girls on the Run, who exists to empower and enrich young girls' lives by involving them in a running program, culminating in a 5K race. All of the Breakthrough girls did a fabulous job! I was really proud of them and their good attitudes and desire to finish the race.

I was not able to be as involved as I would have liked to have been. Fall is a nutty time in our household, particularly the weekends. The girls (and adult volunteers) ran on Saturday mornings, which were hard for me to make. I made it to the last run before the race last Saturday and a particular girl, Sheniece (not her real name) latched onto me. She's a very nice girl who I enjoy talking with, but let's just say that she's not the fastest runner in the group. I had to prod her through most of the training that day (2 miles) and pretty much through the entire race, egging her on to catch up to me, or to run to the next stop sign, etc.

This was very much a struggle for me. I knew going into this race that we were most likely going to be the last ones to cross the finish line out of all of the groups in Breakthrough. I am very competitive by nature -- I can lose gracefully, but I don't like it. And I didn't like the idea of being the last one in when I could have (and would have preferred to) run the entire 3.1 miles and turn in a "good" time (though I'm a pretty slow runner, truth be told). Instead, it took us 55 minutes to finish. This wasn't an official timed race, so there were no winners -- the premise is that everyone who crosses the finish line is a winner. Particularly seeing where these girls started 2 months ago (I did make it to the first practice) and most, including Sheniece, could barely run/walk the .75 miles that the first week required.

However, I realized the week before the race that I'm not running for ME or any perceived glory that I would get by crossing the finish line in 35 minutes. I wasn't running this for me. I was running it for these girls. I was running for Sheniece. I wanted her to finish, I was there to be an encouragement and help for her. It didn't matter if Sheniece & I finished last. What mattered was that I humbled myself to help & encourage her, even if I had a few frustrating moments when I just wanted to finish the race and take off without her.

We were the slowest in our team as I had imagined, but it didn't bother me as much as I thought it might. I was so proud of her resilient spirit and that she never once broached the subject of giving up. In fact, our entire group did a great job and had wonderful attitudes. I saw one girl in another team sit down with 1/4 mile left to go. I saw another girl (9 years old, maybe?) literally cling to the fence screaming "I want to go home!! I want to go home!!" and her father (I think) had to pull her off of the fence and carry her!

I can't wait for next year's race! And my appetite for another race (in which I will actually be able to run the entire thing) is definitely whetted...

marriage vs. parenthood

Our church is conducting a 6 week marriage class this fall. We just completed week 5. It's given us some good things to think about and talk through. While it's not perfect, I think that Chris & I have a really good marriage. We are well-suited to each other in many ways, particularly in the way that we think and view the world. We didn't have that difficult first year that many people talk about, in fact our first year of marriage was one of the most fun. We had a difficult engagement, so perhaps that was why?

As a result of this marriage class, our church started a marriage blog that has some interesting thoughts/questions/ideas about marriage (and we are the featured wedding picture this time :)). This post is asking the question about whether marriage makes you happy or holy. I have been thinking about this question lately as it applies to my own marriage. Before I got married, I didn't expect to be happy. Not in the long term, at least. It had nothing to do with Chris -- it more had to do with what I was reading and listening to, as well as my own parents divorcing when I was young. Everything was about how much work marriage was and how you shouldn't look to your spouse to fulfill you and how you will wake up one morning and not even like the person sleeping next to you. While these things can be true, it painted a pretty bleak picture for me.

So my bar was set very low for marriage and it's FAR exceeded my expectations. The thing that has worked to make me holy is my children. I think that all of those things that people warned me about marriage applies to children for me. Parenting is MUCH more difficult for me, much more of a refining process than marriage. Yes, my children are most certainly a blessing, but they are so much work, much more than my marriage!! At least in my marriage, it's a two-way street. Parenthood often feels like a one-way street, especially with my son telling me today (out of nowhere) "I don't like you, Mom." :( It's definitely taught me a lot about servanthood, patience, my own selfishness, and my need for Jesus.

These things might flip-flop throughout my life, when parenting seems easier and marriage seems harder at the time. But in the season of life we're in right now, parenthood definitely wins in the sanctification category!

missing children

So, I've mentioned on this blog before that one of my biggest fears is that one of my children will be abducted. On Saturday night, a flyer was tucked into our door informing us of a missing girl, 15 years old, with her picture and pertinent information on her. She was last seen a few days ago and hasn't been heard from since.

Then, I pick up a Chicago Tribune this morning (from Friday's edition -- we have a bunch of Tribs lying around, long story), and read about Yasmin Acree, another West Side girl who hasn't been seen or heard from in almost 2 years.

What struck me as appalling in the article was that the police and detectives automatically assumed that because a teenage girl is African-American and lives in my neighborhood that she ran off with her boyfriend and that she'll be back. They didn't even gather evidence at her house when they answered the initial call! Would those same assumptions be made of a white teenage girl from Winnetka whose lock was found cut and evidence of forced entry apparent? I really don't think so. I think that would be front page news (see: Elizabeth Smart), it would be on all of the tv news (and maybe even national) and there would be candlelight vigils all over Winnetka.

This is just wrong.

long time no blog

So I've been absent for a loooong time. In fact, my blog tells me it's been 2 1/2 months since I've last posted. It's not for lack of things to write about -- in fact in some ways it's because I have too much to write about and don't know where to start. I've been reading a lot, and with the start of cool weather, the desire to knit has superseded the desire to blog. Those are all of my excuses! I can't guarantee that I'll keep up with this more regularly, but I'll try.

Maybe a good place to restart would be some short book reviews of things I've read recently:

Team of Rivals


Excellent book about Abraham Lincoln and his Cabinet. Lincoln was not a "yes" man -- he wanted the best people around him, even the ones who didn't agree with him. It was very interesting to see how almost everyone that he selected for his Cabinet did not think he was suited for the office of the President of the United States (because of his low birth, humble beginnings, little formal education), but they all save one ended up respecting and giving him their unswerving loyalty. I came away from this book with a new regard of Abraham Lincoln as a person.

Olive Kitteridge


I went through a phase a few years ago of wanting to read Pulitzer Prize Winning books, so I checked the list for this year, and this book won it for fiction. I put it on hold at the library and waited a LONG time for it. I did enjoy it, but it was somewhat dark and depressing. I had the feeling of peeking into someone's life through both their windows and their friends & family's windows seeing every facet of their being. Very well written and engrossing, but I didn't love it, partially because Olive, the main character, is a difficult character to love.

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society


A friend of mine recommended this book to me and after my 2,000+ pages of presidential biographies (Truman and Lincoln) and somewhat depressing novel, I needed a bit of a break. This was a very quick read, definitely on the chick lit side, but not entirely. It's written in the form of people writing letters to each other. It's set in England in the 1940's, right after WWII. There were some interesting things in there for history buffs (yours truly) to make it seem not quite so marshmallow fluff-esque, but it was a wonderful read with a great ending.

an inconvenient truth

We have this movie in our Blockbuster queue, but haven't watched it yet :) Nevertheless, I'm learning more and more that inconvenience is part of the Christian life and that I think God actually wants it that way! Let me explain...

I, like most people, dislike being inconvenienced. It screws up my day/week, I can't get what I had planned done (or at least can't get it done in the time frame that I want it done), I have to expend more of my energy to handle the inconvenience, whether it's caused by road construction, someone needing my help, someone needing my husband's help, etc. It often leads to me giving up some of my free time for someone else's needs or purposes. As a stay-at-home mom who gets precious little free time throughout the day, I guard my time to myself with the utmost vigilance!

However, I'm learning more that inconvenience needs to be a part of my life, that I need to be willing, and cheerfully willing, to inconvenience myself in order to love other people. I think that's what we're called to as Christians. It's the refusal to give into our selfish inclination to make life about us and our needs and wants and instead to consider others better than ourselves.

For me, this is a hard lesson. I am selfish to the core, though God has used my children to beat the selfishness out of me! I still cling stubbornly to that last bit of self-absorption that I need to just give up already. I need to remind myself of the people that I know who refuse to be put out and the destructive effects on their relationships through it. I'm glad that God doesn't leave us to wallow in our sin, that, as believers, He provides a way out of it.

Book Review - Truman

I have a backlog of book reviews that I'd like to do, but I'll do the most recently read one first since it's freshest in my mind. I started reading this book when I was pregnant with my oldest child but for whatever reason (probably because of my diminished mental capacity as a pregnant woman) I didn't really get into it. I picked it up again on a friend's recommendation and I'm glad I did.

First off, I love biographies/history books. And David McCullough is truly a national treasure. He writes as a novelist, but doesn't use rhetorical flourishes or makes his voice the primary one in his books (at least in the 2 that I've read). Many will be initimidated by the sheer girth of the book (1,000+ pages in all), but don't let that discourage you. It is a relatively quick read and you'll find yourself not wanting to put it down.

Harry S. Truman was truly an extraordinary man and president. He came from humble beginnings (he didn't go to college), ascended to the highest office, and spent his whole life in service to his country. He did what he thought was the right thing, regardless of popular opinion or popularity polls and history has proved him correct in many of those things. There's a quote by Mark Twain that I really liked and summed him up well:

"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest."

Another striking quote that tells a lot about our current state of politics comes from a letter from his Secretary of State, Dean Acheson to Truman in reference to the Kennedy administration in regards to Kennedy's preoccupation with "image":

"This is a terrible weakness. It makes one look at oneself instead of at the problem. How will I look fielding this hot line drive to short stop? This is a good way to miss the ball altogether. I am amazed looking back to how far you were from this. I don't remember a case where you stopped to think of the effect on your fortunes - or the party's for that matter - of a decision in foreign policy."

Oh, how I wish our current politicians felt this way!!

I came away from this book wishing that our culture wrote more letters and kept diaries/journals versus blogs (guilty as charged -- I used to write in a diary daily until I got to college). McCullough was able to write this book because of the confluence of personal correspondance that Truman wrote in a diary and to the people in his life and that they wrote in return (all of which is archived in the Truman Library in Independence, Missouri). Actual letters take time & will to sit down and write, you have the opportunity to be thoughtful and reflective and it is more likely to write something meaningful than our culture of quickie emails, twittering and texting. It's interesting as we've become a more efficient society that we've become way less personal and communication is often reduced to "lol" or "ttyl". From a historical standpoint, having electronic documents and correspondance is convenient from a storage-wise, but I wonder how much of it will actually be useful in figuring out what a person's character is and what their thoughts & feelings about a specific situation are.

I also learned more about the Korean war than I ever have. I never realized how many lives were lost (mostly Korean, but also many American lives). My stepfather served in the Korean war and it gave me a greater appreciation for his service. It also makes me wonder about my biological family and the impact that it had on them.

This book is making my Top 10 list. If you are so inclined, pick it up! You'll be smarter for it.

*that* mom, part 2

So I fleshed out some of my comments in a previous post a few days ago.

Ben had his first soccer lesson on Thursday and he fought me tooth & nail on going to it. So much whining about not wanting to go and wanting to stay at home that I finally yelled at him to cut it out and that there are many kids whose mommies and daddies don't let them do anything fun and that he should be thankful and stop whining. That finally got him to stop, but he was still pouting and walking very slowly on the way to the field. I told him he had a choice to either participate and be happy or we're going home and he's sitting in his room for the rest of the day. A little background on my seemingly harsh reaction -- we had him in a swimming class over the winter and he refused to participate and was easily the most uncooperative child in the class. I get that he was afraid of some of the things they were doing, so we didn't push him too much, but there were several times when he decided to pout instead of trying something new.

When we got to the field (Wicker Park), there were about 6 other kids in his class and he was doing the first couple of things half-heartedly, which made me even madder. Finally though, he got engaged in what they were doing and ended up having fun -- he asked me afterwards when his next soccer class was and I told him in 7 days and he said "how about 1 day?"

I hate to be so demanding with him, but I also don't want him thinking he can go through life and only do what he wants to do at that given moment, and also that he doesn't ever have to challenge himself or try new things, especially when it's something that I know that he would like. The instructors were great with him and had a lot of fun things for the kids to do.

I struggle with knowing how much to push him through his fears or just plain stubbornness. I understand that he might be scared or reluctant to do new things. But I have coached kids who have flatly refused to do anything that they don't want to do and refuse to push themselves at any level, kids who are basically uncoachable. There are different reasons for that behavior, but my kid has no such excuse as abuse, poverty, broken home, lack of parental involvement, drugs, alcohol, violence, etc.

I don't care if my kids are the fastest, strongest, most talented kids on the field. I just want them to give their best effort.

Breakthrough Urban Ministries

rae_anna46 asked me to comment on Breakthrough Urban Minstries and the work that God has been doing through them. They recently just finished a new building that houses homeless men, as well as serving as administrative office space, meeting space, job training, etc. Their next project is building a youth and family center almost kitty corner from our house which will have a gym, computer lab, a medical clinic, and I've heard rumblings about a school that will be housed there. That is not a comprehensive list, but this is what I've heard through the grapevine...

Our primary involvement with Breakthrough these days is through Ben's attendance at their preschool. We were very very happy with his preschool. The quality of care & instruction is excellent and Chris & I both feel that Ben thrived there. He learned a lot academically but it was also really good for him to befriend children who are different from him and yet his peers and for us to be able to talk through those issues with him. I was able to help categorize the preschool books for the classroom and hope to be able to help out more now that Caroline isn't taking a morning nap.

Chris is still helping to coach the youth soccer team, though we've talked recently about him taking a break until Ben starts playing. He's been coaching for 6 years and I think he could use a sabbatical from it.

Okay, kids are both crying...

*that* mom

My husband, the kids and I were recently at a park about a 5 minute drive from our house.  We fed the ducks and then the kids wanted to go to the playground, so we headed in that direction.  Across from the playground, a little league baseball game was occurring and I couldn't take my eyes off of it.  The boys were probably about 10 years old and both teams seemed to be well coached and disciplined.  I found myself standing there and realizing how strongly I wanted to be sitting there watching my son in the game.  

Before I had kids, one of the things that I most looked forward to was trucking them to all of their sports and sitting in the stands and cheering them on.  Playing sports was of such import to my childhood that the thought that they might not be interested in sports was never seriously entertained, particularly as my husband was also involved in many sports growing up.

I was always somewhat of a tomboy growing up.  Some of my earliest memories included a large red plastic bat and a proportionally large white plastic ball that my father would throw to me underhand, imploring me to hit it and showing me the correct posture and motions when I wouldn't.  I learned to catch and throw at an early age and have never once been accused of "throwing like a girl."  I played soccer until I got into high school and then softball and soccer were in the same seasons and I chose the former.  

I really would like my children to play sports.  Yes, I want them to play for health benefits (which seems to be much of the focus these days to counteract childhood obesity), but I want them to play because I think sports has much to teach children about working as a team, discipline, integrity, and character.  I would love for them to play baseball/softball (my first love), but I am also very conscious of not pigeon-holing them into what I want them to do instead of letting them develop their own interests and gifts.  And, of course, it's possible that they won't want to do any of it (though we will give them ample exposure and opportunity), in which case I will allow them to pursue the activity that they want to do.

I don't want to be that parent who lives vicariously through their child and is screaming at coaches to put her kid in or pushes her child to the point that they are not enjoying themselves any longer.  I want my kids to develop their God-given abilities, whether that is art, music, drama (I have a good deal of certainty that particular one is not my son's gift), athletics, or all of the above.  I'm excited to get to know better what their interests actually are.  It does seem that my son enjoys sports so far, so I'm hopeful that I'll be attending those baseball games after all.

Of course, I do have plans to groom Ben to be a professional soccer player in Europe in order to get my husband to finally go there with me.  But, if he doesn't make it that far, maybe I can still convince Chris to take me to Europe anyhow :)

proverbs, part 1

In an effort to be a better mother, I've been going through the Book of Proverbs lately, wanting to glean some wisdom for parenting and life in general.  I've not been disappointed, not that I expected to be disappointed in the Word of God!  I love the practicality in the proverbs -- I'm a "tell me what to do and I'll do it" kind of person, so I very much appreciate that aspect of the book as much of the rest of the bible is precepts and theory, which can sometimes be a challenge for me as I try to live out my faith.

I'm only through the first 18 chapters, so this isn't a comprehensive list, but I want to put down my thoughts before I forget them.

  

A few general observations from the first 9 chapters:

• Solomon exhorts his son(s) over and over in the first 9 chapters about heeding his words and instruction [main theme]
• The warnings against the forbidden woman are numerous and detailed
• Wisdom is to be pursued and loved -- there are manifold benefits to be gained from her
• Those who are happy in their ignorance are scorned

A few proverbs that have stuck out to me (chapters 10-14):

• Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. (3:27)  How often do I put off doing something thoughtful or kind for someone and then forget about it?  Or am just too lazy to get off my behind and do something nice for my husband or kids?  This is definitely something I want to teach my children.
• Do not plan evil against your neighbor, who dwells trustingly beside you. (3:29)  This is in contrast to Jesus' command to love your neighbor as yourself.
• Do not contend with a man for no reason, when he has done you no harm. (3:30)  This is especially pertinent to me, when the kids are on my last nerve, I can sometimes take it out on my husband because I don't want to take it out on them!  
• There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him:  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers. (6:16-19)  I think these are great verses to teach children -- pretty much sums up the life that I DON'T want my kids to live.
• Do not desire her beauty in your heart, and do not let her caputre you with her eyelashes; for the price of a prostitute is only a loaf of bread, but a married woman hunts down a precious life. (6:25-26)  A good verse that can be used to talk to them about sexual purity and the value of marriage.
• Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. (12:1)  Probably not the best verse to give to them after a spanking (because really, who loves to be spanked?), but the precept is good to instill into them.
• One pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth. (13:7)  My brother-in-law once told me that when you don't have money, you want to buy things that make you feel like you do, even if you don't have the money for it.  
• Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools with suffer harm. (13:20)  An excellent verse to talk about and memorize before starting school!
• The fallow ground of the poor would yield much food, but it is swept away through injustice. (13:23)  How much "food" would the poor yield if they were given the opportunities that the rich have (i.e., education, healthcare, etc.)?

better off dead?

One of the most offensive things to me, as an adoptee, is when someone on the pro-choice side insinuates that adoptees would rather be dead than adopted.  This happens more than you may think.  It normally comes up during the course of a debate when the pro-life side brings up that  choosing adoption is also a choice -- and the pro-"choice" side inevitably brings up their one adopted friend that they know who doesn't like their parents (because all biological children like their parents???) and they extrapolate from their friend's experience that adoption is not a good choice.

I was reading a facebook group discussion about abortion around the time of the presidential election (I think it was either an anti-partial birth abortion group or the Fight FOCA group) and this very subject came up and this ignorant person brought up this argument.  It bugged me at the time, but it's been needling me ever since that there are people who think that adoptees would rather be dead than adopted and they think that this is a rational, cohesive argument for abortion?

I, for one, am glad that I was born.  I'm glad that my biological mother made the hard decision to give me life.  I don't know the circumstances of my adoption, but I'm thankful for the life that I have.  I had really good adoptive parents, but they weren't perfect, but I don't know many biological children who think their parents were either.

I will say that there are things that adoptive children do miss out on, and many do feel a sense of loss and have a difficult time getting over it (though I did not).  I remember my best friend growing up always commenting on how she had her dad's feet & nose and her mom's hair.  I never had that.  I would look at family pictures and feel self-conscious because I looked different than everyone else.  When I was younger, I had this feeling that my life was totally random, that if my case number was different or if a prospective set of parents wanted a boy instead of a girl, that my destiny could have been forever altered by very slight changes.  Knowing that there is a God who orders the world and our lives was important to me when I became a Christian, the knowledge that I was put into my family for a reason and that it wasn't a random act of chance.

I'ts been a joy to me to have children for many reasons, but also for the reason that I have people who look like me in my family (although Ben is ALL Chris, with just a touch of Korean).  To say that my daughter has a nose like mine or hair like me.  To look at our family pictures and not have that feeling that I don't look like everyone else.  I've really enjoyed that and am glad that I'm alive to experience it!

devil's advocate & sexual ethics

Got your attention with that title, eh?

I must admit, I love playing devil's advocate. I don't know what it is about it, perhaps it's the exercise of looking at a topic from all angles. Maybe it's because I'm a generally empathetic person and I can see a situation from someone else's vantage point. Maybe it's because I don't love the status quo. Maybe I'm just a jerk who likes to make people mad. Whatever it is, I thrive in being in discussions with people who aren't afraid to think and be challenged and challenge me as well.

Chris & I were talking a few nights ago about proverbs (we're trying to read it together and glean some wisdom), which led us talking about David, which led us to talking about polygamy and taking mistresses. Neither adultery or polygamy seem to be frowned upon much in the Old Testament. In fact, it was pretty much a given. There were various reasons for this (aside from good ol' male hubris) -- women were vulnerable in society with no rights to property and little legal rights. The richer and more powerful the man, the more protected the women were.

However, pretty much every one of the exalted Jewish men in the OT was involved in some kind of sexual sin, from Noah to Abraham to Jacob to David. Of course, there was David's egregious sin with Bathsheba, which is not to be overlooked and for which David and Bathsheba paid with the life of their baby. But, outside of them, not much is said in negative terms in the bible about the sexual sin of the men in the OT (that I can see).

And here's where my devil's advocate comes in: I think Paul is very clear that we are to flee from sexual immorality (not sure on the greek here, but I'm thinking that includes polygamy). And Jesus tells us that if we look on another lustfully, we have committed adultery in our hearts. God said in no uncertain terms in the 10 commandments that adultery was off-limits, so it's not that He was silent on the issue, but apparently no one really took that commandment seriously? What I don't get is that if polygamy/adultery is so bad, then why didn't God do something about it in the OT? Is sexual sin really the worst kind of sin? Should we as Christians really be making as big of a stink as we are about gay marriage?

***For those who know me, you know that I don't endorse polygamy/adultery/sexual sin. In fact, it makes me laugh thinking about Chris trying to have more than just me as a wife! I think I'm handful enough for him as it is :)

Anyhow, I'm interested in your thoughts...

holiday dilemmas

As a child, I loved holidays. I loved the 3 easter baskets I would get (one each from my mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and my paternal grandparents). I loved dying easter eggs, wasn't keen on the easter bunny, but tolerated him well enough. It was a nice, fun, candy-riffic time. Christmas was also fabulous with my maternal grandmother's fudge, lots of presents from my parents and other family (hey, there are advantages of having divorced parents -- double presents definitely ranking at the top). I love Christmas carols, shopping for presents for others, even wrapping presents (a task that I'm not quite as excited about nowadays). I love baking cookies, the tree, the lights, the tv programs (Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, A Charlie Brown Christmas) pretty much everything about it.

One annoyance to me since I became a Christian is how I reconcile these fond childhood memories and my faith. Growing up, Christmas & Easter had very little to do with Jesus for me. As an adult, I have reactionary tendencies where I want to cut out all of those vestiges of secularism from holidays that are meaningful to my faith since they weren't meaningful to me in the ways they should have been. I don't want my children to be confused as we're talking about Jesus coming alive again while they're sitting on the (metaphorical) easter bunny's lap. Or explain Jesus' birth and then ask them what they want from Santa Claus.

But even this provides a conundrum for me -- I want my children to have fond memories of holidays, I want them to have fun and celebrate and look forward to these just as much as I did when I was a kid. My Myers-Briggs profile is ESFJ (extrovert-sensing-feeling-judging) and apparently one of the markers for this combination is that we are family- & tradition-oriented and love to make holidays special and meaningful for our families, which fits me perfectly. I want my kids to have traditions, but I don't know which traditions I want them to have.

So, this morning we hid easter eggs (with candy inside) around the backyard and the kids had a blast finding them. We kept one of the eggs empty and said that it was the "special" egg and then read them the story of the resurrection in Ben's bible (which, if you're looking for a good children's bible, look no further). This seemed to be a good compromise for me. I have a feeling that we'll continue to tweak (and probably get some resurrection eggs) and try to find the right fit for our family.

Book Review - Protecting the Gift

I am generally a fearful person (which is something that God is working on in me). One of my biggest fears about being a parent (and if you have a few hours, I can tell you the 10,423 others) is that someone will abduct one of my children. My friend Rachael lent me this book about a year ago and it really impacted me because it was empowering -- I no longer felt like I was this protective bird trying to fan out my wings far enough to keep any predators from taking my children -- there are things that I can do to proactively protect my kids. Lately I've been thinking more about the techniques he proffers and have been doing them with Ben.

His main theme is that, as mothers, we need to listen to our "wild voice" -- that voice inside of you that senses that you're in danger or that someone is a little "off." I often try to squash or rationalize away that voice "No, I'm sure he's very nice -- he's just a little socially awkward" etc. But we need to listen to that voice that tells us that something is not quite right and believe our children when they say that as well.

One thing that was really reassuring to me was the fact that very few children are simply plucked off of the street. In a stranger abduction, it is more likely that someone tries to strike up a friendly conversation with a frazzled, distracted mother and when they're not looking, they will abduct the child or convince the mother to let them "help." He makes the point that in that situation, you need to say very loudly that you are not interested and to please leave them alone.

This happened recently to me -- the kids and I went downtown to visit Chris and took the el. Unfortunately, the stop that is closest to his work does not have an elevator, so I am laden down with a lightweight stroller & diaper bag slung over my shoulder, Caroline strapped onto me in a mei tai, and holding Ben's hand as we make our way down what feels like hundreds of stairs, but is in reality only 25 or so. And before we can even get down the stairs, we have to go through a revolving door that is not big enough for all 3 of us.

So, here is my circus act coming off of the train and I'm waiting for others to go down so that I can take my time in getting myself & my children down safely. This older man offers to help Ben through the revolving door (he's on the other side and helping Ben push the door), help that I accept, but then have second thoughts when he offers to carry him down the stairs. I'm 95% sure he meant well. But what if he didn't? What if he threw him down the stairs or off of the platform onto the street? What if he took off with him and I wasn't able to catch up? My wild brain conjured up all kinds of scenarios in that split second before I told this stranger "No thank you, I can handle it." He kind of gave me a weird look and then left.

One of my weird quirks is that I am very deferential to strangers. I don't want to insult, offend or hurt anyone's feelings. So, the author's assertion to be rude to people I don't know runs counter to who I am. Telling that man no, even though he most likely just saw a mother with a lot to deal with and wanted to help, was difficult for me, but I knew that it was the right thing to do.

Another thing he makes a point of in this book is that you need to tell your children to talk to strangers. Most of us grew up with the mantra "Don't talk to strangers" or "Find a police officer if you're lost," but as he points out, the likes of Ted Bundy and other serial killers were security guards, who are very difficult to distinguish from police officers to a small child. So, tell your kids to talk to strangers, just teach them which ones they should talk to, i.e., women, especially women with children, as they are the ones most likely to help your child and stay with them until they are found.

So, I have been coaching Benjamin if he ever gets lost that he should find a mommy and tell them: "My name is Ben. I can't find my mommy. Her name is Kindra. Can you help me?" I'm hoping that he never has to use it, but I feel a bit more confident that if he does get lost, I'll be able to find him more quickly. I've also thought about putting my cell phone number on a tag for his clothes. I probably wouldn't do that until we go to Disney or another amusement park.

Even though this book made me cringe and cry (he tells of true stories for children who were abducted and how they were), it was an invaluable resource for me.

google analytics

I have lately been obsessed with Google Analytics. It's an amazing (free!) resource for people who want to track website usage. It gives stats on how many hits your webpage gets, where the hits come from geographically (worldwide), which sites are referring people to your site (or where people come from before they get to your site), which pages on your site are accessed the most, etc. You can filter it by a specific date range, filter your own IP address out, etc.

I love this because it's some of what I did in my first job (the part I liked, that is) and my favorite part of my second job (a job that I really enjoyed all around). I love reports and creating useful information for people, information that makes people's jobs easier or gives them a perspective they didn't have before.

Anyhow, it's worth checking out! It's really easy to do if you have a blogspot blog, if you have a different site, it's a little more complex.

sacrifice some for the many?

I was listening to NPR this morning (big shocker, I know) and a program called 848 came on, which is produced by Chicago Public Radio and focuses on stories about the city. The segment I was listening to in particular was Turnaround School Posts Sharp Drop in Enrollment.

In summary, the story was about a public high school who proactively took steps to shed its problematic students by sending them to other schools and reduced its numbers by 400+ in a formerly 1,200 student body (a number that is somewhat debated in the story, but it's clear that there has been a drastic reduction in students). It's siphoned off the gang bangers to other schools, which has agreed to accept them on the theory that if you get a kid out of their environment, they will do better and be less disruptive (who knows if that theory will hold or not?). And, those other disruptive kids whose friends were placed in other schools will be more prone just to drop out rather than continue going to school.

One of the existing students at this high school commented in the piece that they felt like they were finally able to learn and not having to sidestep the fights involving hundreds of students as in the past. It seems to me that this school, while well-intentioned, basically sacrificed a portion of their student body in order to teach those who are genuinely there to get an education.

What do you think? Is this a good thing? Should we give up on those who don't seem to be interested in their education in order to educate those who want it and yet are under-resourced?

trust in the Lord with all of your heart...

Many Christians cite the verse I quoted in my title as one of their favorite verses in the bible: "...and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Prov. 3:5-6) It was one of mine when I first got saved. However, lately I have let it drift to the recesses of my mind. I could recite it if called upon, but it was one of those verses that I haven't meditated on and glossed over because I had heard so many times before. However, it has become fresh and new to me recently, as a myriad of internal events have transpired.

I confess, I'm a reluctant stay-at-home mom. Most people who know me well know this. I love my kids more than I can express, but the stay-at-home thing can be a struggle for me. I do it because I feel that this is what God wants for my life, but I haven't always done it joyfully. If I had to quantify it, I would say that I really enjoy stay-at-home motherhood (SAHM from here on out) about 75% of the time and dislike it 25% of the time. When I think about looking back on my life when I'm old (Lord willing), I don't think that I will ever say that I regretted staying at home with my kids when they were young. I've appreciated being there for all of the firsts and for being the primary caregiver to them, the one with the most influence in their young lives. I love all of the kisses and hugs and affection I get on an hourly basis. However, it is an exhausting job and one from which you very rarely get a break. It exposes your sin nature, how selfish you really are and how little patience you actually have. It also exposes how much you can love, serve and nurture someone as well. This really goes for all mothers, not just stay-at-home ones, but I think both get magnified under the SAHM lens.

After 3+ years, I'm finally understanding what it means to trust God in this area, that it means when God calls you to do something, He gives you the grace to do it. For so long I've been waiting for this season to end -- to the time when I'll be able to go back to school and get a job, to the time when the monotony of everyday life with children and incessant demands of small voices will stop and I'll be able to return to the land of cubicles, copy machines, books, the Library of Congress Classification, and intelligent adult interaction, not to mention a paycheck for all of my hard work.

We have had a plan for the past few years, that I would go to school in about 2 years and then get a full-time job afterwards, at least for as long as it took to pay off my school loan and then maybe go to part-time, if able. However, I have come to realize that having this plan has made me discontented and biding my time until I'm able to go to school, that I'm simply enduring this season in my life instead of fully delighting in it and in my children. And that's not fair to them.

In addition to that, I had a notion before I had children that I was not going to become so inwardly focused on my family as I've perceived that so many Christian households (and mothers) have become. Yes, I will care for and love my children, but I don't want my life to be ONLY about my kids. I had visions that my kids weren't going to interrupt ministries I was involved with, that I'd schlep them to and from different events and they'd just deal with it. All of that changed when Benjamin was about 3 weeks old and cried and cried and cried and decided to boycott sleep for about 3 months (while crying all the way). And now, I wonder whether or not that's even prudent, that maybe my kids NEED to be the primary focus right now as we teach them and help to build their character so that they are ready and willing to serve with us when they're able. My jury is still out about this -- comments welcome.

Anyhow, I'm striving to be a better mom by understanding that God is going to help me and give me the grace to do this crazy job, even if I'm cleaning up poop for the 4th time today or trying to be patient during a temper tantrum. That I need to trust in Him with all of my heart -- that my own understanding of what I think I need (i.e., to get a job) is not necessarily what God knows I need (for my character to be shaped & refined). If I acknowledge Him, He'll make my paths straight, and hopefully help me to show my kids that as well. So, I'm abandoning my plans in favor of His and trusting Him to show, help and guide me...

schools and race

Some of you may have seen my note on facebook recently about selecting a race for my children on an application form for magnet schools through our public school system. Though in a previous post I had more or less discarded the idea of public schools, I started talking to people and actually doing research about them and found a few school that are of interest. Getting into them is a different story... Magnet schools in Chicago are a crapshoot -- you put your name into their computerized lottery which somehow accounts for their race, as the CPS website states:

The goal for magnet schools is a racial/ethnic balance of 15-35% white and 65-85% minority.

It also states that:

9. Do I have to select a racial/ethnic category for my child on the application?
Yes. If you do not select a racial/ethnic category, your child cannot be considered for enrollment. The category you select is your decision. Select only one category.

So, you pick a race for your child, send your application in and hope for the best. I have to believe that race plays into it somehow and if you can work the system just right, that you can get an advantage. My childrens' advantage is that they can claim my Korean background and thus be classified into the minority status vs. claiming their father's whiteness.

My kids are multi-racial. As was pointed out several times in my facebook note, race is an artificial construct used by people to create division and to gain authority over people. It's been pretty effective for the last 6,000 years, I'd say. I want my kids to embrace both of their ethnicities.

Anyhow, so lately Ben has been saying to me: "Jarius is brown. Lanisha is brown. John is not brown. Sally is not brown." (kids from his preschool, not their real names) "I don't know what color I am." How does a mother respond to that? I tell him that yes, they are brown and the other ones aren't, but it doesn't matter what color we are, we are all made in God's image and are equal. Still, he'll continue to say "I don't know what color I am." He doesn't mean this in a philosophical, identity-yearning way. He just means that he doesn't know have the vocabulary to describe his skin color. I don't remember noticing race at his age. I knew that I was different by virtue of being a different race than my parents. But, I don't remember really being aware that it made a difference to society until I was in middle school.

I wonder what Barack Obama's mom would have filled out for his CPS application, had he grew up in Chicago. It's interesting to me that he's widely deemed the first African-American president, yet he's culturally much more white than black, his father was a Kenyan immigrant, which is a very different experience than most African-Americans in this country. Similarly, my children have a Korean mom, but they have very little Korean heritage as I am not familiar with it and was raised very much in an American culture. We are friends with a couple in which the husband is half-Japanese, half-white and the wife is white, but he is much more ethnically Japanese and has passed that down to his kids. Even though their kids are one-quarter Asian, they're much more ethnically Asian than my kids.

I'm pretty comfortable with being Korean, especially at this point in my life. I want to make sure that my kids are comfortable being half-Korean and half-white and can embrace that when they are older. And, perhaps, I want to check the right box to get my kids into a CPS magnet school :)

simple

I saw a bumper sticker last week that said "Live Simply That Others May Simply Live." I've seen this sticker/slogan many times before, but it's been awhile and with our economy in crisis, I found it particularly thought-provoking as our government seems to think that this particular slogan is completely ridiculous.

Our government's plan for getting us out of this mess is to spend, spend and spend some more, and hey, while we're at it let's cut taxes and reduce the government's income! With already declining tax revenues, and tax cuts, and $1 trillion+ in stimulus, who is footing this bill? Our children and China.

I'm partial to the Austrian school of economics theory of less government intervention, as I've discussed before. I think it's necessary to regulate the markets because greed will take over without it. I think the Keynesian model of government intervention in the economy is flawed because governments are often beholden to lobbyists and special interest groups or they are corrupt (and living in Illinois, we know a little something about corruption). I honestly don't trust government to make the best decisions and am very wary about handing them $800+ billion to dole out as they see fit.

That said, I am not naive or a purist and believe that the government does need to step in. Our economy was overinflated and is correcting itself, though people and businesses are panicking and that's making everything worse. Unfortunately the GOP has lost its political capital when their party presided over a doubling of the national deficit, thus making their calls for fiscal responsibility over this stimulus package ring hollow. The stimulus bill is going to pass. So much for living simply.

house church

Recently, we hosted a couple who was in our small group a few years ago at our old church. They were interested in coming to our church to see what it was like. They came over for lunch after church and we talked about many things, including the future of the Church. He said he's been reading stuff by a guy who has been predicting the future of the American church and he seems to think that the churches left standing are going to be house churches and mega-churches, not the community church, which dominates the current American church landscape.

I never thought I'd go to a house church. I had minimal exposure to them, except the one that a very good friend of mine attended while he was growing up. I have been to that church once and while everyone was nice, they are uber-conservative (i.e., head coverings, women do not speak in church, etc.) and it was hard for me to feel comfortable in that setting. Moving to Chicago, I visited community churches and settled on First Evangelical Free church on the north side. I had a pretty positive experience there and was able to find a good community (as well as a husband, but I promise that wasn't the reason I was there) and good friends, friends that I still value and see on a semi-regular basis.

Moving to East Garfield Park, we knew there was a house church in our neighborhood and it was comprised of a lot of people that we knew and liked and kids that we were working with through soccer and bible studies. However, we were pretty invested in First Free (leading a small group) and weren't planning on switching churches.

Things happened and God laid it on my heart that I really wanted to be at a more local church, a place that I felt that I could invite my neighbors to. For several reasons, not the least is that First Free was 30 minutes one way, I didn't feel like inviting our neighbors there was a great option. My husband had been attending First Free for about 11 years and was much more reluctant than I to leave. Eventually we made the switch in January 2007.

It has been one of the best decisions we have made (and I'm not just saying that because I know who is reading this blog). It's hard to imagine ever going back to the community church model again at this point. While the house church isn't perfect, it requires a measure of sacrifice and commitment to the church that a community church does not and thus tends to attract a higher percentage of people who are willing to do/give/sacrifice more because of it. You have a higher degree of relationship with people since there are so few (comparatively) that you can talk to everyone in your house group on a given Sunday. People notice and try to help when something is wrong. A house church is not for someone interested in just "playing church" on Sundays.

I like that the church does not having to worry about paying the bills, paying pastors, meeting a certain budget for a year. I like not having building campaigns. I like that all of the money that we tithe goes directly to ministries and people instead of overhead.

Not that the house church model (or our church) is perfect. Far from it. Childcare for young children is a big issue for me, personally. But, for me, and for our family in this stage of our lives, the house church model is the best one for us.

amateur psychologists needed

So, I have this recurring nightmare. Actually, it's more like variations on a theme, the theme always being my husband cheating on me or leaving me or something of that nature. I had this dream last night. I remember being completely heartbroken in the dream and sobbing. I probably have had this dream at least 3 times per year since we've been married.

The strange thing about these dreams is that they occur at all. When I'm awake, I very seldom ever think about him being unfaithful or leaving us. I'm very secure in our marriage and I've never really worried about him -- he doesn't even really look at other women when we're together (i.e., ogle attractive women who are passing us by on the street or whatever). He's very respectful of me in that way. Plus, I know him to be a man of integrity. He's extremely steady and faithful to those people and things that he holds dear. In his right mind, he'd never choose to be with another woman or leave us, I know that.

So, why these dreams? Is it pent up anxiety that I rationalize out of my head during the day but rears its ugly head at night? Is it because I've been hurt in relationships before (mostly from my own naivete and stupidity) and I'm extrapolating it on him?

In any case, I'm glad that these are just dreams and have no basis in reality!!

kindergarten really shouldn't be this stressful...

I used to privately bemoan the fact that Benjamin misses the Chicago Public Schools cut off because of his late-November birthday (and Caroline for that matter, though she misses it by a smaller margin). He's so socially needy that looking at him starting school when he's almost 6 seems like an eternity to me. However, as we're marching ever closer to him beginning kindergarten, I feel the need to start researching my options, at least doing some preliminary research. So, in that sense, I'm happy that I have 2 1/2 years in which to make a decision, versus 1 1/2 years.

• Option #1: Homeschool. This is not my first choice and not appealing to me for various reasons (though I would be willing to do it). First, as I mentioned, Ben is extremely social and I think this would be detrimental to him. Second, it would drive me crazy. Being with my children all day long is hard for me. While it's true that as they get older it is getting easier, it is still a challenge for me every week. Third, I want him to learn to trust other adults and be in a classroom setting where he develops relationships with other children. That said, I would do it if I thought it was best for him -- if there was a situation in which he was being bullied or having difficulties with a teacher.
  
• Option #2: Public School. Unfortunately in our neighborhood, our local elementary school is not an option for us. I attended exclusively public schools, from 1st grade through my undergraduate degree. However, I was in one of the best districts in my state, so it was a no-brainer for my parents. Here, it's a different story. I'd love to be that family who has so much faith in God that they send their children to public school and the school and community is changed as a result of their faithfulness, as I've heard others testify. I just don't feel called to do that and feel strongly that in our present community & environment, my child would be thrown into a very difficult situation that he's not equipped to handle at such a young age. I grieve for children who don't have the option (through lack of resources or parents who don't care) for anything other than our neighborhood school. There are charter schools and magnet schools that I would consider and will be open to Chicago public high schools, should my kids place into one of the magnets and should we be in the city that long. I really love the idea of public schools and wish that this was a viable option for us.
  
• Option #3: Christian School. This is the most likely scenario for us. I would be sending my children to christian school so that their education would be in line with our worldview, though I strongly believe that it is my responsibility as a parent to teach my child about the Lord and the way we view the world. However, having narrowed it down to christian school leaves many options out there. Most of the children that we know of school age go to a specific christian school a few miles from where we live. By all accounts, it's a good school with caring teachers and an emotionally safe environment. This school is almost entirely african-american, with a handful of caucasian kids scattered around. I do worry about my children and the struggles they might have over identity being (1) bi-racial and (2) living in a predominantly african-american community. My personal preference would be for something a little more diverse since we live in a city so rich with other cultures. However, I'm not sure that I would want to take Ben away from his friends in the neighborhood who attend that school either. Plus, money is a factor as well.

Ugh. Just thinking about all of this makes my head hurt. I'm glad to have a long time to think about this!

elusive peace

Well, I was hoping for a peaceful start to 2009, but with the Israeli assault on Gaza and the riots in Oakland over a shooting of an unarmed man, I guess that I'm not going to get that wish.

gaza
I wonder why America seemingly supports Israel with hardly any conditions. I confess that I don't know everything that is going on with the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I know the big picture, but not when Gaza was given back to the Palestinians, under what conditions, who was opposed to it, who supported it, etc. Nor do I know the ins and outs of Israeli laws. I have heard that Palestinians are disenfranchised and marginalized under Israeli law. And bombing UN schools, as well as killing a driver delivering humanitarian aid isn't typically going to win you friends.

I affirm Israel's right to exist and defend itself. They are surrounded by enemies, by nations who have nuclear weapons pointed at them, as well as suicide bombers crossing into their borders (and within their own country). I can understand their paranoia. Can you imagine how different our country would be if Canada and Mexico were hostile to us and were armed with nuclear weapons?

However, I have a hard time understanding why American Christians in particular give Israel a complete blank check. Is it because it's a seemingly Jewish/Muslim conflict and we root for the Jews in that case? I would posit that it's not that simple, that there are Palestinian Christians who are caught up in this as well. I remember reading an article in Christianity Today a long time ago by a Palestinian Christian asking us not to forget them.

This conflict will not be solved until Jesus returns, I'm afraid.

oakland
I hate hearing about these sorts of things. Black man killed by white man. Cop kills unarmed civilian. While I don't condone the violence taking place, I do understand it. You can only handle so much injustice before you finally cave and say "enough!"

I could never be a police officer. It's a high-stress job and it's very difficult not to become hardened and prejudiced. I understand that. But, I have heard of numerous examples in my neighborhood of cops acting out their prejudices through words and actions. Racial profiling is real. Unfortunately, the abuse of power is real too.

I am inclined to think that if the men involved in the altercation on public transit in Oakland were white, there wouldn't be rioting right now because someone probably wouldn't have been shot and killed. It most likely would have been handled differently. Maybe I'm wrong about that. I hope I am, but I fear that I'm not.

supersize me
I haven't seen this movie yet. I'd like to, but then again, I really don't want to.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way that our society eats vs. the way that we were intended to eat. My dad is a hunter and he shot a deer this fall and gave us some of the meat. I grew up eating venison -- he shot a huge buck when I was a kid and we ate quite a bit of venison that year, so much that I developed an aversion to it -- plus, at age 10, it was all about him shooting Bambi's dad and I couldn't stomach that.

However, an older and wiser Kindra accepted the free, free range, organic meat that my father offered me and we made lasagna, spaghetti and a roast out of it. It was quite tasty and my kids didn't have any complaints (they haven't seen Bambi yet).

Food is so easy in our culture. Most Americans don't have to grow or harvest their food, they don't have to slaughter and process animals to get it. I can assure you that if I had to kill a cow, or any animal for that matter or made to visit a slaughterhouse annually, my family would eat a lot less meat. And maybe that's the way it should be? There's a sacrifice made by someone or something and when it's so easy and cheap to come by, it's taken for granted.

I watch Anthony Bourdain on the Travel Channel from time to time. He's a former NYC chef who has a show about traveling the globe and trying all kinds of different food. He's insolent, but very entertaining. However, he makes me want to become a vegetarian with all of the dead animals he shows, and what actually occurs in our food chain. He went to Argentina one show, which is a huge beef loving nation, and showed the young bulls being separated from their mothers and getting castrated so that they'd be less aggressive as they got older. Yuck! The mother cows were mooing as their children were being led away. It was terrible. But that's part of what's involved in me being able to buy a package of ground beef on sale for $1.99/lb in the grocery store.

Chris & I belonged to a CSA in Wisconsin this past summer and we continued it this winter. CSA = community supported agriculture. Basically, we're paying for locally grown, organic fruits and vegetables by partnering with farms in Wisconsin. We really have enjoyed it and were able to try vegetables that we've never had before, such as kohlrabi and beets -- Chris in particular has developed an affinity for roasted beets (along with Caroline). As foodies who cook a lot at home, this was worth it to us. The produce was extremely fresh and the price comparable to shopping at a Farmer's Market in the city or Whole Foods (a store where I seldom spend money, but love to wander).

We Americans like things cheap and easy, especially our food, and I think we pay the price for it with our bulging waistlines and increased rates of cancer and heart disease. We have been buying less beef lately. I don't think we could ever become vegetarians, but I'm interested in finding tasty, non-meat options for our family as well.

holiday recovery

I love the holidays. I really do. I have always loved Christmas music (I've even been caught listening to it when it's not actually the Christmas season), decorating the tree, food and spending time with family. It was especially fun this year with Ben loving all of the pageantry -- every time we get in the car, he's on the prowl for Christmas lights and loudly declares "Christmas Lights!!!" every time he spots them, which, in the city, is quite often. It's fun though, I really enjoyed seeing this time through his eyes.

However, said child is also quite spoiled with presents. His is a late-November birthday and we had a birthday party for him 2 weeks before his actual birthday. So, basically, he got presents just about once per week from mid-November until the Monday after Christmas when all was said and done. He's at the point where he wonders aloud "Where are my presents???" Guess we have our work cut out for us in trying to raise a non-materialistic child...

More to post but the kids are up! Hope everyone had a great holiday season.